I’ve always been a little shy, a little introverted. During school I kept mostly to myself and allowed very few people see the real me. Or, what I thought was the real me at the time. Over the years almost all of these friends have disappeared. Some because we fought and walked away, others because we grew apart. I was never one to worry about people leaving my life, more often than not I cut them out of it. I moved on and found new friends, and eventually found more of who I am.

So who am I? In broader definitions, several things can define me: female, submissive, and even outspoken at times. Below the surface I’m also loyal, smart, sarcastic, playful, and insecure. A person cannot be fully defined by a mere eight words, but they are a starting point. The last several years I have come more and more into my own. The shy girl that once inhabited my body has all but disappeared, making only small appearances when somebody I view as important intimidates me. Now, more often than not, I think before I speak and don’t care who hears. I’ve stopped hiding who I am, even the submissive side of me, only keeping it from those who I know would not understand. I’ve accepted that I’m submissive, that I function better and am happier when I have an owner. I am a very sexual person; I’ve stopped hiding that and trying to repress it because a “bigger girl like me” shouldn’t think like that, because all in all, it’s bullshit.

In a few short years, I have made great strides in finding who I am and being comfortable with that person. I am absolutely comfortable and happy with every part of me but one, my weight. I’ve broken down several walls in my life, I’m no longer shy, no longer watch what I say. If I have something to say it will be out there sans the sugar coating. However, my weight… that is one wall that not only is still up, but also seems to have grown over the years.

My first actual relationship was very unhealthy. It was mentally and emotionally abusive, but he accepted my weight. Never once had an issue with it. At that point I still had a small issue with it, wanted to hide that part of me in-case he didn’t accept it, but it wasn’t as strong as it is now. I believe a lot of the issue stems from the second guy I was with. He got cold feet, couldn’t handle an actual relationship and used my weight as an escape route. Believe me, hearing that you’re too big for a guy bigger than you are is not a small hurt. From there I moved on to the guy that introduced me to the BDSM lifestyle. That relationship was not a good one, but he had no issue with the weight, at first. After a while he started pushing me to lose weight, to change the way I look. When we went out and ran into friends of his, I never once got introduced, or even looked at. After a while, I started to feel as though he was ashamed of me. Eventually that relationship dissolved in a spectacularly horrible way. When it ended I took comfort from a friend of mine who lives a few hours away.

A year later and that friend is now my owner, and again wants me to lose some weight. He wants me to do it so I’m healthy, and around for a while. He absolutely wants me to weigh less, and one of those reasons is because I’m a little big for him… but he never hid that from me. He told me how he felt, and that it was me either way, and I was who he wanted. The weight didn’t matter to him in that sense, it wasn’t enough for him to walk away, though he does still want me to lose some. I agree with him. I want to lose weight, and part of that is he never made me feel ashamed about it; he doesn’t seem ashamed of me because of it. He’s helping break down that wall that so many guys have helped build up.

Right now that wall is still pretty tall, but for the first time I’m fighting to get over onto the other side. My owner has told me time and time again that the weight doesn’t matter, that he’s okay with it and he just wants me. Those words mean something; they help erase that fear, but not completely. The last little while I’ve been sending him pictures, at least two a week as per his new rule. This is actually helping a lot. I’m getting used to him seeing me, so it’s not as big of a deal in person. I’ve found angles that I look better in and do use them, but I don’t hide the parts of me I hate anymore. He even has me sending him naked, or almost naked, full body shots for every ten pounds I lose. He’s slowly erasing that fear.

For as much as the pictures are helping, there is always going to be a little wall there until I both lose the weight and am fully happy with how I look, or he proves in person that it doesn’t matter to him. So, I’m working on the weight and counting down the days until I get to see him.

Everybody has walls, whether they’re there to keep people from hurting them, about their body, or even letting somebody into their life at all. They vary from person to person, but in the last year that I’ve spent getting closer and connecting more with my owner I’ve learned something. No matter how high the wall, or the reasons for it, the other side is always brighter, better. Even though I’m being pushed and shaped into something new, I have never been happier. I’ve started to open up parts of me that I hid away, or just plain hid behind. I’m open and vulnerable, but there’s very little fear there anymore.

Yes, you have a lot to lose once you tear down that wall with somebody. There is a chance you’ll get hurt, but you also have the chance to connect and be with somebody that loves you for you, flaws, insecurities and all. I very firmly believe that for every person there is somebody out there that will not only accept what he or she views as their flaws, but will embrace them and even love that they’re there. Showing people what’s behind that wall can be very scary, but it can also be one of the most rewarding things when what you saw as a downfall is not even an issue with somebody else. Nothing is worth going through life blocking people out; nothing is worth being insecure and scared when you don’t have to be. Breaking down those walls is worth it, even if it’s a brick at a time.