I’ve talked before about how I tend to date queer women. In that column, I talked about how I was attracted to the sorts of interactions I had with queer women, interactions where I felt that my gender identity could be fluid and unconstrained by traditional gender roles. A friend challenged me, though, when she asked me recently why I still identified my relationship with M as queer, even though I was a man dating a woman.
Once we talked further, I realized that the question she was actually asking was a question of what it is about my relationships with women that is queer, and not just progressive. She pointed out that a lot of the things that made my dynamics with M different from those of traditional couples was simply enlightened gender dynamics: no, I don’t hold the door for M or believe that she should be emotionally vulnerable while I remain stoic, but rejecting those things doesn’t in itself make the relationship queer, just progressive.
I struggled a lot with this question, but eventually came up with the following explanation. My relationship with M is queer because I am queer and she is queer. It is queer because neither of us is comfortable with entirely traditional gender and power dynamics, and we therefore actively construct those dynamics in our relationship. It’s not that we reject traditional gender roles entirely—she still dresses in skirts regularly while I rock the baggy jeans—but we pick and choose which aspects of our respective gender roles we’re comfortable embracing. Yes, I love strapping on a cock and fucking her. And in that moment, maybe our dynamics look like those of a straight couple. But the next night, maybe she’s fucking me, or maybe I’m gushing emotion while she shows none. Either way, we’re aware of the power dynamics at play, and we’re choosing to perform them, not simply accepting them.
The piece to this that I think wasn’t entirely clear to me initially is that it’s not just the specific actions or beliefs that M and I embrace, it’s also the experiences that led us to prefer those things. So I don’t embrace non-traditional gender roles in a relationship randomly, I embrace them because I was socialized female, learned to date within the lesbian community, and only subsequently came to identify as male. I simply don’t know the rules, or want to know them, for traditional straight masculine behavior in a relationship with a woman. And M doesn’t want these things randomly either—her preferences have a basis in the queer identity and politics that she holds. So our relationship is queer not only because of what we do in it, and what we want from it, but because those desires come from a queer personal history.
I don’t know how far this distinction between straight and queer relationships goes. For instance, I don’t know how this plays out in a situation where one person is queer identified and believes that they bring a queer perspective and experience to a relationship, while the other person identifies as straight and progressive. Is that a queer relationship? I think that one person can certainly exert a huge influence on the dynamics of the couple, even without the other person actively identifying those new dynamics as queer. But does it make sense for one person in a pair to identify their relationship as queer while the other doesn’t? I’m not sure.
I also don’t know what to call it if two people are queer identified but happen to enjoy traditional gender roles, and actively choose to embrace them. I’m not willing to label that as a straight relationship because I think that actively choosing traditional gender roles is fundamentally different than having them imposed and never being entirely aware of them (as happens in a lot of traditional straight relationships). Similarly, I see huge problems with men dominating their wives historically and currently, but I don’t see the same problem with 24/7 dominance/submission couples, even when the man happens to be dominant and the woman submissive. I think that the key here is an active awareness and choice to perform gender and relationship styles, a choice that comes from both partners and with full familiarity with the implications. This is similar to the argument between old and new feminist movements: one generation fought for the right of women to work outside the home, and the next fought for the right of the housewife-by-choice to work inside it and be respected for it.
There aren’t easy answers to these questions because we don’t have the language yet to answer them. We don’t know how to define the sexual orientation of a straight identified woman who falls in love with a trans man. We don’t know what to call relationships between a lesbian and her trans man lover who have been together since long before his transition. And the truth is that someday, we’ll probably develop labels for all these things, as time goes on and more people talk about their experiences. But I’m not particularly excited for that day because I don’t need it. Queer has worked for me thus far, and I’m not likely to abandon it any time soon.
I love reading your posts. I think this may have been my favorite post of yours so far, since I’ve wondered about my relationship in one of the ways you mentioned. I am a cis girl who is trying to get comfortable calling herself queer, and my partner is a cis boy who is certainly progressive but for the most part is straight. So paragraph 5 was a pleasant find for me
Thanks for writing.
Rockin’ with a Cock in´s last blog ..One of my first firsts
glad you enjoyed it. Identity is complicated enough without bringing in a second person, but of course, that’s what happens in lots of situations. Hope you’re at least having fun figuring it all out!
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[...] Submission is not an excuse to be Spineless! Semi-Rape – Couldn’t Say No Toys Vs. Cocks Transtastic: On Why My Relationships are Queer Words, Words, [...]
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I’m confused. But interested in learning more..I shall read more on your blog. I think that two people that love each other can and should be happy with or without labels. Labels do define us though and give us our sense of identity, but your labels just confuse me for now, I’ll get my mind around it though, I promise.
Part of the problem for me is early in life the lable queer just meant same sex atteraction, so it sticks in that wrong way for me. I didn’t get that gender and orientation are two different things..now that I know that, it still is hard to pigeonhole people in the right little cubbies. which might in a sense be a good thing.
[...] Submission is not an excuse to be Spineless! Semi-Rape – Couldn’t Say No Toys Vs. Cocks Transtastic: On Why My Relationships are Queer Words, Words, [...]