Eden Cafe

It has come to my attention that this ever perversified world is in need of a sex toy cleaner. No, not some spray with antibacterial properties – although, I cannot argue the usefulness of such a thing – but a person who will step in before grieving loved ones to clear the scene of sex related paraphernalia, leaving nothing more risqué than condoms or lube after someone has passed.

At first, I thought the job would be easy enough to simply pair up toy loving deviants in proximity to one another. Whoever sticks around the longest gets the wonderful consolation prize of cleaning up a stranger’s sex toys. Yeah, you can see how well that idea would work. Plus, only one person gets taken care of, unless the pairings are constantly modified.

Of course, people could always just ask a friend or family member. Honestly, it’s not the worst idea in the history of mankind but if you’re not as open as I am, I imagine the awkward conversation would occur over a cup of java at some trendy coffee house that would go something like this:

“So Miranda, it’s been a while. You look great! You have to tell me your secret. How are Todd and the kids? If-I-die-before-you-can-you-clean-out-the-dozens-of-sex-toys-in-my-house? I hear you have a new puppy!”
“Come again?”
“Your new puppy. What breed is it?”
“No, before that.”
“Oh, I was just curious about the kids. They grow up so fast these days.”
“No, after that.”
“The sex toy thing? I just figured if you have nothing better to do.”

And either your conversation continues in awkward silence or your now ex-friend storms out of the establishment, possibly even throwing something at you in the process.

You see, this is while the world needs a sex toy cleaner. Even if you could convince someone to know the job, would they know how to do it well? A professional sex toy cleaner doesn’t need to know why you have toys, just that you do. A pro doesn’t need a list of locations. He or she will know to look under beds, in nightstands and at the back of the closet among other places. A professional toy cleaner can break into locked cases and boxes and feel around for hidden compartments. A professional also doesn’t need explicit instructions. Your cleaner will be especially knowledgeable about what to do with those sex toys after they’re no longer any use to you (except for the ones you take with you to the afterlife, of course!). He or she will know to recycle, reuse or toss based on material, perhaps giving your sex toys a life long after yours is over.

But the most important thing of all is this: a sex toy cleaner makes it his or her job to enter and leave your abode without being conspicuous, even when loaded down with sex furniture and buzzy things! The pros know to take out those batteries and how to move Liberator pieces without alerting the neighbor who practically lives at her window, staring shrewdly down her nose into your own home or, even worse the police. No need to bring the authorities down on you at a time like this. Most people I know wouldn’t be able to make a grateful exit. Phallic shaped objects would protrude all too obviously from a black garbage bag which would, more than likely, spill open well before reaching the dumpster.

I bet that being a sex toy cleaner would be a lucrative career, if you could work out the details of payment upon death. Some people would pay nicely to save face, even in death, and I hear crime scene cleaners make out pretty well because they’re willing to do a job most aren’t. Realistically, I would probably leave the task to my husband if he’s around after me but it’s impossible to predict the future. Will I be an 80 year old woman with 99 vibrators? Or will my collection have shrunk by that time as I weed through my possessions, gifting those which are safe to share and tossing those which just don’t cut it anymore? There will come a time when I will require the services of a sex toy cleaner but will be someone so brave as to take on the challenge? Perhaps I could be the first and you could be my protégé. It’s time to clean up this world.