The Media and Everyone Else Are Not Responsible for Your Poor Body Image

With her consent, I’m going to copy and paste the Formspring.me question that my friend AshlyStar received and her answer that inspired this post.

“I know you read some blogs that post on this but never seen you comment any of them. How do you feel about the standards of beauty placed on women? How do you handle the pressure to look a certain way?”

“Oh boy. I never comment because I don’t agree with a lot of what is said and I’ll leave it at that.

I don’t feel any pressure to look a certain way. I don’t care what people think as a general rule and I don’t do anything because I feel I should. I dress the way I want, because I want to. I don’t kill myself in a gym, because I don’t want to. I dress how I want and I’m comfortable in my own skin and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it to be quite honest. I don’t walk into a room full of skinnier, prettier women and feel bad about myself. I don’t walk into a room and feel like I’m better than anyone if I’m dressed better or in better shape. I don’t feel awful about myself listening to people thinner than I am talk about how fat they are. I am healthy and comfortable in my own skin. I wasn’t always that way but I learned how to be and it took years to get there. I never blamed society for my insecurities, though. If people would stop looking around and stop trying to live up to what they feel someone else thinks they should, the world would be a better place.

You know this quote? “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” You can apply that to so much of life.”

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I think Ashly’s response is spot on and I’ll tell you why. I’ve been reading on some blogs about how straight men and the fashion industry are to blame for the poor body image/low self esteem of some women. I read how awful it is that the average woman is not fairly (if at all) represented in the media. And to that I say, so fucking what?

You don’t need a fashion magazine or any other type of media to represent you to make you feel good about yourself. You have to find that within. And you’ll never accomplish that if you spend a lot of your time complaining how your body type or look is never represented in the media (or represented badly). Got a boyfriend or girlfriend who routinely makes you feel bad about yourself and won’t stop no matter how many times you tell them it tears down your self-esteem? Dump the motherfucker already! (Thanks, Dan Savage). As the quote AshlyStar gave above says: “”No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” So stop consenting already, OK?

If movies or television or fashion magazines rule your reality, then you’ve lost your grip on it. Face it: There are people who’re gonna think you’re ugly, too fat/too thin, too pale/too tan, too short/too tall and they might even say that to your face or in a blog post or on Twitter. It’s not the end of the world. Really. You can either give back as good as you get, or avoid that person altogether. If the person will not relent and is in fact going out their way to be around you and make you feel bad, then they’ve crossed the line into harassment. THEN you can be super upset with them. The world is not full of shiny happy people and it never will be. People can be mean and nasty and horrible. It’s up to you how you react to it and how you allow yourself to be influenced by it.

I think you should surround yourself with people who think you’re beautiful and wonderful just the way you are, but that can also lead to unrealistic expectations of the rest of the world. I want my friends to tell me if I look horrible in a particular color or article of clothing or with my current haircut. It’s still up to me if I want to continue wearing the color or piece of clothing or keep my haircut, but their honesty helps keep me grounded. So when someone who is just particularly nasty or mean comes along, I’m not completely taken aback and hurt because I’m under the mistaken impression that everyone thinks I’m beautiful and wonderful. I know I’m ugly to some people and I don’t feel the need to treat them as though they’ve just given me a complex and are evil incarnate. I’m not 10-years-old anymore and in need of my mommy to hold my hand and tell me to ignore the haters.

I’ve been hated on because of my looks. I’ve always been fat and unattractive. And I currently loathe my body, but not because of the media. Have I looked at fashion and women’s magazines and thought that they unfairly represented the average woman? Of course. But I’m not going to lose any sleep over it and/or go on a fad diet in the false hope I’ll look like one of the models. In fact, I look at a lot of the models and think they’re ugly. Yeah, I said it. I think they’re ugly.

We all make snap judgments based on people’s looks. If you claim you don’t, I’m going to call bullshit on you. Knee-jerk reactions and snap judgments are part of being a human being. I’m not going to go around and shout in people’s faces if I think they’re ugly, but I’m not going to hold everybody’s hands and tell them they’re beautiful just the way they are, either. It’s not my responsibility. I will say that to people I think it’s true about, though. But if I do tell you you’re ugly for whatever reason and you allow that to ruin your day and make you feel shitty about yourself, that’s on you. It wouldn’t make me very nice but it wouldn’t make me THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON IN THE WORLD, either. Call me an asshat, a douche or whatever, but then get on with your life.

Be proactive in feeling good about yourself, not in trashing everybody and every media outlet that doesn’t represent beauty the way you see it or want it to be seen. You’re pissing in the wind. If you want someone to blame for your low self-esteem, look no further than yourself. Not a patriarchy, not the media, and not straight males. You are your own worst enemy. And as long as you continue to blame everyone else for your low self-esteem/poor body image, you’re going to remain miserable.

I’m reminded of something I read in the latest print issue of SexIs magazine. There’s an interview with April Flores aka Fatty D. She’s a plus-size model and porn actress. Side note: I refuse to use the term Big Beautiful Woman (BBW) because I think, in general, it’s a misnomer. She was asked if she got a lot of feedback from women about size issues. Unsurprisingly to me, she replied that she actually gets a lot of e-mails from spouses who don’t understand why their female partners feel unattractive when they find them beautiful. The e-mails she got from women were about how they didn’t understand how their partners could find them attractive. As April says in the interview, these women should “just fucking believe it.”

But they don’t believe it and they may never. Why? Because they choose not to. I don’t think I could be with someone who constantly doubted my attraction to them despite what I tell (and show) them. I can only imagine how exhausting it would be to be with someone who never believes you when you assure them you are attracted to them (and, believe me, I’ve been that kind of woman myself). So, women, do everyone a favor and fucking believe your partners. And if you can’t, then do your partner a favor and leave them. No one should have to constantly hold your hand and assure you of your attractiveness, especially if you never truly believe them. Throw out your fashion and women’s magazines, get off the fad diet, and do what makes you happy and feel beautiful. Everything else is just an excuse to justify your miserable state of being.