Eden Cafe

In Hollywood productions, men are stereotypically looking for a woman with “the whole package,” you know, both beauty and brains. Men comiserate with their buddies about how easy it is to find an attractive (and usually sexually adventurous) woman or someone who has just the right amount of sensitivity to be emotionally healthy and, of course, would make a good mother but the woman who is both is nearly impossible to find. While the world is not quite as black and white as Hollywood makes it seem – even in its colour productions – I have found myself looking at potential partners in a similar way. Specifically, I was looking for the guy (or girl) with both the looks and a nice personality. Although other aspects of a person are certainly important as well, like a sense of humour, these much simplified characteristics had the focus of my attention when I was on the market, at least initially. While I know generalizing can be dangerous, it is easy to do and can become easier to do after life throws you a few curve balls. It didn’t take much for me to start wondering whether all attractive men were only looking out for themselves or whether all sensitive men were ugly. In fact, it is a mindset which runs rampant in movies and on TV, where stereotypes make for good ratings, but is probably one we have all had at one time or another.

And so, I was incredibly relieved (to say the least) when I met and clicked with a person who I found to be extremely attractive to me physically but who also had feelings. While knowing that my boyfriend-turned-husband loved me, was committed to our relationship and was not about to use me as a conquest then throw me away has provided me with immense happiness and a sense of security in my relationship, I have also come to know the difficulties that can come with a sensitive guy. As it turns out, a relationship (and life in general) can be more difficult than you bargained for when your sensitive guy has issues realizing and expressing his feelings.

For example, my husband has never had a difficult time saying “I love you” and, while he does not recall it, actually said it first (just one of the many upsides to loving a sensitive and caring person). We have also said those three little words to eachother more frequently than most couples I know but this is perhaps because they are an established way to describe a feeling which is particularly hard to miss. When it comes to other feelings or even just showing his affection in other ways, he has always struggled. Sometimes he feels as though he is being corny (even though I love that he tries anyway) and other times he simply says nothing at all. But I don’t need to hear “I love you” in a million different ways. Hearing it at all is quite wonderful.

The problem is not at all with how he expresses his love but with how he expresses (or, rather, does not express) negative emotions which, whether or not I like or want to hear it, needs to be done. Right now he feels as though he has been unhappy for a while and the best way to remedy the situation is for us to divorce. What he does not see is that while he was busy ruminating on those feelings and not discussing them with me, or anyone else, his resentment grew while he could have been doing something to make himself happy. While he expects divorce to magically solve his problems, the truth is that he will still have to take responsibility of his feelings in order to find the happiness he seeks.

It is hard not to view the situation with some amount of sadness. As the one person who has gotten close to this guy, I can see a sensitive person who was never taught how to channel that sensitive in a healthy manner. Perhaps his parents expected him to toughen up as a child, as boy children are often taught. He argues that this was not the case, however. Regardless, the message that feelings are acceptible to have and can be had without being detrimental was never one he learned. Now, it seems as though the fact that he does care and have emotions makes him angry because he does not know how to deal with it. At this point, you would probably not be surprised to hear that he does some some anger issues. Unfortunately, while he can recognize the anger, he has difficulty pinpointing the source or what might be considered the “important” underlying emotions. Thus, he never really addresses them.

I could tell you that dealing with a person who has developed these counterproductive habits is straining and, while that is the truth, it is not my whole truth. Honestly, I didn’t open my eyes to the negative impact that his sensitivity had until now. I hadn’t realized why he was so disproportionately angry and how he struggled with the emotions he has. Many people would not blame me; after all, if he could not realize this how could I? Perhaps I was keeping myself from seeing the entire picture. Now that I do, and I may be the only person who does have this insight, I can see how he will be miserable for the rest of his life if he doesn’t take the initiative to change. In these stressful times, I not only worry about having to start over again, both emotionally and financially, but I worry about the person I love most in this world never being able to find happiness.

Of course, when I try to discuss the issue I am either met with flat out denial (“I’ll be happier after we divorce”) or he tells me not to worry about him because I have enough on my plate as it is. That is entirely true but it’s also true that it is nearly impossible not to worry about the one you love, especially when the conflicts that person faces could be the very thing which tears apart your relationship. Even if I wanted to ignore the issue, it would only continue to plague my marriage.

As I draw this to its conclusion, I can only say that my husband’s sensitivity has turned out to be both a wonderful blessing and a heart breaking curse. It is, like many things, a double edged sword but despite the hardship it has caused us both, I would rather have him with his issues than not at all – because I love him.