I consider myself a ‘bigger girl’.  Many have said, “No, no- you’re not THAT big!  Definitely not considered a BBW.” However, when I consider my weight to my height, and my dress size, I’m big enough.  If I’m not big enough to be considered a BBW, then I’m just ‘short and fat’ – and well, that’s no good.  I have yet to really ‘embrace’ my size.  My curves are a part of who the ‘grown up’ me is.

Now before I start going into a post on fat acceptance etc., lets be clear that this post is not about that.  This post is not about how I think all fat women are the best, and skinny girls need a burger and chili fries.  This post is not about how I think YOU should accept my fat ass as some sort of power statement.  This post is about how I feel in MY body.  Period.  Nothing else.  Me and my curvy ass and what I consider to be the most hideous part of my body.

I have had three C-sections in my life.  One was almost 16 years ago when I was 23 and had just gained about 80 pounds during my pregnancy.  The other two happened 15 months apart when I was 31 and 32.  Add to that the 8 year old ‘baby weight’ I was STILL carrying from the first pregnancy and you can imagine the fatty mess that is my mid section.  If you take my dark nipples, my belly button and the way my belly hangs due to the c-section, it looks like a happy face on a giant potato.  If you are laughing at that: good.  It oddly always makes me laugh too- right before I want to cry and start looking up information on lap band procedures and liposuction.

Being that part of my blogging includes me posting pictures, you will notice that the only time my midsection is shown is when it’s covered in corset.  This is strategic.  Who wants to showcase what they hate the most?  Not I, said the sex blogger.

This brings me to my next point.  Now that I’m a kinky girl about town, I’m in front of people now.  I meet people and talk to them, and play in public  – which includes taking my clothes off, which INCLUDES my top or my bottoms, which means there’s NO WAY to hide the area between my tits and my pussy.  The triangle of doom is there for all to see.  Luckily, I am usually facing away from people, over a spanking bench or a table of some sort.  Luckily my ass is a bigger, more inviting target.  If my tits or face is the impact area of choice, my Top is standing right in front of me- so that blocks the view.  The view to whom, you might ask?  Well the view of the people who are most likely NOT looking at me, of course.  Perhaps it’s the view of my friends or other kinksters who are more than likely watching the way my face reacts to the violet wand, how my fists are clenched, how my top is staring intently at the back of my head, or my ass.  The thought that anyone is looking and thinking, “Wow did you see the way bearing children has misshaped her body?” is kind of ridiculous.

I realize much of my discomfort is in my head. If I believe what I’m told, I’m a pretty girl with a sexy curvy body.  However the thought of being naked while NOT having something blocking the view of my “frontals” makes me nervous.  It makes me want to hide in the bathroom all night.  So when my Sir told me, “I want you naked by my side all the time,” immediately I said, “huh?  What?”  Naked by his side.  Not over a bench, or in front of him- but by his side.  Next to him, standing, walking or sitting while he talks to people, while I talk to people.  “Really?”  I asked him again.  “Ohh, I don’t know Sir.”

This is where submission meets  body image,  16+ years of insecurity challenged against my desire to present him with my nakedness as he wishes.

.Before some of you start thinking, “He should understand.  He shouldn’t make you do that.  He shouldn’t put you in that position.”, please try to remember something: The decision to submit is mine.  This is what he is asking of me as a gift to him.  His intention is not to humiliate me.  His intention is not to push me in the middle of a circle of drunken rednecks so they can poke at me with sharp sticks (at least I don’t think so!).  No, this is in a BDSM setting, in which people in the know will surely acknowledge my nakedness as an act of submission to him.  I have seen this also.  I’ve acknowledge with respect those who stand naked or mostly naked next to their Dominant and to be honest, I don’t have a single memory of what their body looked like.  Just their posture, their smile, perhaps their collar.

I am to be present for him the way he sees me, naked, bare and His.  My only concern needs to be that he wants to see me this way and what other people think should not matter.  I need to have faith that he believes I’m beautiful uncovered.  I need to be proud that he has chosen me to stand next to him.  That I have accepted this relationship on his terms.  It’s about trust.  It’s not really about my naked body, or what other people think, or even about my 16 years of body image issues.  It’s about trust.  It’s that I trust him to care for me.  That I trust he will not push me farther than I’m mentally ready to go.  That I trust he’ll not take one look at my body, bare and exposed, and think, “Yeah I’m throwing this one back in the sub-pool and going after a younger version who wears a size 4 and has tits that defy the laws of gravity.”  I need to trust that he made a wise decision when he chose me.

Sure, I will hope that he allows me to wear panties.  Yes, something that comes up over the belly a little bit WILL make all the difference in my comfort- and it would not surprise me at all if he agrees to this, as he is a warm and kind Sir.  However, I need to be prepared that he might not now, or he may not always accept this compromise for me.  Regardless, I am proud that he chose me.  I will trust that he knows better than me on this issue and I will do as I’m requested to the very best of my ability because I acknowledge that my fears are in my head.  What matters is how he sees me.  I need to find comfort in the fact that he thinks I’m sexy and beautiful and my nakedness shows my dedication and commitment to Him.  I have to keep telling myself that the approval or disapproval of my body by people who are not judging me anyway is not good enough reason for me not to give him what he asks of me, my naked trust.