Red Flags of an Abusive Partner: Part II

Many people are interested in ways they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be abusive. There are red flags of potential batterers, if you know what kinds of behaviors and patterns to look for. Some of them are more obvious than others. For a longer list of warning signs, you can go here. What I want to talk about are some of the less obvious ones; the subtle signs that this person may turn out to be an abuser that are easy to miss or excuse away. If a person exhibits several of these (and some of the others on that list) behaviors, say, three or more, there is strong potential for physical violence. The more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a few behaviors that a partner can recognize, but they are very exaggerated. And a lot of these behaviors can seem flattering at first, and in small doses. As time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the partner. Remember, abuse is about power and control, and the purpose of all abusive behaviors is to gain and maintain power and control over you.

I would like to offer a disclaimer, however, that just because someone has some of these characteristics DOES NOT mean that they will definitely be a batterer. And you can’t always predict when someone will be abusive. These are just traits and characteristics that have been found to be correlated with people who batter their partners.

HYPERSENSITIVITY. An abuser is easily insulted over seemingly trivial things, claiming their feelings are “hurt,” when in actuality they are angry or taking the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that have happened, things that are just a part of living (for example, being asked to work late, getting a traffic ticket, being asked to help with chores, or being told some behavior is annoying). They cannot let things go, and that traffic ticket could ruin not just their day, but their entire week. This person does not live by the mantra, “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” because to them, there is no small stuff. Everything is a big deal, from a spilled drink to a missed phone call. This is a huge sign of emotional immaturity and someone that cannot handle their emotions or cope with stress. Oftentimes, these people tend to fall apart at the first signs of stress, often becoming extremely volatile or angry. They may be a stickler for having a routine, or may be a creature of habit to an extreme level. They may not handle change well, from small changes like a change in plans for the night to larger changes, like you taking on a second job.  Times of stress often trigger an abusers rage, as they react to not being able to control other things in their life by trying to tighten control over you. Pay close attention to how your partner reacts when things don’t go their way or in times of stress.

DR. JEKYL/MR. HYDE PERSONALITY. I can’t even count the number of clients I’ve had that described their abuser as “bipolar” or having a “mental problem.” An abuser’s seemingly sudden changes in mood are confusing and frightening. One minute they’re in a great mood, the next they’re exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. The mood swings also serve to keep you off balance, and always unsure about how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking. This keeps the control with them, which is an abuser’s goal at all times. These behaviors are related to other characteristics, such as hypersensitivity. This kind of “dual personality” may also be seen in the public versus private realms of their life. They are often very charming and manipulative, and very popular among peers and friends, yet are a completely different person once they are home with you.

THEY PRESSURE YOU FOR SEX. When your partner doesn’t respect your wishes or feelings regarding sex, this is a sign of a tendency towards exploitation, which often goes along with abuse. This, like most all abusive behaviors, starts subtly. They may pout or sulk if their sexual advance is denied, or make you feel guilty until you give in. They may begin having sex with you while you are asleep. They may push boundaries that you’ve blatantly expressed should not be crossed, or become rough with you without discussing it first. They may show little to no concern for your sexual wants and desires. But remember, any sexual coercion or force in a relationship is abuse, not a sign that abuse may be coming.

*These next four warning signs actually are examples of battering behavior, and their presence indicates that the person has already become abusive. Physical aggression towards a partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. “Violence” is behavior that physically hurts or frightens you, takes away freedom of movement, causes you to believe or fear that you will be physically harmed, or forces any sort of sexual contact or unwanted physical intimacy*

PAST BATTERING. The biggest predictor of whether someone is, or will be, abusive is past abuse. The abuser may say they have hit partners in the past, but blame them for the abuse (‘they made me do it,“ “they just made me so angry I couldn’t help it!”). You may hear from relatives or ex-partners that they are abusive. A batterer will abuse any person they are with if the relationship lasts long enough for the violence to begin. Situational circumstances do not make one’s personality abusive. Think about it: do you suddenly become a violent, abusive person in one relationship, yet are a fantastic partner in your next one? Chances are, no.

THREATS OF VIOLENCE AND INTIMIDATION. Intimidation and threats, even if it seems unintentional, is a sign that emotional abuse has most likely already begun. This includes vaguely threatening statements like, “You don’t want to see me mad,” or “You have no idea what I’m capable of,” as well as any threat of physical force meant to control you: “I’ll slap you if you talk to me like that/do that to me again,” “I’ll kill you,” “I’ll break your neck.” A batterer may raise a fist or purposely make you flinch. Most people do not threaten their partners in such an extreme manner; abusers will try to excuse their threats by saying “everybody talks like that.” The more involved you become with a threatening or intimidating person, the harder it is to leave them due to the level of fear that they instill in you over time.

BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS. Breaking loved possessions is used as a punishment, but mostly to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist, or throw objects around or near you, even if they don’t hit you. They may drive recklessly when angry, with you in the car. Again, this is extreme behavior. Not only is this a sign of extreme immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the right to punish or frighten their partner.

ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT. This may involve the abuser holding you down, physically restraining you from leaving the room, or any pushing or shoving. They may hold you against the wall, telling them, “You’re going to listen to me!” It could also involve taking and hiding your keys to prevent you from leaving, locking you in or out of the house, or leaving you somewhere with no way to get home.

While all of these are signs to be wary of, be especially wary and consider getting out as soon as possible if your partner’s behavior rapidly progresses in extremeness. While some abusers exhibit these behaviors slowly at first, and some may always only show signs of these now and again, batterers who become extreme very quickly are especially dangerous, and more likely to be physically violent. It’s also important to be aware that as an abuser begins to enact the abusive behaviors, they’ll often believe that it’s you that’s changing, not them.

If you know about these signs, you can pay attention if a partner starts to exhibit them, especially early in the relationship and may be able to avoid a potentially abusive relationship. And how do you know when it becomes abuse? These behaviors become abusive when they’re part of a pattern of abuse; a pattern of behavior. When your partner starts to exercise power over you through these, and other, behaviors in a way that is harmful to you and creates privilege within the relationship for them, it’s become abusive and it’s time to get out.