My ex-husband and I were the most normal, vanilla couple you could ever meet. Married 10+ years, three kids, two cars, house in the suburbs, sex on Saturday nights. We didn’t fight, or drink, or do drugs. No wild parties, no clanking skeletons in our closets.
It was boring.
Okay, so I’d asked for it. My life prior to meeting and marrying my ex had been…NOT boring. In some not-always-good ways. When offered the “normal,” quiet life of a suburban housewife and mother, I jumped at the chance. Normalcy? Seriously? Sure, I’ll take stab at it. And it worked for a while. In fact, even now, I appear as normal as the next person. It’s just when you get to know me that you learn there’s another side to me. That’s just the point though—there is this other side to me. There’s the side that likes to play kinky games, to get tied up and spanked, that has two primary relationships and a host of secondary ones with men and women, that writes a BDSM sex blog and a blog about the joys and challenges of living polyamorously. It was that side that was dying inside me all that time I was trying to be “normal.” It was that side that drove me to explore what else life had to offer, and what I might be missing out on. I knew there was something missing—that there was more—I just didn’t know what that more was.
That’s when I discovered BDSM. That’s when I discovered what a truly kinky woman I am, and that I needed a kinky partner to share that with. I discovered that I am a bottom in the BDSM hierarchy, and I needed a Top to make my sexuality complete.
We had been married about 10 years when I discovered kink. Or discovered kink the way I know it now. My first experience with kinky sex of any sort was the way that many young women of my generation discovered it: through the infamous “bodice ripper,” better-known as the steamy romance novel. And I’m telling you, if you don’t think those books have kinky sex in them, you haven’t read the right ones. A lot of critics decried the “rape-turned-pleasure” scenario, or scenes of women being kidnapped, tied up and raped, only to end up in love with their captor, but I ate that shit up. As did a whole lot of young girls, I imagine. I never bought the argument that this kind of imagery in romance novels influenced girls to expect and/or enjoy rough sex, either. Reading gay novels doesn’t turn you gay. You either gravitate toward that kind of sex—domination and submission—or you don’t, and it does nothing for you. But that’s a whole other discussion. My point here is that while I had read and been turned on by those kinds of stories early-on, I never knew that real people actually did those things—and enjoyed them—until I discovered discussion lists on the internet, way back in the early days of AOL. But once I did, I couldn’t let go of it.
Sex with my ex had been okay up to that point. Nothing spectacular, and sometimes downright dismal, but I had been led to expect that once you were married, hot, steamy sex that made your toes curl was not realistic. There were so many other benefits to being married, right? Even wanting hot sex was a little…suspect. Kind of wrong. But hell, he seemed to be having a fine ole time. He had orgasms, he seemed to be having fun and be interested in the whole thing. It was me that had a problem. Sex was kind of…boring.
Except (after I discovered BDSM online) in my head. Oh my god, sex got hot then. And, given the right headspace, I could use those fantasies to fuel sex with my ex! Soon I was having almost as much fun as he was—except I was having it with partners that spanked, tied and dominated me. In my head. (Of course, maybe he was too.)
There came a day, though, when living it in my head wasn’t enough. I had met someone online that wanted me to meet in real life. I loved my husband and we had a good marriage—except this one thing. I debated for weeks. Should I try and tell him what was turning me on? (Because even he had realized by this time that I was a lot more interested in sex than I had been, and a lot more enthusiastic. I’d let him assume it was that thing about women in their 30′s coming into their own sexually.) I tried to think of a way to tell my conservative, traditional, missionary-position husband that I wanted to experiment with kinky sex, that I fantasized about being spanked, tied up & dominated in the bedroom, but I wasn’t even sure I actually wanted those things in real life.
I decided to meet the Top that I had been talking to. I’d love to say that he was upstanding and honorable, and didn’t fool around with me since I was married, but that isn’t true. And I’d love to be able to chalk up my 6-month affair with him to innocence and him taking advantage of a new, dewy-eyed, submissive unable to think for herself in the thrall of D/s. But that’s not true either. He didn’t subvert me; he didn’t lead me anywhere I didn’t want to go. I chose the path I took with open eyes. I wanted to know about myself in this, to discover it for myself, before I broached the subject to my ex. But I fully intended to talk to him about it, if it was, indeed, something that I wanted to do in real life. If it was something more than just kinky fantasies in my head.
And what I discovered was that yes, I wanted to do this in real life. In fact, I discovered that kinky is what I am, that submission is a deep need in me, and that if I didn’t have it as part of my sexuality, I would no longer be fulfilled. It was an exhilarating—and frightening—discovery. Because, in spite of the fact that I’d been having an affair, I loved my husband deeply and was very, very happily married to him. I didn’t want to have an affair. I wanted to do all those lovely, nasty, perverted things with him.
I got lucky in my choice of Dominants, because he understood this, and he supported it. In fact, he insisted on it. He knew how unhappy not telling my husband made me, and one day, he told me that it was time for me to find a way to talk to him.
(To be continued…)
Can’t wait to hear more! I totally relate to that feeling of struggling to be normal.
Violet Vamp´s last blog ..HNT: Ready to be Explored
[...] into a so-far-two, but possibly-multiple, part series over on Eden Cafe. The first part, “One Vanilla Couple’s Journey Into Kink, or, How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into A Pervert” is up over there [...]
It hurts to read this, for me, because it’s how my husband felt for so many years. He loved me and wanted em to be the one doing all these kinkly things…but I fought him and told him no. I am looking forward to the conclusion as well.
@Airen: It’s such a difficult place for a couple to be in, when one of them has discovered, or wishes to explore, their kink side, and their partner either has no interest or is actively against it. What do you do when you love someone and want to do these things with THEM and no one else? What does the partner on the other side do, when these things are NOT something they get or want? I’ve encountered this situation several times since with friends of friends that have “heard” about me having been thru it, and are seeking–something. Advice, commiseration, understanding of what they are feeling. There is such deep pain/longing on both sides it brings all that up for me again. All I can do is to tell them my story, the good and bad, and hope for the best for them.
Jade´s last blog ..My Day
Can’t wait for part two , but sorry that your husband is now your ex.
Missy´s last blog ..Fun Factory "Scorpio" Review
[...] Anal Fairy Tale How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 In Her Place Kinky Love that Thang He Does On Productivity, Insanity and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches [...]
[...] How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 [...]
Can’t wait to hear the rest.
[...] You can find part 1 of this series here. [...]
[...] Anal Fairy Tale How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 In Her Place Kinky Love that Thang He Does On Productivity, Insanity and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches [...]
Can’t wait for part duex
Becky xxx
Clone A Willy´s last blog ..Clone A Willy UK
[...] Anal Fairy Tale How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 In Her Place Kinky Love that Thang He Does On Productivity, Insanity and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches [...]
[...] How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 [...]
[...] How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 [...]
[...] How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 [...]
[...] Anal Fairy Tale How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 In Her Place Kinky Love that Thang He Does On Productivity, Insanity and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches [...]
[...] Anal Fairy Tale How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 In Her Place Kinky Love that Thang He Does On Productivity, Insanity and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches [...]
[...] How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 [...]
Jade ~ I feel like I was reading something I wrote. This is exactly what I am going through now. To do those “lovely, nasty, perverted things” however is not something my husband is open to doing, because HE doesn’t see lovely, nasty and perverted as adjectives that can work together. Thank you for sharing this. Yes, you’re right, people do look to you for advice and commiserating. The ones who are new to this and are going through it as well and look to the people like you who have gone through it. Looking forward to part 2.
[...] Anal Fairy Tale How I Turned My (Ex)Husband Into a Pervert Pt.1 In Her Place Kinky Love that Thang He Does On Productivity, Insanity and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches [...]