One Couple’s Journey into Kink (Part 2)

Fri, May 14, 2010

Relationships, Sex and Sexuality, Sex. Sexuality. Humor. Community. Events., kink

You can find part 1 of this series here.

I couldn’t imagine how I could possibly tell my conservative, straight-laced husband that I had discovered kink. That I had not only discovered a whole new world, but I had landed on its rocky shores and was in the process of exploring it. At least I had a guide, in the person of my Dom. He wouldn’t even have that. And I certainly wouldn’t be able to guide him. In the midst of sub frenzy, I was looking for someone to guide me, to lead me–how could he ever be that person?

How does a Top with no experience become a Top? What resources were there for someone that wants to learn to Dominate another human being? I didn’t have a clue. More than that, I didn’t have a clue if he’d even want to. But I had a challenge of my own: how to tell my husband that his wife liked kinky sex.

I imagined sitting down at the kitchen table with him. Maybe we’d be having a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. I’d just open my mouth and–

What? I could barely even think about saying those words to him, much less speaking them. You gotta understand what I was like back then. What we were like. We didn’t talk about sex, it just wasn’t done, not in explicit terms. I was so afraid of making him feel…inadequate. Less-than. I truly adored him, and, although I didn’t recognize it for what it was back then, responded to him with a quiet kind of submission, always allowing him to take the lead, in and out of the bedroom. I had begun to realize by that point, of course, that this was because of what I am–a submissive–and that my reactions are a natural part of the way I tend to respond to more dominant personalities. But at that moment, thinking about telling him something that could make him hate me, fill him with disgust for me, change our very lives in an unalterable way, well, I was frankly terrified. Because here is the truth of it: once having opened that Pandora’s Box, there is no unopening it.

But I’d already opened it, hadn’t I? The first time I had called my Dom “Sir,” the lid was off the box.
The bald truth was that I was more terrified of living a lie. I loved this man, I loved our life, I loved that he had been able to give to me this “normal” life, a life of stability and ordinariness, that I had so craved when I had met him. But once I’d seen what lived inside Pandora’s Box, once I’d let it out, I didn’t want to put it back in. I didn’t want to kill it, to hide it, to deny it. To use my previous metaphor, I wanted to explore this strange new country from shore to shore. And I wanted him to explore it with me.

So I wrote a story.

A sexy, erotic story about a man and woman that engage in some hot, kinky sex on a boardwalk on a beach. Not somewhere that he could ever place as “real.” The woman wasn’t me. But her desires–and her fears of the consequences of those desires–were very real.

And I left it on the keyboard of his computer. And then–I waited.

I waited for two days. The story disappeared. He didn’t mention it. We did all our normal things. I saw…consideration…in his eyes. Found him watching me, knew he was thinking, wondering about it, about me.

I am not good at waiting. I may have said that a time or two. Those were the longest two days of my life. Would he ask me for a divorce? Would he ignore it altogether? Would he come up behind me in the kitchen, grab me by the hair, push me down to my knees and tell me to “suck my cock, bitch?” (Well a girl can dream, can’t she?) I didn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. By the time the evening of the third night had come, I was a hot mess.

And determined to speak up. To ask.

“Give him time,” my (now ex) Dominant counseled. (When I told him that yes, I would talk to my husband, he told me that it was time to release me, and that from that point we would be friends, but not lovers, not BDSM partners. “That’s for your husband now,” he said. “Give your submission to him.”)
I didn’t have to bring the subject up though. As we headed down the hallway after putting our children to bed, he said, “Get me a glass of wine, and let’s go sit out on the deck. You’ll probably need one too. I think we have some things to talk about.”

And so it began. The journey. He didn’t ask for a divorce. He was puzzled, but curious too. He’d never heard of it other than the extremes of what the media portrays, and couldn’t imagine ever hitting or willingly hurting me, or any woman. Or why that would be something I might want. Or that he might want.

I’ll be honest–I never told him about my infidelity. I told him I had learned about it from online and in books and that was it so far. I gave him copies of “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns and ” SM 101.” I gave him a list of websites, one of which turned out to hold the key to what would be his first, tentative forays into BDSM: a bondage website. I gave him stories I had written, and told him there were local groups that met monthly where we could meet and talk to real people that did this.

He is the kind of person that needs to take time to deliberate a thing. And deliberate he did. For a month. He didn’t want to go out in the “real world” and meet people yet, but he gave me permission to go to a couple meetings and a play party/social, just to check out the scene. And that is where I met some of the people that would eventually mentor and teach both he and I about the “Lifestyle.” And who would become people I am proud to consider some of my best friends, to this day.

From that beginning we ended up enjoying five incredible years practicing BDSM together. It wasn’t always easy, but it was worth every moment, even the ones where we stumbled and fumbled and made mistakes. We learned about so much more than just sexual gratification; we learned about ourselves and each other that made our relationship–not just the sex–better.

This post was written by:

Jade - who has written 17 posts on Eden Cafe.

I’m just your average woman living an un-average life. Bisexual, kinky, ethically non-monogamous, I write about living the life of my dreams: fully, authentically, without apology.

Contact the author

30 Responses to “One Couple’s Journey into Kink (Part 2)”

How We Got Kinky – Part 2 « Pieces of Jade says:

May 14, 2010 at 2:04 pm

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e[lust] #14 – e[lust] says:

May 25, 2010 at 10:29 am

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May 25, 2010 at 10:36 am

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May 25, 2010 at 10:37 am

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e[lust] #14 | Life on the Swingset says:

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Michelle Phillips says:

June 25, 2010 at 12:42 am

Well here it is! Still new to Eden Cafe so my apologies inquiring about Part 2. So you ended up with an ex-husband and an ex-Dom? Doesn’t make me want to talk to my husband anymore than I already have about my kinky desires. He already feels inadequate and that he can’t satisfy me in bed. I have learned to push my desires down when it comes to sex with him. He is dominant by nature and am surprised he wouldn’t want me to be more submissive in a sexual way…if he could only open his mind to it, he might actually enjoy it. Thank you for sharing this. I plan to pass it on.

29.1

Jade says:

June 25, 2010 at 8:53 am

Hi Michelle…

Well, yes, the short of it is that I ended up with an ex-husband, but that happened as a result of other things, not the kink. Still, it was a very real fear and concern of mine when I opened up the topic to him. It’s a difficult choice to make, and fraught with risk. That is an assessment you will have to make: is it worth the risk? Because yes, it could end up being a “deal breaker” for him. On the other hand, can you live a life with a partner that doesn’t satisfy you sexually in this way (and, for me, emotionally, because the two are inextricably tied together.) It may be that yes, that is a viable choice, or that you can find small ways to get those needs met…again, only you can make that assessment in the end.

I will say that although I “ended up with an ex husband” I now have two amazing relationships and a life more perfect than I ever could have hoped for. I am satisfied emotionally and sexually and personally in ways I never dreamed of being before I started on this path. But I had to leave my 15 yr marriage to find it. It wasn’t easy, but in the end, I know I made the right choice for myself–AND for my ex, who is also happily re-partnered with a woman that suits him and the life he wants to lead.

For more up-to-date reading on the path my life has taken (the stories in this series date back 7 years and more) please read my blogs (listed in my profile.)

Thanks for reading–and I wish you well in your own journey!

Jade
Jade´s last blog ..Shoe Slut

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