Last week, I wrote about how I react to the little things M asks me to do. And I got a comment that makes me think I didn’t really make the point I meant to. And it seems I made one that isn’t true.

Jessie said:

I just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading this post. There is so much here that I can relate to, from your not being a girly girl and just wanting to be comfortable to your relationship finding itself on the rocks due to your attitudes toward M. I also want to congratulate you on recognizing what was going on. I’ve been through this with my partner many times, to the point of asking her if she just wants to be the Domme and tell me what to do to her and when and how since whatever I ask seems to be wrong. It’s almost killed our relationship more than once (we’re actually sort of on the rocks as far as kinky play again over that one right now …) If you ask for help on the message boards, the general response you’ll get is to find another sub – but that becomes way more complicated when you start figuring in actual love and commitment. I do hope you and M can work it out!

After reading the post, and Jessie’s comment, M was… bothered. And rightly so. He wasn’t aware there was a problem! He certainly wasn’t privy to me questioning my desire to be a slave. Just the other night, I told him I want to be a slave! So I wanted to clarify for him and our readers.

There’s not a problem with our relationship. There’s a problem with me.

Things have been steadily changing between M and me. That’s normal. Everything in this world evolves. But the changes between us more recently have been rather extreme. And just when we both get settled into our new routine/dynamic/what have you, something happens, and we have to change again.

I’ve always been good at rolling with the punches… so long as the punches don’t disrupt my ultimate plan. For whatever. My day, our relationship, our future, what I’m having for lunch… Yeah. I’m that ridiculous.

For example, a while back M tasked me with making a menu for all three meals every two weeks, and from that, making a shopping list. I didn’t mind doing it. Even enjoyed it most times. And the twice-a-month shopping trips I envisioned this endeavor would result in had me giddy.

I can’t remember if he checked the menu when it was finished, but I doubt I ever put anything on it he wouldn’t eat. And every single time, our cabinets would be full of the food on the list, and I’d tell M what was for dinner, and he wanted something else. And more often than not, it was something we didn’t have, so we’d have to go shopping again.

I hate shopping. I hate wasting my time on something and watching it get scrapped even more.

And therein lies the problem. It’s not my time. And he doesn’t need to change what he does to avoid pissing me off. I need to learn to be happy spending my time however he wants.

We’re going through basically the same thing, now. I enjoy the things he wants me to do most of the time. They make me feel owned, secure, sexy, cared for. But he keeps coming at me with them when I’m not interested. And that’s my problem. We’re not husband and wife, where that’s concerned. We’re master and slave. And I should be happy to put aside what I’m doing to do what would please him.

I don’t question my decision to be owned, and I apologize if I gave that impression. My point was only that M put the thought in my head, and now I’m obsessing over it. But when it comes right down to it, I’m just a baby, and I need to get over myself. Half the point of this thing we do, for me, is that my time is not mine. Even when I really want it to be.

Jessie, this last part is for you, and if anything comes across as offensive, let me apologize now, because it’s not meant to be.

You’re right about the message boards. They frustrate me in a way I can’t describe.

to the point of asking her if she just wants to be the Domme and tell me what to do to her and when and how since whatever I ask seems to be wrong.

Honestly, that question gets my temper going like no other. At that point, I usually lose interest in trying to communicate. And I’m always half-tempted to say yes just to see the look on his face. It’s not fair, and it’s childish, but it is the reality of things.

I think the biggest change in our relationship is that M and I both used to just react with comments like that one, instead of trying to actually get to the crux of the problem. Now, we both try to listen to each other, and consider what we hear, before allowing ourselves to react, regardless of how it makes us feel. And this has made me feel safe digging into my psyche and figuring out why I’m acting the way I do.

I don’t know you, so maybe communication isn’t the problem. But I find nine times out of ten, it is. And even if it isn’t, it’s the best way to figure it out.

I hope this was helpful.