Eden Cafe

I’m not a big fan of complications and I like them even less in my relationships. Although I haven’t always been perfect, it’s been years (and even then I was only 17) since I could have used the status “It’s Complicated” for my relationship on a social network and I like it just fine. Despite the fact that my marriage has had a run in with infidelity, it’s still much less complicated than almost every other relationship I know. When people (and I hope it’s not you!) constantly complain about how their relationships (and lives) are so dramatic and complicated, it’s time to for them to stop pointing the finger at others and take a good, long look in the mirror. The common denominator will almost always be looking right back. It’s you.

Keeping a relationship drama free isn’t always easy; it can be a constant responsibility, but the steps to do it are pretty clear cut and usually involve a little will power and common sense. That’s all. I make it seem easy, don’t I? I guess it is as I’ve been doing it for years now. From the time my husband and I decided we were an item, I have made a good effort to do a few things to keep things complication-free even when we were only dating online, then living across the world from each other and still, now, when I have to deal with living only a short drive from the in laws. I can always use improvement but they’re a guide to which I adhere pretty well, most days at least!

I get on the same page.

Okay, not at first. I’m guilty about this one. We flirted back and forth without really identifying what our relationship was, but only for a few days, before my cousin inquired (and did I mention I was 17?). We decided we were, in fact, a couple and we were both on the same page. Now, you don’t have to be in a relationship or be not in a relationship. You can be wherever you want on the spectrum as long as everyone involved is in agreement. I don’t mind not rushing things or taking things slow but I need to know that’s what we’re doing and I’m smart enough to know that assumption can be dangerous. I don’t have time for someone who doesn’t know what they want our status to be nor am I willing to wait around in limbo while they try to figure it out. Call me later. I’m out of here!

This prevents all the mishaps which result from assuming you are or aren’t in a relationship with a person, only to find out they think otherwise. And if someone isn’t willing to agree on a definition? I’d walk faster than you can say “This cannot end well.” (And they’re probably a shady character anyway). It prevents sticky situations from arising. I don’t need to find out I thought I was someone’s girlfriend when, in fact, I was actually just the girl on the side.

I make myself clear, honestly.

I let my then boyfriend know I wanted a serious relationship and I let everyone else know, too. I let him know what was okay for us to do with others (what constitutes cheating) and what I needed out of the relationship in terms of emotional commitment and effort. I didn’t want to get married right-then-and-there but there are certain things I need to be happy in a relationship. I didn’t expect him to be a mind reader so I put it out there so we could discuss and cooperate on to make our relationship successful. I have continued on that path, letting him know what I need and how I feel on a daily basis (well, usually). I set the stage for him to do the same in return.

Plus, letting others know (you don’t have to shout it from the rooftop or shove it in other’s faces; although I may have out of sheer happiness) showed my own commitment to the relationship and helped things remain drama free. Everyone knew where we stood and boundaries were set. It wasn’t an easy lesson to learn and I can tell you this from personal experience.  At first, we weren’t honest with our families about the fact that we intended to – and then did – marry which only caused a boatload of complications that no one liked. Now? I don’t have time for that so I just make myself clear and it definitely reduces the stress about it. Eventually, the truth will come out and most of the time, it only becomes more disastrous the longer you hide it. We cannot control those around us but I choose to control the circumstances as much as possible by being honest. I wouldn’t be with someone who has reason to not be honest about us.

Being honest about a relationship is also really the only way you can stand up for it, together. When it comes down to it, I know that the world is not always my friend and I can only rely on my husband, as he can with me. Rather than waste fighting each other and dealing with the emotional fallout that entails, we take a stand against everything the world might think to throw at us and sometimes that’s even loved ones who would rather see us fail. My in laws have never been completely supportive about our marriage, perhaps due to some mistakes of our own, but I know the only way for us to be strong is to be strong together. I trust he will have my back against them, should the need arise. Of course, I will also have his. Perhaps this point is worthy of its own bullet: “We stick together.”

I don’t involve everyone and their dog.

You know those relationships which seem to involve everyone? No, I’m not talking about polyamory but the type where the involved parties cannot help but drag friends and family into their drama. Of course, everyone has an opinion. Of course, this creates complications, not to mention drama. It’s kind of a no brainer. So I don’t do it. Sure, I vent to a few close friends when things are frustrating and my mother has been my crying shoulder. I listen to their advice and even take it, when it’s good, but I don’t let anyone else make my own decision.

Nor do I communicate through those other people. When I need to discuss something with my husband, he hears it from me first, not through the grape-vine. And when I need to know what’s going on with him? I ask him. I don’t listen to hear-say. I don’t care what a friend of a friend has to say. I care about what my partner says and I bypass all the turmoil that comes from playing the telephone game with a relationship. A good friend was recently dumped but she didn’t hear it from him. No, she heard it through their mutual friends. I’m not Nike. I can’t “just do it,” when it comes to relationships like that.

I stay out of others’ drama.

Sure, I am a crying shoulder some of the time and I dole out advice left and right but it stops at that. I keep myself from being apart of another relationship’s drama and it makes mine that much more stress-free. I don’t want other people in my business so I mind my place and respect their boundaries. Some people might be surprised to realize how far this simple step can go. I go a bit further by cutting out those people whose lives are strife with drama and complications because I know, in the long run, those friendships are just too taxing too be worth it. I have a few friends who I hold at arm’s length because it’s too easy to get involved in that whirlwind and not be able to extract myself. It takes a bit, okay a lot, of will power but it’s important enough for me to have a drama free life that it’s worth it. Absolutely worth it.

The Rebuke

Now you might be thinking that I’m just a young lady in a “stereotypical” heterosexual and monogamous marriage and it’s just fine and dandy for me to stand on my soap box when I have no experience in all those other relationships. After all, when it comes to polyamory, BDSM, homosexual, May-December and all other types of “alternative” relationships, there is definitely more room for error as things become more intricate and, yes, even complex. But complex is not the same thing as complicated and all of my guidelines can just as easily be applied to a relationship of 3 or more (feel free to insert your own complex circumstances here) and, quite honestly, I think I’m right in saying that they should be. After all, they are just about communication, common sense and willpower, right? They can make the going a little bit easier for everyone involved.

No matter the relationship, there will be hurt feelings, arguments, mistakes made, tears shed, misunderstandings, poor communication and other general havoc. Shit will happen and it will be unexpected; we will have absolutely no control over it. So why choose not to control the things we can influence by cutting out drama and reducing complications? For me, there is absolutely no good reason. Otherwise, you’re just asking for it to be complicated.