I am normally a pretty empathetic person. I try to put myself in another person’s shoes and ask myself how they would feel in a given situation. It seems like there aren’t a lot of people who have the ability to do this. This is especially common of the mistress in an affair. I say mistress because misogyny causes a deep rooted hatred for women by other women. Some of us seem to lack the capacity to sympathize with another woman’s pain.
I guess I’ll tell my story so that I don’t alienate anyone.
My mother transferred guardianship of my sister to me and she came to live in my house so that she could have some stability and focus on school during her senior year. With the added costs of having a teenager in school at my own house I had to get a job to help support the family. I worked part time in the evenings when she got home from school until she graduated and then got promoted to a full time position. About the time this happened my husband was switched to an overnight schedule. Then our neighbor’s daughter came to our door at ten o’clock one night with tears streaming down her face. Her father had kicked her out of her house because she is a lesbian. She is a sweet girl and she was friends with my sister so we let her stay in our spare bedroom. Obviously the two extra people staying in our house, trying to pay bills and take care of kids and working completely different schedules began to impact my marriage. It was imperceptible to me at first. I was gone too much to see what was happening. I worked 40 hours a week. Five days, sometimes six, with two hours of driving a day. My husband was working 50 hours a week, 8 p.m. to 8 a.m., four nights a week.
It seemed like we were trying to make time for each other. We started watching Grey’s Anatomy together; he would sometimes drive to my job to have lunch with me. We tried to utilize the teenagers as babysitters on the few night we had to see each other. I was buying lingerie from my job every week to surprise him. Things seemed fine to me.
Then one day, while he was sleeping off a hard night of work, I borrowed his cell phone to see if his mother had called about the breakfast at our son’s school. The screen on his phone was lit up with a new text message from her. She was a mutual ‘friend’ of ours that we had known online for a few years. No red flags were going off yet, but when I opened the message my world came crashing down.
“It’s supposed to rain in ATL this weekend, baby.”
My heart started beating quickly. My ears started ringing. My face got hot. I started shaking uncontrollably. He groggily looked up at me with the realization of exactly what was happening in his eyes. He had told me that he wanted to attend an anime convention in Atlanta that weekend. I thought nothing of it because I had to work, and as much as I would have loved to go with him I trusted him to go alone. I had no reason not to. I ran into the kitchen and showed my sister his phone and fell into her arms sobbing. She tried to calm me down. He walked out of the bedroom, silently watching and unsure of what I was going to do. I was shaking so hard that I could barely text her back, but I managed to inform her that their affair was over and he would not be making any trips to Atlanta and that she should never talk to my fucking husband again. I threw his phone at him and told him he wasn’t going as I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door behind me. I got in the shower, sobbing hysterically, wanting to wake up from this nightmare. He came in and climbed into the shower in his clothes. I tried to push him away but I was so weak and hurt. I wanted him to comfort me even though he was the one who had hurt me.
Here’s the part where I turned into the crazy bitch.
I begged him to explain to me what was going on. I started lighting up her facebook page with insults and her instant messengers. I tried texting her and calling her over the next few hours. She was texting his phone and asking what she should do because I was going nuts. You’re god damn right I was going nuts. My husband was in love with another woman and had intended to spend his weekend consummating an affair he’d been having for a month. I have four children with this man and I haven’t got enough job experience to support them on my own. I gave this man eight years of my life and I love him with everything that I am. Yet you’re surprised that I lost my shit when I find out that the two of them had been sneaking around behind my back? Who doesn’t get angry and irrational when something like this happens?
You know what she told me when I told her that their affair was over? “I need to hear him say it. I have to know what he wants.” As if he owes her any sort of explanation. She knew he was married. She was my friend. She knew exactly what she was getting into when she began having an affair with a married man so she deserved nothing. I blocked everything. I didn’t trust her not to try to get in touch with him, and I was right. She couldn’t call his cell phone so she called him at work that night and begged him not to end things with her. I found out about it a few days later when he showed me his secret e-mail account and a blog the two of them had together. I threatened to leave if he didn’t end it completely. I was in so much pain, but I had been crying for a week and I didn’t have anymore tears to cry. I wanted to feel something. I told him to call her and tell her that he hated her. I wanted to hear him hurt her and hear her cry the way I had been crying all week. I have -never- been as vengeful as I was at that moment. He e-mailed her and called her to leave a voicemail telling her it was over for good and that he hated her for being a part of what caused me so much pain. She e-mailed him back and told him he should own his responsibilities and that he would eventually cheat on me again because of some insight she thought she had on our marriage. I texted her and told her I hoped her cervical cancer killed her and that I hoped it was worth losing his friendship for some phone sex.
The last few months have been a long healing process. Every time I would be on the brink of being over it I’d find a comment she left somewhere eluding to things they had done together. She actually introduced us to Eden Fantasys so we kind of run with the same communities. The emotions would flare up again every time. I have never hated anyone as much as I hated her. I was tired of being surprised and caught off guard by the things she had posted around so I wound up googling and checking all of her profiles. I wanted to get it all over and done with so that the pain could end and my healing could begin.
I’m not proud of the things I said or did, but I am okay because I know that aside from that I’m a very rational and calm person. I realize that my husband played his part in all of this. I was angry at him too, but we’re working on things. I can’t hold a grudge on either of them forever if I want to be a whole person. My issues with her are finally settling down, though we’ll never be friends again and she’ll never be permitted to speak to my husband again. I’m not that big of a person. It just sets something off inside of me when I read about the mistresses acting completely innocent and clueless about why a woman might lose her damn mind when she finds out someone is dating, sleeping with or falling in love with her husband. If you’re in a relationship with a married man then you know what you’re getting yourself into. Don’t be surprised when the shit hits the fan, because it will eventually. If you want to avoid dealing with psychotic wives then don’t get involved with married men. If you don’t heed that advice, then just be careful not to bite off more than you can chew.
Sorry to hear you’re going through this! The part where you wrote “I wanted him to comfort me even though he was the one who had hurt me.” really hit a chord with me, because I know exactly how that is. And I hope writing this story helped you work through some of what you’ve been through.
Very good story!
~Newme
Thanks Newme. I hate to know that any woman has to know that kind of pain. I do feel like writing this has helped me work through some of my pain and hurt.=)
Sarahbear´s last blog ..Yes Means Yes, or Pay Attention!
While I am truly sorry you had a heart wrenching experience like that, blaming the other woman is usually not the thing to do. However, I totally understand how in the heat of the moment you could be angry with her.
I maintain a stance that the other woman involved (or other man involved) is in no way responsible for the outcome of the married/involved person’s relationship. That relationship and its inner-workings are those of two people, and that relationship should stay with those two people (excluding poly relationships, of course). The woman who is not involved in that relationship, but in a completely different one (the one with the married/involved person) is a different beast and cannot be compared. Thus I really don’t like any blaming whatsoever of the other person involved (although it sounds like you’ve resolved that?).
Again, I’m not trying to come across as mean or insensitive as I realize that must have really taken a toll on you, but I just wanted to voice an opinion on these situations in general – not specifically your situation.
Saraid´s last blog ..Pleasurists #62
The other woman shoulders as much responsibility for the outcome of the marriage as the husband and wife do if she knew about the marriage and continued to pursue a relationship with the married man. Same goes for married women. The husband or wife can not make an effort to repair the marriage if their attention is focused on an outside relationship. Especially if the situation is like mine, where the mistress who knew about me tried to manipulate the situation by telling my husband things like ‘She doesn’t appreciate you.’, ‘I am so jealous of her. She doesn’t know what she has. So many women would love to have a guy like you. I would never treat you that way.’
Sound innocent to you? Blameless? More like someone who was intentionally trying to sabotage a marriage and deserved every bit of the blame and backlash she received.
What should happen in an ideal situation? The mistress backs the fuck off and says ‘Hey, you’re married. You need to work on your marriage or end it completely before I will begin a relationship with you.’ Otherwise they share the blame for the extra-marital affair. You can not knowingly and willingly participate in an affair without holding some portion of the blame. You have the free will to choose not to participate, and when you choose to continue it, to intentionally hurt someone, to aid in the destruction of a life they have built with their spouse you are no longer an innocent bystander. (And I am speaking of a general you, not aiming this directly at you)
Sarahbear´s last blog ..Yes Means Yes, or Pay Attention!
The thing is, people who enter a relationship like that usually aren’t trying to intentionally hurt anyone. They want to be happy just like anyone else. The difference is maybe the situation wasn’t ideal, but not all situations can go exactly as people want them to.
Saraid´s last blog ..Pleasurists #62
Selfish behavior doesn’t condone the relationship and alleviate the mistress of blame. Your right to happiness is no greater than the wife/husband that is left on the other side. I think the point of this story was for people to take a step back from their own selfish desires and consider the feelings of the other parties involved.
That’s the problem today, people are so caught up in their own happiness that they don’t care who they hurt in the process as long as they get what they are after.
This is not directed towards any certain person, nor their situation as every every situation is different. People just need to start taking responsibility for the calloused choices that they make. No, their intention may not have been to hurt the wife or the husband, but by continuing the relationship this is exactly what they are doing. They can’t claim ignorance and pretend nothing is their fault when they make this choice.
Kimberly´s last blog ..Life Is beautiful
Great blog, I am sorry that you had to experience something so awful. I cannot imagine going through that. And in my opinion, it is perfectly fine to blame the other woman when she KNOWS that the man is married! Married man=keep your grimy hands off! If you don’t, you deserve to have an angry wife go crazy on you! And of course you are going to freak out if the man you love and married, who you share children and a home and a life with cheats!! I admire you for taking the high road and trying to work things out with your husband. I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for almost 4 and I do not know what I would do if he cheated on me. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.
Thank you. =)
I agree with everything you said and I hope you never have to figure out what to do in a situation like mine. So far, things are working out well and I do appreciate the kind wishes very much.
Sarahbear´s last blog ..Yes Means Yes, or Pay Attention!
Wow. Of course a thousand woman would chime in on this blog, so here is my side. I am not the mistress, well not exactly. When I met Thomas he was leaving his wife. We met at work and hit it off. After he left her, we got together. She was to blame for him leaving. They were together for 11 years, and she was addicted to pain killers and partying. She was a worthless mother, and only cared about herself. That is why he left her. And I just happened to meet Thomas while he was looking for a new home. I happened to be looking for one also. We both feel in love fast, decided to move in together during our transition, and we are still together now, two years later. But his ex still thinks that I am the one to blame. That if he wouldn’t have met me that they would still be together. So what is everyone’s opinion on that one? Is it okay for the ex to say that? Is it okay to place all of her wrong doing for 11 years on my shoulders and make me the reason that he left? I think not! I think we met at the perfect time in our life. We both were at the end of terrible marriages and found each other. And I may have sped his leaving up, but it would have happened regardless. Why would anyone throw away happiness to stay in a marriage that is a nightmare? And the “it’s for the kids” statement is that worst one ever created! Most cases, it is worse for the kids. Simple as that. So not to point fingers at any woman or man. But if your partner is leaving you do not automatically point the finger at the other man/woman. First take a look in the mirror. We all going searching for what is missing.
If the marriage had already ended before you came along then I think it’s pretty obvious that I wasn’t talking about people in your situation. However, you yourself did say that you feel you helped speed up the process of him leaving her so it shouldn’t be too difficult to understand where she is coming from. As much as I despise the woman in the situation I went through I can still understand her desires to have a man pay attention to her when her own husband was wrapped up in other things.
I do have a pretty fundamental disagreement with you about marriage though. When you get married to someone you promise to love them and cherish them through the good, the bad and the ugly. There’s no clause that says ‘if you become a drug addict and it affects your parenting I’m getting the hell out of dodge.’. Everyone has different deal breakers when it comes to relationships and I feel like too many people get so wrapped up in the fantasy of marriage. They don’t like the reality that doesn’t involve glass slippers, fairy god mothers and the honeymoon phase. Once the mortgage comes due, the bills need to be paid, and you’re spending more time at work or taking the kids to soccer practice than you are with each other too many people are ready to give up on their marriage instead of working on it.
I actually believe that you should be trying even harder once you have children because you’re affecting their lives too. No parent is perfect, and there are situations where it’s best to cut your losses. There are marriages that aren’t savable. In a lot of circumstances though, people just jump ship because we live in a very self centered society. Our generation is one that has come to rely on instant gratification. Unfortunately, a lot of marital issues take more time and effort to work through than the majority of people are willing to give.
Sometimes what’s missing is right in front of your face and you can’t see it because you’re too busy paying attention to that grass in your neighbor’s yard.
Sarahbear´s last blog ..Yes Means Yes, or Pay Attention!
I’ve been on both sides of this. There was “another woman.” I’ve never hated anyone as much as I hated her. I’m not a violent person, but I had recurring dreams about bashing her face into concrete. I hated her, not him.
I’ve also been involved with a married man. I know that my involvement had nothing to do with their relationship. Their problems were theirs; I met him spearately, found out he was married after, but his unhappiness had nothing to do with meeting me. He was already unhappy. I don’t take responsibility for that.
I think, though, until I was the other woman, I never sympathized with her either. You’ll never fully understand until you’re in a position what it’s really like.
I actually would like to add something else. As someone that has been “the other woman,” and as someone that has befriended “the other woman,” you never know what the man is telling her. In the case of me being cheated on, the other girl really had no idea that he had a girlfriend. He referred to me as a crazy and obsessed ex, which explained the regular texts/calls, and said that I wouldn’t/couldn’t move on or get over him. She thought *she* was his girlfriend (which she was! We both were!). So he was feeding her a bunch of bull.
In the case in which I was the other woman, I was lucky to not have been fed any lies. But how many women fall for the “I’m going to leave my wife for you” or “my wife and I never have sex/are unhappy/insert sob story here”? You never know what that man is saying to that woman, and until you’ve been in the situation, you really can never judge them.
And I say this as someone that judged the other woman very harshly. But being on the flip side of the coin, especially when it’s somewhere you never would have thought you’d find yourself, gives you sympathy, empathy, and understanding where you didn’t think it could exist.
Britni TheVadgeWig´s last blog ..Book Club: A People’s History of the United States
I’m not foolish enough to think I know everything that he was telling her, but I do know for a fact that it was not that he intended to leave me. There was a lot of discussion about having a poly relationship and I did see a lot of their communication via e-mail and blog posts.
The main point of my post was to actually to try to provide some insight on what it’s like being the one who’s being cheated on. To try to garner some empathy from the mistresses who can’t seem to fathom why they have crazy ex-wives and ex-girlfriends so angry with them.
I do understand the desire to be wanted and have someone paying attention to you, but I do not have sympathy for people who knowingly put themselves between a husband and wife and attempt to disrupt a family purely for their own selfish sexual and emotional desires. I may feel differently one day, but I doubt it.
Sarahbear´s last blog ..Yes Means Yes, or Pay Attention!
I appreciate this post, and it’s heartbreaking to read. I’m so, so sorry that you had to go through that. And, as I said, I know (while it wasn’t a husband, it was someone I was with several years and thought I was going to marry) how devastating it is to find out that your partner is cheating on you. I hated her so much. I’ve never hated anyone so much in my entire life. As I said, I had a recurring dream that involved smashing her face repeatedly into concrete. And for me, it ended up becoming more about not letting her “win” then it was about being with him! I just didn’t want him to be with HER.
It wasn’t until years later that I was able to step back and empathize with her. It took grieving and healing. In the beginning, I never would have been able to see it that way. Now, I can. You may not be there yet. You may never be. It’s different for everyone.
I do want to say, though, that not everyone that gets involved with someone that is married is “knowingly putting themselves between a husband and wife and attempt[ing] to disrupt a family,” and especially not for “their own selfish sexual and emotional desires.”
It is very possible to fall in love with a married person, and in my case, if the married person had been happily married, I never would have met him. He was unhappy, and looking for fulfillment and companionship elsewhere. *I* had nothing to do with the fact that him and his wife hadn’t had sex in 6+ years. *I* had nothing to do with the fact that his wife ignored his attempts to talk about things (I’m also aware that there are two sides to every story). *I* had nothing to do with the fact that they had grown apart, and he was unhappy and looking to meet other people.
So, I have to disagree with the statement you made in response to Saraid:
“The other woman shoulders as much responsibility for the outcome of the marriage as the husband and wife do if she knew about the marriage and continued to pursue a relationship with the married man.”
If I met a man that was already on the outs with his wife, already sexless (with her, not in general) for 6 years, and contemplating and taking steps towards a divorce, how does him meeting and being involved with me make me responsible for the outcome of that marriage? Many married men promise their mistresses that they will leave for them, with no intention of ever doing so. If he’s going to leave, he’s going to leave, and it’s going to happen regardless of whether I’m in the picture or not.
Again, us having been on opposite sides of this situation will probably give us very different opinions on it, though.
Britni TheVadgeWig´s last blog ..Book Club: A People’s History of the United States
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by CarrieAnn , Sammi, Newme21, Saraid, Sarah and others. Sarah said: RT @EdenCafe He cheats, she finds out about it, the other woman is… clueless why she's so upset? http://bit.ly/d22yIc [...]
I’m glad that you wrote the article to put some insight into what it was like for you. I think it’s important for people to know what they may be putting thier partner through when they cheat on each other. Whether the couple is married or in a serious relationship – if they intended to be monogamous to each other, then they should definitely not cheat on one another. No one should try to come between them either.
I’ve never been cheated on ever, but I have a friend who has. She eventually got back together with him and married him recently.
When men/women cheat on thier wives/husbands it really gets to me, especially if they have children together. No matter what age they are you have to realize that what you do may have some affect on them.
I was told that the husband will rarely leave the wife if the mistress asks him to. They need to think about that too, if they are getting into a relationship with someone that is taken. They may be getting themselves into a relationship that will lead them nowhere.
I ran across your blog today while surfing the internet. I just wished I could have read it 5 years ago. I too went through something similar. A girl I called “friend” had an affair with my husband behind my back. And I too went crazy for a while. We tried to work it out but we ended up divorcing and he moved in with her. It lasted about a year and then she left him for someone else. Your story brought back a lot of memories, I truly admire you for sticking it out (I wish I could have done the same). I hope you are able to build your marriage even stronger than before. Good luck!
[...] Confession #413 Divorce Hard Time Getting Wet Hindsight I Can’t Get No Contraception. Part 5 Innocent and Clueless? I Think Not! Kegel Magic – For Men As Well As Women Kyle’s Visit – Collaring My boy One Year: The Story of [...]
[...] Confession #413 Divorce Hard Time Getting Wet Hindsight I Can’t Get No Contraception. Part 5 Innocent and Clueless? I Think Not! Kegel Magic – For Men As Well As Women Kyle’s Visit – Collaring My boy One Year: [...]
[...] Confession #413 Divorce Hard Time Getting Wet Hindsight I Can’t Get No Contraception. Part 5 Innocent and Clueless? I Think Not! Kegel Magic – For Men As Well As Women Kyle’s Visit – Collaring My boy One Year: The Story of [...]
[...] Innocent and Clueless? I Think Not! [...]
[...] Confession #413 Divorce Hard Time Getting Wet Hindsight I Can’t Get No Contraception. Part 5 Innocent and Clueless? I Think Not! Kegel Magic – For Men As Well As Women Kyle’s Visit – Collaring My boy One Year: The Story of [...]
[...] Confession #413 Divorce Hard Time Getting Wet Hindsight I Can’t Get No Contraception. Part 5 Innocent and Clueless? I Think Not! Kegel Magic – For Men As Well As Women Kyle’s Visit – Collaring My boy One Year: [...]
[...] Innocent and Clueless? I Think Not! [...]
[...] Confession #413 Divorce Hard Time Getting Wet Hindsight I Can’t Get No Contraception. Part 5 Innocent and Clueless? I Think Not! Kegel Magic – For Men As Well As Women Kyle’s Visit – Collaring My boy One Year: The Story of [...]
[...] Confession #413 Divorce Hard Time Getting Wet Hindsight I Can’t Get No Contraception. Part 5 Innocent and Clueless? I Think Not! Kegel Magic – For Men As Well As Women Kyle’s Visit – Collaring My boy One Year: [...]
Actually there are studies that show women are more predatory when dealing with a married man. Both are a fault for sure — but no effing way “is the other woman “innocent or clueless.”
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17619-its-true-all-the-taken-men-are-best.html
CockGawker´s last blog ..Social Proof — Feel The Burn