Edenfantasys is a great many things. It’s a community, it’s a forum, and it’s a place to review, to be heard, and to learn. When it comes right down to it, though, Edenfantasys is a sex toy shop; it just has a lot more to offer than most. To me, a toy store can encompass many things. The one I want to focus on is fantasy. Scrolling through the site, you can find many products dedicated to BDSM fantasies, sensuous fantasies, and even kits to help you achieve the particular fantasy you’re interested in. Sometimes, though, your fantasy isn’t in a store, sometimes it’s easily found, sometimes it’s unattainable.

Everybody fantasizes. There are people who dream of BDSM acts, while others long for candlelight and rose petals strewn across the bed. Your fantasies are exactly that, YOUR fantasy, they’re particular to a single person. They can be shared with partners, or sometimes even whole groups of people. There are times, however, when you can act them out with your partner and fulfill that need. I know people who have done just that, and had it work out as good or better than they had expected. This has pushed them to try more, share more with their partners, hoping that the next play session will be just as satisfying. Which is great, but I think we all know that not all fantasies translate well into real life. Something can be really hot and exciting in your mind but falls flat when you actually act it out. My fantasy, though, it falls into a third category: potentially harmful.

What if you have a fantasy that could hurt you? I don’t mean in the BDSM sense, though you can fantasize about rougher play than your body can handle. No, I mean what if you can’t emotionally or mentally handle your fantasy actually being played out. What if you try it, and it breaks some part of you because in abstract the idea is okay, but in reality it turns you into a sobbing, broken down mess? What if it was sexy in your head, but only serves to make you angry when you try it out? How can you act out the fantasy knowing full well that you may be okay, or it may end in tears and hurt feelings?

No, I’m not talking about a rape/force fantasy, although those commonly fall into the same category. For me specifically, I’m talking about a fantasy where I watch my partner with somebody else. My partner is technically my owner and master. We are in a BDSM relationship, and I have talked with many other subs that have the same fantasy. This particular thing seems to be confined to the fetish/BDSM end of the scale, although I’m sure others have it as well. Some of the subs have acted on it and been fine, others have broken down, and others have even found it to be completely boring.

My owner and I have discussed playing with other girls together, and plan to try it and see how it goes. I’m excited about this, I’ve thought about what toys I want to get to use on them (glass of course), and how often I was comfortable with it happening and so on. We’ve also agreed that until I am able to move to be with him we can have sex with other people. I haven’t yet, but he has. I’m not going to lie, some days I’m okay with it, while other days it can tear me apart. I’m just not a permanently open relationship/poly kind of girl. This has taught me that, but right now I can live with it. It’s only when my head turns dark that the other girls really bother me anyways.

Then the other night, I had a flicker of a different side of the coin. What if I was tied up and made to watch him with another girl? The thought didn’t hurt. Always before, it bothered me to think of him with others, but this time it didn’t. This time it intrigued me, and I pushed the thought further a smidgen at a time, waiting for it to hurt or upset me. Probably because I was involved, it was a fantasy, and it wasn’t real. Then it hit me… there will be times when we are playing with a girl, where he’s doing something with her and I am not, but I’d still be involved, still be okay, and a willing participant. What if I was tied and ignored? Or tied and taunted by him as he fucked this girl? As these thoughts flew by, I was excited and it wasn’t long before I started touching myself, relieving some of the pressure. This is not something I would have ever thought I’d enjoy, yet here I am.

This morning has me wondering though. What if we really did it, followed through and tried it, would I be okay? I honestly do not know. Based on past experiences and emotions, I’d say it’s fairly likely that I may break down. I could end up tied up and bawling halfway through. Or, I could stick it out and possibly get mad and resentful as it went on, or afterwards. Or, I could be perfectly fine and be soaked by the end of it, and ready to jump him.

I have a friend or two in therapy, and one thing I’ve learned from them is you always explore darker, more painful things when you’re safe and comfortable. Usually it means when they’re comfortable with their partners, they have nightmares about their past, or are okay talking to them about the horrible things that have happened to them. Well, my owner and I have done that. We’re comfortable; I’m comfortable. I feel safe and loved and wanted. Part of me wonders if this fantasy is popping up now because I feel safe enough to expose that side of me. Always before, people would talk about it, and I would reject the idea instantly because I didn’t want it, couldn’t handle it, and didn’t like it. More accurately, I didn’t feel safe with the idea. I’d have internalized the thought that he didn’t want me, and was happier and more excited to be with this other girl than me.

So why the change? I believe it’s because I know it would be exactly what the word fantasy implies. It’s not real. I know that he wouldn’t prefer the girl to me, or rather be with her. I would know that at the end of it, I would be the one going home with him. Intellectually I know these things, hell I know those things now, and still I get bothered by the girls sometimes. Actually witnessing it has the possibility to not be sexy, it could just end up doing me harm. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally it has the potential to hurt me if it turns out that I cannot handle it.

This really makes me wonder if I’m better off leaving this type of fantasy in my head without trying to act it out. I know I’d be safe and taken care of. If it turns out I couldn’t handle it, I know my owner wouldn’t continue with it, he likes to cause me pain in a BDSM sense, but not like that. It’s just not his thing. I know I wouldn’t be pushed beyond what I can handle, and I’d have a way out. I know that, but it makes me worry. I don’t want to act out this fantasy and have it damage us somehow, because I have trouble separating it and coming back to reality. After hard play sessions, I tend to have two responses, I either latch on to my owner, or I withdraw and process. I don’t want to withdraw and not be able to get back to normal. I don’t want this to break some part of me that I can’t fix. To be honest, if I’m this unsure of what will happen and how I’ll react, I’m not even sure my owner will permit this to happen. All of this thinking and digging in my head that I am doing could be totally unneeded if he declares it too risky. The point remains though, some fantasies aren’t meant to be played out. It’s figuring out which ones those are that’s the tricky part.