Better Cautious Than Raped
Posted by Phallicity
There have been several posts lately on the topic of rape. Most of the articles aim at getting the issue of rape out into the open as a way of educating the public. I have read more and more about how boys need to realize what they are doing and be taught that rape is wrong.
Personally, I find this somewhat ridiculous. Not rape, as I have very strong feelings against such an act, but the idea that you can “teach” such things.
By the time that boy is old enough to know how to use his penis, he normally either has a set of morals that prevent him from doing such things or his morals are so loose or ungrounded that he has no barriers preventing him from getting what he wants. Rape happens as a means to an end; because of a need, real or imagined. It happens because the rapists perspective is unburdened by morals contrasting to his actions, skewed by some false idea that she is getting what she wants(or deserves), or warped by drugs.
Some men get off on it. They want to hurt you. Whether it’s from misogyny, some deep-seated trauma from their mother, an ex-wife or girlfriend, whatever they are imagining. Hell, some men don’t imagine anything. They relish the feel of power they force on you. This is really the most extreme case, but it happens.
Some men are selfish and want what they want when they want, regardless. They don’t give a damn about you or how you feel. They may sweet talk you, guilt trip you, intoxicate you, or drug you. You don’t have to be conscious. It’s all the same to them. These men I find somehow worse than the above. They don’t consider what they do rape, or themselves committing any crime. By having a skewed sense of right and wrong and putting you in a state of mind where your judgment can be questioned, they free themselves of any guilt.
One of the most significant posts I’ve read refers to every man as a potential rapist. I refer to this post as the most significant because I find it the most relevant and useful idea on the topic of rape. It’s not about what women do that gets them raped. In fact, it is ultimately irrelevant. It doesn’t matter what you look like, what you are wearing, what color you are, if you are thin, if you are fat… It does not matter. Just as there are men who will find you attractive no matter what you look like, what you are wearing, there are men who will rape you.
Women get sexually harassed, pressured and raped in environments that should be considered safe. This happens at home, at work, at school. Implying that they are somehow to blame this behavior in any way is ridiculous.
For the men who get offended by the “every man is a potential rapist” concept, let’s rephrase it in a way in which you can relate. Most men can’t empathize with the idea, horror, and trauma caused by being raped, because it happens less frequently to our sex. Let us look at it this way.
You own a nice car. Imagine your dream car. Jaguar. Porsche. BMW. Whatever. Loaded. Leather interior with custom rims. It was left to you by your uncle who died in a tragic bathroom incident. I hear it was tragic. Dying it a bathroom would have to be, right?
Anyway. You have your dream car. Are you going to lock your doors just in bad neighborhoods? I bet you lock the door in your own damn yard. Then you start thinking that’s not enough. You want to protect something that is so valuable to you, so you invest in a security system. Now if someone you don’t want approaches your vehicle, a siren sounds and a voice says “Step away from my god damn car!” All this to protect a car, but we aren’t actually talking about a car. We’re talking about your sister or your daughter, or any other woman. It doesn’t matter about the circumstances involved. Rape is rape is rape and no always means no.
The idea that boys can be taught not to rape is flawed. I agree that if you are going to influence such behavior you must start at a young age. Morals are built young and rarely change after they are formed. It’s been my experience that such concepts are built not after words or lessons taught, but by example. By showing my sons how I care for my wife, my mother, their sister and how much respect I give them, I help to ingrain that sense of value. As any parent knows, the best laid plans often go awry. I can only give them the best example and advice I can… what they do with it is ultimately up to them.
The sad truth is that as long as there are men and women, there will be rape.
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I don’t think you need to turn rape into a car analogy. Instead, propose a scenario where a man is in prison, trapped, helpless, and someone’s bitch. He’s getting bent over, his ass invaded, no lube, searing pain, powerless. Violated. We’re all capable of feeling violated, it’s just that it happens more often to women. There’s more opportunities in our society to abuse women. I think we should promote empathy training in our culture. How can we really convey the “Do unto others…” message in a way that isn’t an empty cliche?
.-= The Beautiful Kind´s last blog ..You Are The Beautiful Kind: AlwaysArousedGirl =-.
Some people don’t have the ability to empathize with others. My analogy was more of trying to get other men realize the point of view behind ‘all men are potential rapists’ and not the actual act of being raped.
I think we should stop letting society dictate how things are perceived. I run into the ‘empathy’ issue all the time at my workplace, dealing with people who are totally inconsiderate to my customers, their coworkers, or the shift coming in afterward.
Any empathy ‘training’ should be handled at home. There are some things that I do not agree with any government organization teaching my kids.
.-= Phallicity´s last blog ..On our way! =-.
I think it would help if the punishment for rape fit the crime. You can’t imagine what a rapist takes from a woman. Her freedom, her independence, her sense of security, her ability to function in a proper relationship. Any woman brave enough to see her rapist in court gets an equally terrible treatment from the American judicial system. The trauma of having a rape kit done, having to recount the events over and over and over again to numerous police officers, detectives and therapists. The trauma of having to get on the stand in a court room and recount the horror of it all again to a Judge and then listen to the Rapist’s lawyer say anything, anything at all to prove his client’s innocence. Even attempt to convince everyone…the Judge, even your own family, that you’re actually a prostitute and that it was not rape but instead a deal gone bad. Rapists get barely a handful of years in prison, maybe serve 2 of them. Good behavior and all. Rapists get a slap on the wrist in comparison to the damage they cause.
My feelings on rape are pretty strong. The old punishment use to be castration. I still think that is fair.
.-= Phallicity´s last blog ..On our way! =-.
The fact is that every PERSON regardless of gender is a potential rapist. My husband was raped by a woman who used a gang to bolster her confidence and provide protection for her should he become violent. It was at work even! Most men won’t rape and don’t see anything fun about the fear in a woman…or other man’s eyes but no where is safe and more importantly no ONE is safe.
I know that rape happens to men (by women and other men as well), too. Just because it happens… much less frequently… doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be ignored. However, most rape is committed against women, by men (though I understand women rape women as well).
Maybe, I should have put a disclaimer on my blog that explains all of that and that I acknowledge all of the possibilities of rape but for this instance I’m strictly referring to women being raped?
Sorry but I find all that talking in circles a bit ridiculous. Take it for what it is and not what it isn’t and you won’t be offended in the first place.
Thanks.
.-= Phallicity´s last blog ..How it lingers… =-.
I have read more and more about how boys need to realize what they are doing and be taught that rape is wrong.
Personally, I find this somewhat ridiculous. Not rape, as I have very strong feelings against such an act, but the idea that you can “teach” such things.
I have to disagree with you here. Violent rapes? The kind where the man jumps out of the bushes and rapes someone? I agree with you. But the fact of the matter is, most rapes aren’t committed that way. Most are date rapes, and they’re not violent, and they’re not what we typically think of as rape.
You CAN teach a man that it’s not okay to get a girl drunk to try and sleep with her. You CAN teach a man that a push of the hand away doesn’t mean “try harder,” it means, “No.” You can teach a man that begging or guilting or pressuring a woman into sex is wrong. Because all of those things lead to women feeling resigned to give in when they don’t want to, feeling forced, or feeling backed into a corner.
Those are things you CAN teach men. This post reads like, “Men can’t be taught not to rape, rape will always exist, I know it sucks, but women protect yourself.” And that’s victim-blaming rhetoric if I’ve ever heard it, though I know that wasn’t your intention.
Très instructif, merci pour votre article
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