We’ve been at this for the better part of seven years, and almost every year it’s had a different face. Before we decided to try on the couple face, I even had M convinced for a short while to just be my no-strings-attached fuck buddy! Our dynamic has resembled Gorean philosophy, traditional BDSM, some whacked out form of domestic discipline. We’ve been to hell and back trying to get this thing we do right. For us.
Seven years is a really long time in this day and age, what with AD(H)D on the rise and the “Me” generation. It makes even one like me, who’s still working on getting it right, feel like an expert. And I start losing sight of what newbies need to hear because I feel like I’ve said it a hundred times.
So what do newbies need to hear?
The most important piece of advice I could ever give you – someone new to BDSM, or master/slave relationships, or any type of relationship, for that matter – is:
1. None of this is written in stone. Do what’s right for you.
I cannot stress this enough.
The moment you notice the greener grass over the fence, and start trying to emulate their yard work routine, your yard will start to wilt. I mean, maybe not! It’s possible that your yard and their yard are made of the same sod. Maybe they do need the same things. But in the grand scheme of things? This is rarely the case. Trying to completely emulate someone else’s dynamic in your relationship may very well kill your relationship.
That doesn’t mean don’t try new things, or change your dynamic, or anything like that. By all means, if you see something you like, incorporate it. But if it doesn’t work out, don’t beat yourself up over it, or try to shoehorn it in. You’re better off doing away with it, or trying it again later, or just playing with it from time to time. And there’s nothing wrong with that. So don’t let anyone tell you there is.
2. Never let anyone not directly involved in your relationship (i.e. your partner or partners) make you believe that you’re doing it wrong.
It may very well be “wrong” for them, whatever “it” is. It might be something they couldn’t possibly enjoy, or an act they don’t have the ability to perform, or something that screws with their psyche. But if it works for you, it works for you. It doesn’t matter that it doesn’t work for them. It doesn’t make your relationship any better or worse than theirs. They’re just different. Different is good.
3. Do not follow, or try to emulate, everything you read online.
I see you nodding your heads. I hear the “Well, duh, Rayne.” comments. I know you think you know this. But even as you’re nodding your heads, you’re itching for my next piece of advice, aren’t you?
I’m no expert. Hell, we’ve been at this seven years and we still haven’t gotten it right. I can tell you, for the most part, what’s right for us. I can tell you how we do it. I can tell you what makes me tick and what makes M tick and what brings us together. But I can’t tell you how it’s going to work for you.
Let me say that again. I cannot tell you how it’s going to work for you.
While I can honestly say that, to date, the internet has been the best source of information I’ve found on the subject, second only to personal experience, it is definitely not the be all, end all. And it’s flawed. Because everywhere you go, you’re going to come across one chest-thumping cock comparison or another (from both males and females), and all merit of the discussion at hand gets lost somewhere in the immaturity and snark.
4. Research, research, research.
Google what you think you’d like to try. Read Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, or SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, or Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, or The Loving Dominant (Eden doesn’t seem to carry those last two. I should put them on the “What should we carry?” thread, huh?). Talk to people who are living it in the real world. Go to munches and events and workshops. And really see what’s going on.
But make sure you…
5. Build your own bullshit meter.
In other words, learn to take other people’s opinions and dynamics (even – or maybe especially – mine!) with a grain of salt. Keep your dynamic fluid, because you’re definitely going to find things down the line you want to add or take away. But be sure you keep your waders on when you’re delving through the vast array of information. The shit gets pretty deep in some places.
6. Dream big, but start small.
You can always add new rules or rituals or fetishes as you learn more about yourself and your partner. But sometimes it can be difficult to repair hurt feelings or misunderstandings. Slow and steady wins the race, even in BDSM. As frustrating as it can be at times, trust that you will be rewarded for your careful increase in intensity.
7. Don’t sweat the small shit. -and-
8. It’s all small.
Go easy on yourself and your partner(s). Everything in life takes time and practice. Everything worth having has a price. The price of a good relationship is occasional bumps in the road. They are not the end of the world. I promise.
9. Don’t commit to anything you’re unsure of or make promises you can’t keep.
You’re not doing anyone – least of all, yourself – any good if you do. There is no happy ending down the road. There are only misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
10. Communicate openly and honestly. All the time.
That means standing up for yourself respectfully when you’ve been wronged. Expressing your thoughts, feelings and opinions regardless of the possible repercussions. Asking for, and using, a safe word if you feel the need. Discussing your boundaries and whether or not you’re comfortable with them being pushed.
Do this every day! Every minute of every day! I mean, you don’t have to start at the beginning every time. Just a simple “Ya know, I’m not sure I like this thing you do (insert random action here) anymore.” will suffice. Communication is the single most important part of a healthy relationship, from where I sit.
11. Know yourself and your partner(s).
Know your limits and fears. Your expectations. Your hopes and dreams. Learn anything and everything there is to know about yourself and the people you’ve chosen to spend your life with.
12. Don’t be afraid to push your boundaries.
But remember to go slow. Start small. And don’t be afraid to speak up when you’ve pushed as far as you can. You haven’t failed. Look how far you’ve come! And maybe next time, you’ll be able to push farther because you already know you can make it this far. That’s accomplishment, not failure.
13. Admit fault when necessary and accept repercussions for your actions with grace.
Nobody likes a know-it-all. It’s even less attractive in your partner when your feelings are hurt. If you’re wrong, admit you’re wrong. Apologize. And if there’s punishment (or even an inadvertant reaction) involved, take your lumps with grace. It’s the easiest way to get over the aforementioned bumps in the road.
I’m not suggesting you accept fault when you’re not in the wrong. But seriously? Be honest with yourself about it. If you fucked up, say so. Your partner will respect you all the more for it. Honest.
14. Work on yourself. No one else can change you.
I mean, sure. If you enter into a strict dynamic that requires training, you’re going to be molded to some extent. But even that can’t have an effect without your cooperation, in most cases. You have to make a conscious effort to change yourself.
And finally…
15. Always remember to breathe.
Nobody’s perfect. Life happens whether you’re vanilla or kinky. Take it in stride. Concentrate on the solution, not the problem. And just breathe.
Yanno, this could very well apply to most couples, not just BDSM. Nice!
laurel´s last blog ..Erotic Fiction ~ The Birthday Present
Yeah… it could, couldn’t it. Thanks.
Rayne´s last blog ..Sadistic Tendencies? When? How?
All great advice.
Kayla´s last blog ..Sweet Stimulator and Doc Johnson Bondage Rope
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by SexisM, EdenFantasys.com and Mike, Julie Ann MacDowell. Julie Ann MacDowell said: RT @SexisMagazine: BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies http://bit.ly/8FRDqy [...]
Pretty awesome. I say that most BDSM’ers could benefit from #1.
JonsBabydoll´s last blog ..Soul’s Kinky 100
Yeah, absolutely!
Rayne´s last blog ..Sadistic Tendencies? When? How?
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies [...]
I really appreciated this post. As a newbie who sometimes wonders if I am, indeed, doing it wrong, it was comforting to hear that I’m not.
Juliette´s last blog ..More About What I Want
Glad I could be of help.
As long as you’re headed down finding what works for you, you are most definitely NOT doing it wrong.
Rayne´s last blog ..But… but… I can’t sleep. ~pout~
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wifeÔøΩ Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wifeÔøΩ Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wifeÖ Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies Greedy For The Verse Hang Ups and Hand Jobs Ivy Madden If she had just been a better wife… Insomnia Swinging The Sexiness Beneath Weightlessness [...]
[...] short answer is “Small.” as I mentioned in an earlier post. The long answer? Well, it contains so many possibilities. To be honest, I [...]