I’m a “no limits slave”. There. I said it. Bring on the barrage of flaming and snark.
There’s no such thing as a “no limits” slave, Rayne. Everyone has limits.
You’re right. Everyone has limits. Everyone has lines they’d rather not cross. Things that completely squick them out or totally mess with their psyche or… something. And I’m no different. Which is why this debate always ends up with everyone leaving in a huff, thinking everyone on the other side is a complete idiot, and having no idea whatsoever what points were made or if they even made sense.
But let’s back up a bit, shall we?
The day I expressed my interest in submission to M, he handed me a BDSM checklist he’d printed out ages ago when he began his journey into domination. I think I looked at him like he’d sprouted a third head. What the hell was I supposed to do with this thing? What purpose did it serve? And why the hell did he just happen to have one on hand when I finally admitted I wanted to be owned? O.o
So he began to explain limits as they are viewed in the BDSM community.
What do you mean, “limits as they are viewed in the BDSM community”? A limit’s a limit, right?
You’d think so, huh? Except within the BDSM community, we break limits down into two categories. Why? Cause we’re effing elite like that, okay? Deal.
What? Oh… sorry. I’m on an upswing, cut me some slack.
We’ll start with “hard limits”. Hard limits are things you absolutely will not do, no way, no how. Even if the world were about to end, and the only way to save it were to commit this heinous act, you still would not do it. Okay, maybe not quite that hard. But in some cases, they are that hard.
When discussing hard limits, the things that are known as “the usual” are scat and/or vomit, pedophilia, dismemberment, death… I know. You’re looking at me through your monitor going, “Why would you even consider any of that?” And you know I wouldn’t. And most other sane people (Shut up, I am, too, sane. Mostly.) wouldn’t, either. But occasionally, as with all walks in life, you run into someone involved in BDSM who is a special kind of crazy, or just severely anal about saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and they’ll say something to the effect of, “If you didn’t specify, it’s all fair game.” ~blink~
Try to avoid those people. Or at least learn to be excruciatingly specific if you involve yourself with one.
A hard limit can be anything under the sun, though. Something you don’t like, or are not comfortable with. Something that brings up bad memories, or just plain makes you feel bad about yourself or your partner. Ive heard of anal and oral sex being hard limits. Tickling. Over-the-knee spankings.
One of my hard limits, besides the usual suspects, used to be paddles. Another was golden showers. Spitting. Oh god, is spitting disgusting.
Some would argue that means those were actually soft limits. Soft limits, as you might have guessed, are limits you most likely wouldn’t mind having pushed. Things that you’ve already tried, and aren’t particularly fond of, but don’t completely hate either. Or things you’ve never tried, and aren’t sure you’d like to, but you’re pretty sure you won’t freak out if someone decides to give it a shot. Or things you’ve never tried and are nervous about.
Just like hard limits, soft limits can be anything under the sun. But when you label something a soft limit, remember that you’re saying, “It won’t be a big deal if you push this.”
So, I filled out this checklist. And let me tell you, I had a million and one limits way back then. I listed every single thing I hadn’t tried (and there was a lot, believe it or not), and a few things I had, as a soft limit. I think I made age play a hard limit because, at the time, I didn’t know what it was and thought it was tantamount to pedophilia. Things like abrasion play and play piercing probably went under that category as well.
But somewhere down the line, when I decided I didn’t want to be merely M’s submissive, that I wanted him to own all of me, I thought it was kind of hypocritical (for me, in my mind, in my own relationship, not necessarily for anyone else in a master/slave relationship) for me to hold onto all these limits. I mean, here I was, telling this man, “I am your property. Do with me as you will. Except… you can’t do this, this, this, this, that right there, this, oh and this thing, and that thing and…” Right… sorry.
I’ve still got tons of things I’d rather not do. Things I would totally be happy with never ever experiencing. But I don’t feel like it’s fair for me to refuse my owner the right to do what he wishes with his property. So my limits went the way of my safe word. Or did they?
I told M that he could control my limits. That I no longer wanted control over what he could or couldn’t do to me. I asked him to give me his worst, and his best, and to burn the yardstick I’d created to measure that by. So now I’m a “no limits” slave. I’ve given this man permission to do what ever he wants to me and with me.
What am I, crazy? Now, if he is super anal about saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and takes me up on my offer, he’s well within his right! Have I lost my mind?
But M has limits. M has a whole laundry list of limits. M’s got limits most people just scoff at. Like period sex (Thank god! I think period sex is grody.) or anal play when I’m having a “bad butt day” (No, you don’t want to know what that means.) or being in the room when I’m giving and/or expelling an enema or being in the bathroom with me at all except occasionally when I’m peeing.
Killing me would leave him slave-less. Dismembering me would render me useless. Pedophilia would put him in bitch position. And he’d end up covered in vomit, as well, if he gave the other a shot.
I jest, but in all seriousness, I am comfortable with being a “no limits slave” because I know my owner. I know that, beyond suddenly going insane – which could happen to anyone at any time, he’s not going to do me any permanent damage. He has limits. So it’s okay for me to let go of mine.
But does that negate my claim of being a “no limits slave”? Therein lies the debate. What say you?
I say you’re nuts…no wait, umm nevermind. No, really I love what you had to say. You are a no limits slave. See, what you have done is said “no limits,” but M still has his. So see, it isn’t you that has limits. I love your statement that what you relationship with M is may not fit what other M/s relationships.
Nice article Rayne.
Alley´s last blog ..And the winner is…
Lol Thanks, Alley. I’m a firm believer in “Just cause it works for me, doesn’t mean it’s going to work for someone else.”
Rayne´s last blog ..Pleasurists #63
I love the people who get this concept. People are always arguing that everyone has limits. I find myself getting in this conversation quite often with people actually… Next time I am just directing them here and leaving the future headache I would get behind.
jonsbabydoll´s last blog ..After a hard day’s work…
Lol Thanks, jonsbabydoll. It’s nice knowing someone else who understands this concept.
Rayne´s last blog ..M’s Eureka Moment and Verbal Commands
I understand what you mean completely. My little girl is a “no-limits” submissive, not a slave, however. She was never my slave. But she is my submissive, and she is also no-limits. Any limit she’s had, I’ve pushed. Any bar she may have wanted to stay there, I lifted. So yes, of course it’s possibly that you are a no-limits slave. Not to everyone, however – you are only no-limits to your M, as he is the one you trust. That’s why, I believe, people do have such limits, because there is still a trust barrier that is keeping the partners from giving up complete control.
Eh… Well… I am a no limits slave to him, but also to those he allows that kind of control over me. So far, though, it’s only been him.
Rayne´s last blog ..On Dominants “Caving” and We’re Saved! Sort Of.
Even being no limits to someone who he allows is being no limits, ultimately, to him, no?
Sir´s last blog ..Better Than Chocolate by Nomi Tang
Haha yeah I guess you’re right.
Rayne´s last blog ..On Dominants “Caving” and We’re Saved! Sort Of.
Even as an “owned” slave it is still encumbent on the Master/Mistress to take good care of their property. When you own someone completely you are responsible for their mental, emotional and physical health so knowing the extent of their limits is not a bad or hypocritical thing, at least in my book. It amounts to good pet ownership. It is an imperative in my house that any slave knows that they will not be abused…they will be used, possibly humilliated, their limits will be stretched and pushed but the trust between master/Mistress and slave/submissive will not be broken. This is what allows a “no limit” slave to remain safe and sane.
Your M sounds like a great Dom and worthy of the ultimate trust you are a lucky little slave!
~Airen
He is amazing. I am ridiculously lucky. Thank you
Rayne´s last blog ..On Dominants “Caving” and We’re Saved! Sort Of.
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You’re just fortunate to have the right Master. It would take me a long time to trust one enough to have no limits.
Well, M and I have been together a little over seven years. But you’re right. I’m ridiculously lucky. Thank you.
Rayne´s last blog ..On Dominants “Caving” and We’re Saved! Sort Of.
[...] A No Limits Slave? [...]
[...] A No Limits Slave? [...]
I like this article a lot. It’s certainly interesting to think about.
My partner and I are still very much on the side of ‘occasional’ bdsm play – something I’d like to become more frequent, but we’ll see how that plays out.
I do see your point, and I think with the right Dom it’s definately possible to have such a relationship, though arguably one possibly shouldn’t be with a Dom who can’t read you right anyway? Hmm, thats one to ponder another day!
Either way, we’ve never explicitly stated limits. I don’t know if that’s because they’re taken as given or because he can read me well enough that it hasn’t had to come up. Same for safewords/signals – though as we progress into more developed play that *may* change…
LF x
LivingFire´s last blog ..Sex on the High Street?
Eh, I guess to some extent that’s true. Your partner should eventually learn how to read you. And in most cases, that just naturally happens. It’s sort of difficult not to when you spend so much time with a person.
But I probably wouldn’t freak out if they can’t read you right away. That takes getting to know someone. And that can take time.
Rayne´s last blog ..e[lust] #8
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[...] question, one must first know what a “hard limit” is. I covered this before in my post “A No Limits Slave?”, but for those of you who weren’t reading then, or have forgotten, or don’t have time [...]