I? Am a big ol’ hypocrite. And I’d be willing to bet money I don’t have to lose that most of you are too, at least to an extent. Now that I’ve pointed out the obvious here, I’d also like to point out how much it used to make me pissy but now makes me laugh when I see somebody post in their dislikes or wherever how much they hate hypocrites. Because I have yet to meet a single person that isn’t at least somewhat hypocritical; myself included.

Realizing just how hypocritical others were never really took that long, but figuring out just how hypocritical I was being from day to day took me a long time, and is something that really only set in towards the end of 2011 or so. A lot of my personal hypocrisies boil down to judging things and people wrongly, which is somewhat ironic considering how bent out of shape I sometimes get when people judge me based on my appearance. Yet day after day, month after month, year after year, I kept finding stuff to judge other people on that I would be upset hearing somebody say about me. And towards the end of last year, I realized how much of an ass I was for it. Granted I do keep most of my observations to myself, but that doesn’t make them any less “thought” and gone through my head.

I think one of the big ones is appearance. It sounds silly and obvious at first, but there are all the different types of appearances. A huge one is “dressing sluttily.” This is something that I never really did, but that’s because I never really felt comfortable showing that much skin. On the one hand, I stand proud and fight for a woman’s (or a man’s) right to wear whatever the hell makes them feel awesome, or comfortable, or sexy. But then I see a young woman walking down the street in a mini skirt and make some comment to myself about how she’s dressed rather skankily, even though I know nothing about her or why she’s dressed that way. When other people make that comment, I’m armed to the teeth with devil’s advocate possibilities. Yet when it’s myself making the comments, I find it’s a lot harder to come up with other possibilities. If for some reason I have to physically interact with this person, I’m still pleasant and smile, but in the back of my head I’m thinking judging things that I realistically have no right to be thinking. A prime example of this one was when my good friend and I were at the grocery store, and as we were walking out we were passed by a teenager and her boyfriend. If I can remember correctly, she was wearing baggy sweat pants (something I’m often guilty of), a tank top that exposed her midriff (something I’m often guilty of), and a sweatshirt that wasn’t zipped and showed it off (again, guilty). I did a double take and apparently shot a not so nice look in that direction. I swear I meant it more as a “listen, I know it’s about 34 degrees outside, so you’re fucking crazy because you should be covered up more so you stay warm”, but I can guarantee that’s not how it came across. And that girl, had she seen it, would have probably had the same reaction that I would have if I had seen somebody give me that same look for wearing that same outfit.

Despite my many tattoos and piercings, I also sometimes judge those who are also heavily decorated. And the best part? I do it while also proudly displaying just how many fucks I do not give to those who are giving me the same look I just cast in someone else’s direction. This one more comes down to body language as well, and what the body language of said decorated person is telling me. I may think your purple mohawk and lip ring are super cool, but when you duck inside your hood and avoid making eye contact, I’m much more likely to think you’re up to no good. But that’s another rant for another day.

Ah and yes, I can’t forget “judging people for something they have no control over.” I believe my sister summed this up best with “no you’re such a fucking hypocrite. You’re all ‘no that person has a bitch face, you can’t talk to them because they must be a bitch because they have a bitch face.’” Honestly, that was another one that stopped me in my tracks and made me realize just how bad I was starting to become. Yes, I’ve looked at pictures of my sister’s friends or my brother’s friends or friends of my friends and mentally decided that they were probably not up to any good, or probably not somebody I’d get along with, and that is wrong. I’ve done that with other people too. And I’m sure people have done it with me.

Part of me knows that spreading gossip is wrong. Speculating about something I don’t have all the facts of is wrong, because I’m not taking the time to get that person’s side of the story and find out what really happened. Talking about the goings on of people’s private lives is wrong, everybody deserves their privacy (unless they’re putting it all out on the internet in public [lacking privacy settings and the like] which is again, another rant for another day). But there I stand in the checkout aisle of the grocery store reading about what the Kardashians are up to, or what Brad and Angie are fighting about, or why Katy Perry and Russel Brand are divorcing. Ok, celebrities are one thing, but what about people you’re acquaintances with? Well you don’t really spend any time with them, so what’s the harm in a little gossip? Or your close friends? Well come on, I think I know what that bitch was up to, so hell yes I’m going to chatter about it! (Ok, that part was mostly sarcasm). What about your family? I know I’ve gossiped about my family to my family, and you know what? I’m a giant ass for it. Seriously. But even knowing that I’m a giant hypocritical ass doesn’t stop me from sitting down with various members of my family asking each other when so and so put on so much weight, when so and so just stopped eating, what “bad and horrible” things so and so is up to, and then later on wondering how many of them were saying the same thing about me.

The above examples are specific to me and my thoughts and reactions to them, but the underlying message is still the same. Most of us are guilty of judging people when we shouldn’t, and we’re guilty of getting very upset when people judge us the same way we judge them. I think this might be one of those “signs you’re getting old” kind of things. I know I’m not old, and I’m not saying people who are older than me are old, but I am saying that starting to realize that you’re kind of a shitty person sometimes, at least on some level, I think is a sign of aging and maturity. I am now mature enough to realize that I am a flaming douche nozzle sometimes. Before you keep judging me and my douchitude though, keep in mind other things I’ve done that might change your mind right back. Things like the adopt-a-family program. In 2010, when Edenfantasys sponsored me, I picked up a second family because I could. In 2011, I still sponsored two families because I could. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, I just signed up, went shopping, wrapped the presents, and dropped them off on their date. I go out of my way to help out my friends, and a lot of people seem to look up to me. Life is very much various shades of gray that in the end, balances most people out into the “generally good” category.

I thought for a while about sending this in anonymously. After all, most people labeled as “hypocrites” in our society these days end up being looked down upon, and I’ll be the first to admit that as much as I may put up a front otherwise, I do care a bit about what people think of me. But then I thought about it a little more and realized that sending this in anonymously would just add one more level to my hypocrisy. On the one hand it wouldn’t matter much, because you wouldn’t know it was me. On the other hand, if I’m starting to beat myself up over all the other hypocritical behaviors I exhibit, this just adds another level that, while I would probably get over eventually, would still bother me for a bit. So I come to you, calling myself out, and hoping to maybe get a few other brave souls to stand up and admit with me that they’re a big ol’ hypocrite. I don’t blame you if you’d rather keep quiet and just nod along furiously agreeing with the core message of what I wrote. If I hadn’t wrote it, I probably would be too.