When someone says Orgy, what do you think? I often think of the “Orgy Guy” as defined by Seinfeld, on an episode called “The Switch”. In that episode, Jerry is bemoaning the fact that his girlfriend is into the idea of a threesome, and exclaims that he’s not ready to be an “orgy guy”, that he would need all kinds of robes and lotions, thick carpeting and weirdo lighting.

This is particularly funny, when you think about it, because really – is a threesome an orgy?

Some would say yes, of course, but I think I would say no. An orgy, to me, implies something along the lines of an undulating mass of bodies, all intertwined in some sort of insanely complex, multi-person carnal embrace. A threesome? Dude, so not an orgy. Three is still a very intimate and personal gathering. Three is MAYBE an orgy-lite but no, I don’t think it’s an orgy.

So what’s the magic number? Four? Eh…again, I don’t think so. Considering that four can easily turn into combo pairs of two, I’d hesitate to call it an orgy. An orgy really implies, again, a giant carnal mass of bodies. In fact, I’d imagine that in larger gatherings of people having sex, even numbers might often cause what COULD be an orgy to simply be public partnered sex.

It’s complicated, you know, but in my world, I like things defined nice and simply. As such, I decree an orgy is an affair that involves odd numbers of five or more.

But hang on then – what of gender rations? If you have three men and a woman, is that an orgy, or simply a gang bang? What if you double everything – six men and two women. That SOUNDS like an orgy, but what if it splits into two gang bangs? What then? To me, arbitrarily, you need a gender ratio around 50/50 – plus or minus, oh, twenty percent in either direction. That sounds about right.

Want another wrench to throw into the mix? What of sexual orientations? My three-man-one-woman gang bang mentioned above can easily be an orgy if the men intermingle…but is most certainly a gang bang if they insist on playing it straight (aside: boo on them, where’s the fun in that?). And what if they pair off because of matching sexual orientations? Like, what if two of the guys are happily bisexual but one is decidedly straight. We’re back to square one – partnered, public sex. So maybe instead of requiring it to be a 50/50 (+/- 20%) gender ratio, I should call it a 50% favorable sexual orientation ratio? Wait…what the hell does that even mean?

Aw crap, I don’t even know what I’m talking about any more. So much for careful definitions.

Orgy. What does it mean to you?