You won’t find Consensual Nonconsent in any dictionary, Urban or otherwise, but it’s an important concept to those involved in the BDSM lifestyle. It’s especially important to me, because my greatest desire is a well thought out rape play – and my greatest fear is losing my power as a feminist woman.

Consensual Nonconsent is a complicated term. It’s the giving up of power, freely, consensually, but with the guise of it being taken away. It’s being ‘forced’ to perform a sexual act when really, you negotiated an agreement ten minutes earlier. It’s being able to feel like a damsel in distress in a dark alley when you’re really being loved by a dear partner.

Consensual Nonconsent is also an inclusive term, a way of talking about these things without them being “rape fantasies”. Some of you may call it PC, but I’ve had moments of talking about my rape fantasies where I realized from too many people who’ve been through this horrible trauma, that no one can ever truly fantasize about rape. It means something different to those who’ve experienced that, and I think it’s important to support survivors by using inclusive language that better represents what we’re talking about. Hence, Consensual Nonconsent.

Even though this is probably one of the most talked about sexual fantasies, it is also one of the most difficult and dangerous to pull off. Consensual-nonconsensual activities carry just as much physical risk as many other activities, but both the emotional and legal toll can skyrocket. Emotionally, it can be difficult to give up so much power to another person. For this reason, negotiation and open communication are absolutely necessary. Boundaries must be set before hand, and all participating parties must go into the negotiation with the feeling that they are acting of their own accord and not out of pressure from another person. Safewords are also important in case feelings change in the middle of a scene.

Legally, Consensual Nonconsent rides a grey line. Technically, no one can consent to being physically assaulted, for example. However, the realistic risk changes depending on your actions, location, and how many people are involved. With one partner in the comfort of your own home, you’re unlikely to have much risk. However, keep in mind as to whether your neighbors might hear or see you – you may find the police at your door suspecting you of domestic violence against your partner. If your desire is for a consensual-nonconsensual scene in public, consent becomes a huge issue. Remember that all members of a scene must consent and that includes all innocent bystanders. A friend told a story at a workshop I attended once; they had staged a kidnapping at a local restaurant, but forgot to consider the horrified bystanders who called the police as they watched three masked men carry a woman out of the restaurant. It didn’t really matter that each member of the ‘kidnapping’ party had a signed consent letter in their pocket; there were thirty odd people who had not consented to the emotional trauma of seeing a kidnapping happen over dinner.

It can take a lot of work to set up such a scene, but remember – you can’t have Consensual Nonconsent without Consent. It appears twice, for heaven’s sake. If you can make sure that everyone involved, or possibly involved, in the scene knows what is going on and has consented to their role, you too can play out some of your greatest fantasies.