Compersion. My word processor doesn’t even recognize it as a word…. Yet, according to Wikipedia, “compersion” is defined as:

“…a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

The word was first coined back in 1990 by a polyfidelitous group known as the Kerista Commune, and has since spread far and wide throughout poly and other nonmonogamous communities around the world.

In many ways, compersion is the opposite of jealousy, so you are most likely to hear the word within circles of polyamorous partners and groups, or those in other types of open or consentually non-monogamous relationships. You don’t have to be nonmonogamous to feel compersion, however, based on the above definition. If you have ever felt happy about an ex finding new love, you have experienced compersion (or, alternatively, are feeling “compersive”).

Of course, in many circles, compersion also carries with it a connotation of sexual bliss – feeling turned on by your partner’s joy and experiences. In this situation it may be referred to as “erotic compersion” and it can be very similar to the feelings of NRE (New Relationship Energy, a whole other topic on its own!). In this context, the slang “frubbly” or “frubbles” might be used, especially in casual conversation in places like the US and UK.  Eg. “Thinking about him out with his new girlfriend has got me feeling all frubbly!” or “Her relationship with her new lover has me filled with frubbles!” and suggests a chipper, happy, bubbly, excited sensation.

Has the feeling of compersion every gotten you frubbly? Does being compersive fill you with frubbles of joy? Okay, so maybe you’ve never felt anything like any of these words before. So, what’s the big deal?

Let’s assume that, at the very least, you have had the opportunity to feel jealousy at least once before in your life. Do you remember how hot and bothered you were? Maybe not in a good way, I’ll give you that, but surely you got a bit red in the face or hot around the collar…. What if, in the middle of all that heat, you were able to find a core of erotic passion? What if, instead of feeling angry and betrayed, you were able to blow off all that steam by relishing in all the new sexual energy available to you and your lover through this new relationship?

What if you were able to, from that place of passion, let your insecurities fall away, your trust in your partner prevail, and instead of losing yourself in anger, find yourself in love? By valuing happiness and love above anger and fear, non-monogamous lovers (and heck, even those who happen to be monogamous but like to get out and flirt a little) can relish in each others happiness, rather than trying to drag each other down into a murky abyss of possession, exclusion, competition, ego and fear.

Even some of the most experienced non-monogamous lovers feel jealousy from time to time. Compersion isn’t about ignoring those feelings, but rather harnessing the love and passion behind them, and turning them into something that gives us that chance to share the power of our experiences, rather than allowing insecurity to take our power away.

So, the next time you are feeling jealous, think about the reasons behind that sensation. Try to challenge your fears and insecurities, and find in yourself the place that lets go of control over your partner, and instead basks in the beauty of shared love and romance! Why not feel all the love you can? Go and get your compersion on!