Over the holidays, Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller had a very publicized domestic incident, which, based on the definition we’ve already established, could clearly be categorized as domestic violence. Yet, just a few days after the incident, it was reported that Brooke Mueller had requested that the order of protection be dropped against Sheen, and that they were going to try and work things out. People were shocked, and many just shook their heads. “I don’t know why she doesn’t just leave!” “It serves her right, if she won’t leave, then she deserves whatever he does to her.” But if it was as easy as “just leaving,” don’t you think that’s what every battered person would do? Don’t you think they would have left a long time ago? The truth is that it’s not as easy as “just leaving,” and that there are a number of forces at work to keep battered individuals in abusive relationships.
Most abusive relationships follow a cycle, a pattern of behaviors. At the beginning of a relationship, the transition from one phase of the cycle to the other is slow. It may take months, or even years for it to move into the next phase. However, over time, the transition between phases becomes more rapid. As the abuser’s power and control becomes more secure and more established, the cycle picks up pace. Some relationships will see all three phases in the cycle in a single day; others will always see months or years between phases. On average, though, both the rate and intensity of the phases increases over time.
There are three stages in the cycle: the honeymoon stage, the tension building stage, and the acute explosion stage. Let’s start with the honeymoon stage, because this is where the relationship starts. Everything is fantastic. In fact, it’s better than fantastic. The abuser seems too good to be true. They come on like a whirlwind, and everything is really intense and really fast moving. You’re much more serious much more quickly than expected, but this person must be “the one.” It’s just too perfect for them to be anything else.
From the honeymoon stage, it moves to the tension building stage. What are the abusers actions in this stage? They will be overly sensitive and over react to every little thing, nitpick at their partner over everything, yell. They withhold affection, both physically and verbally. They may put their partner down or threaten them, and utilize “crazy making behavior.” The abuser may destroy property or constantly accuse their partner of being unfaithful. They may increase their isolation tactics and engage their partner to argue, almost egging them on.
And while the abuser is doing all of those things, the victim is attempting to calm their abuser down or reason with them. They may try to satisfy them with food, or other things that they know they like. They may agree with whatever their abuser says, just to avoid escalating the situation. They may avoid their abuser as much as possible or withdraw from them by not speaking up or saying anything, in fear of setting them off. They may become compliant with any and all demands, and attempt to nurture their batterer.
From the tension building stage, the cycle moves to the acute explosion stage. This is where the physical violence occurs, if there is any. However, this stage can also contain explosive and torturous verbal assaults and other forms of intense and frightening abuse as well. In this stage, the batterer verbally abuses and humiliates their partner, slaps, punches, kicks, grabs, or chokes. They may force sex on them, prevent them from calling the police or leaving by physically restraining them. They may harass and abuse the children. An abuser may restrain, spit, stalk, use or threaten with weapons, or throw objects.
And while the abuser is doing all of this, how is the victim reacting? They are protecting themselves in any way that they can. They may beg and plead with, or attempt to reason with and calm down their abuser. They may call the police. They may fight back.
Once the batterer has frightened and tormented their partner, they need to give them a reason to stay with them. And this is where they return to that beginning phase—they honeymoon phase. In this phase, the abuser becomes that amazing and perfect partner that the victim knew at the beginning of the relationship. They apologize and promises that it will never happen again. They try to justify their behavior (“I’ve just been really stressed with work;” “I’m in a really bad place right now”) or blame it on drugs or alcohol (substances DO NOT cause abuse. Even if someone says, “Well, he only hits me when he’s drunk,” chances are that when he’s not drunk, even if there is no physical violence, he’s using many of the other tactics on the power and control wheel). An abuser may profess their love for their partner and want to make love and be intimate. They may buy gifts, promise to get help or go to counseling, or promise to go to church or other religious institution. The abuser may enlist family support in convincing the victim to stay, or they may cry or threaten suicide if their partner leaves.
And so, the victim makes their batterer appointments with a counselor, drops any legal proceedings filed against the batterer, and promises to stay, return, or take them back. The victim forgives the batterer for their behavior and is happy and relieved that they are being nice and is hopeful for them to change in the future. The honeymoon stage is the one that keeps people in the relationships. These are the “good times” that they refer to. This is the stage that the relationship is in at the beginning, and it is the one that lasts less and less time as the relationship goes on. From this stage, it moves back into the tension building stage, and the cycle repeats.
There are countless other reasons that people stay. The three that I hear the most often are fear, financial, and immigration. And, especially that first one, is a legitimate fear. The two most dangerous times for a woman in an abusive relationship are when she leaves and when she is pregnant. That is when lethality is highest because that is when the abuser’s power and control is most threatened and they increase their abusive behaviors to try and re-establish that power and control. That’s when they threaten violence, stalk them, harass them, and use the courts to further abuse them. They are tormented and scared so much that returning to the abuser is easier and less frightening than staying away.
So take another look at Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen. She dropped the order of protection. They’ve said that they will go to couples’ counseling. That it was a “bad night.” They “love each other very much.” And so, the cycle of violence is complete. And that’s why she doesn’t “just leave.”
Thank you for this. People who haven’t been through this usually can’t understand the fear.
And Charlie Sheen pisses me off so much. How many women does he get to abuse before he’s ostracized from civilization?
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by EdenFantasys.com, CarrieAnn , Sammi, Eden Cafe, Kay and others. Kay said: RT @CarrieAnn_: Why Don’t They Just LEAVE? http://bit.ly/6p8Xda [...]
It grates my nerves when people suggest anyone ‘just’ do anything. If it was as simple as ‘just doing’ whatever it is that would fix their problems, they’d have done it already. Unfortunately, humans are complex and situations are complicated and unique so it makes it nearly impossible to expect people to ‘just’ suck it up and do it already.
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And sometimes the abuse isn’t physical. I now recognize this cycle because I lived it for almost two years. Everything rings true, but at the time I had no idea it was an abusive relationship. He wasn’t hitting me, but he was a master manipulator and so good at psychological torture! I did eventually ‘just leave’, but it wasn’t until I was far enough away (both physically and mentally) that I saw the relationship for what it was. If you had asked me at the time I would have told you things were just fine! Sometimes it’s easy to see things from the outside.
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