This question was put to me via a transgendered friend/co-worker who is also part of the lifestyle.  She had the same question posed to her by her doctor, who was trying to understand her kinks, and why she did what she did. I won’t go into the whole conversation, and what she and I discussed, but it made me think about what BDSM really means to me, and what it does for me.

The best way for me to start, especially if one is not familiar with the BDSM acronym, or what it REALLY is, is to define it to the best of my ability.

BDSM is a consensual lifestyle choice, or type of adult role-play between two or more individuals. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D, B/D, or BD), domination and submission (D&s, D/s, or Ds), sadism and masochism (S&M, S/M, or SM).

This definition is pulled from Wikipedia [see FULL article here] and will be able to give a good general overview of the lifestyle. All quotes and references therein are from reputable sources, especially Jay Wiseman, who has written quite a few books on the subject. Some may ask, “So what are you? You have such a strong personality, you must be Dominant.” Actually, I am what is called a “Switch”, more specifically a sub/Dom switch. This means I am pretty much a submissive person in most scenes and settings, though with the right person, I will switch and become Dominant. Most people who have known me for a long time before I started exploring and living this lifestyle, are surprised when I tell them what I am. They know that with my control-based OCD, that the mere act of giving UP that precious control is something that never comes easily; which is more than likely why most think that I am a Dominant.

Submission, to me, is one of utter trust. Trust in, not only the person themselves, but also in their ability to do what it is they may be doing in a particular scene, be it one on one, or in tandem with another Dominant. With that trust comes respect for that Dominant as well. If I cannot trust and respect the person, then how will I be able to fully submit? I want to be able to feel my heart and soul settle into a quiet space, where everything is just right and I am content through and through.  Still, I hold some small modicum of control in each situation. I control who I submit to, and the number of people that I will submit to is VERY few. When I think about it, there are only three to four people that I will submit to, and only one of them has brought me to the utter contentment that I described earlier. To give up that control to the chosen person is a relief, because in a way, I have been freed from my mundane “vanilla” responsibilities, and of having to always be on top of things. I can just let go and not worry that I will be chastised for it. When I submit, normally it is at a fetish event, be it a “public” party or a private event. At these events I will probably be spanked, flogged, maybe whipped, depending on the area. Eventually I want to be able to find a Dominant that will bring that full and utter contentment to me, and still allow me to Dominate submissives if the urge strikes me.

As for my Dominant side, it is less developed and honed like my submissive side. There are moments when I feel more Dominant, feel the need to control someone. I get a power rush from the feeling of being truly superior, and having that ability to control the submissive. I do take pleasure in spanking other submissives, and I have found that I enjoy receiving foot worship, thanks to another friend. I can’t JUST dominate any submissive that comes and kneels at my feet. That feeling of “this one I can play with” has to come over me. If not, I’m not into it, and both parties will more than likely walk away unfulfilled. But the one or two times that I have entered a Dominant mindset, I have felt empowered and in control. One time, a submissive was massaging and kissing my feet before suckling on each toe, which was intense, especially because my feet are normally EXTREMELY ticklish. I have also spanked and cropped another submissive, which was very fun, watching her ass go from white to pink to red. It was very satisfying to see the colors rise, and the spaced smile on her face afterwards. I don’t plan to really flesh out my Dominant side until I feel that my submissive side is better trained. One never stops learning, be it as a sub or a Dominant. But there are protocols and rules that need to be learned for both sides of the coin, and I don’t want to confuse myself.

There are people who say that being a switch is just someone who is confused, and will eventually find their “true” place on one side of the spectrum or the other. But I say that as there is fluidity in human sexuality, why would there not be fluidity in the BDSM world as well. I sometimes describe myself as an enigma wrapped in an oxymoron, and yes, I know how odd it sounds. It is who and what I am, and if the “true” Dominants, or “true” submissives, don’t like it and don’t want to associate themselves, that’s their loss. I cannot, and will not, change who and what I am to please people. I am always learning and always evolving, and that’s how it should be in all walks of life.

So to me, BDSM is an adventure and a learning experience. It helps me meet new and like-minded people, and I hope to someday meet my mate through this life.