I am a virgin.

What does it mean when I say that? Does it mean nothing, because I am a man, devoid of a hymen to prove my virginity? Does it mean I have never inserted my penis into a woman’s vagina? Am I a virgin because I have never had penetrative intercourse? Maybe I am a virgin, due to a complete lack of sexual experience. Clearly, it’s not as simple as a four-word sentence would have you believe.

Virginity was originally a state proven by the presence of the hymen. Some cultures have “virginity tests” before marriage; if a woman was discovered lacking her hymen, she was disgraced. However, because the hymen can often be broken by physical activity like horseback riding, this is hardly the most accurate test. Even if she had had sexual intercourse before marriage, could she still be considered a virgin? Maybe. But you shouldn’t be asking her hymen. You should be asking her.

The standard definition of a virgin is one who has not experienced penile-vaginal intercourse. This obviously brings up a host of problems. Suppose you are gay and have no desire to have that kind of sex? Are you doomed to eternal virginity? Or maybe you are a gay person who has had that kind of sex, but found it boring, unfulfilling, and maybe even distasteful? Can you no longer consider yourself a virgin? It seems unfair to define such an important concept with a sex act that not everyone enjoys.

Some have expanded the definition of virginity loss to include any kind of penetrative intercourse. This helps the gay men who enjoy anal sex, but what about the lesbians? Defining virginity by penetration is very phallocentric and, quite honestly, sexist. With the exception of strap-ons, lesbians are not capable of intercourse. Is a lesbian woman doomed to eternal virginity because she only likes to do the kind of sex acts that others consider merely “foreplay”? No person, regardless of gender or orientation, should be forced to limit their view of virginity to a particular kind of sex act.

When faced with these limiting, heteronormative, and sexist definitions, some have chosen to expand what constitutes virginity, perhaps too far. According to this view, one has lost their virginity if they have had any sexual experience. With this definition, every sexual act can result in the loss of virginity. This makes every sex act of equal value, denying the significance that people place on specific actions. The problem with the traditional definitions is not that they focus on one act, but that they focus on an act that does not hold meaning for everybody.

When the traditional definitions of virginity fail us, we have two options. We can decide that virginity is pointless and we should stop thinking about it so much. But this fails to recognize the importance that many people place on the label, and the significant role it plays in their social development.

The second option is much more fun. We can come up with our own definition. This is mine:

Virgin: A person who has not participated in the most personally significant sex act they wish to participate in.

What this definition means is that you get to decide what act signifies the loss of your virginity. Maybe it’s performing oral sex on a woman. Maybe it’s receiving anal sex from a man. Perhaps it’s simply causing someone else’s orgasm, or having an orgasm caused by someone else.  My view is that people should take ownership of their own virginity, based on their own desires. As a gay man, if I were to have sex with a woman, I would still consider myself a virgin. As a gay man who thinks of himself as a bottom, if I were to penetrate a man, I would still be a virgin. This is because being penetrated is my “most significant sex act.”

Whenever I present this definition to someone, one worry inevitably comes up. When someone identifies a virgin under this definition, they still might have sexual experience, and that could imply dishonesty. This just brings to light one very important fact: sex is complicated. You cannot sum up your entire sexual history with one word, and the world is not cleanly split into virgins and non-virgins. Understanding someone’s sexual history requires a conversation, not a yes or no question.

Also worth noting about this definition is the requirement for participation. If you were forced into your “most significant sex act” before having the opportunity to choose it for yourself, then you are still a virgin. No one can take away your virginity. It is yours to keep and yours to give. It cannot be stolen.

I am a virgin. I have sexual experience. I have been naked with a man. I have given pleasure, and I have received it. But because I have not participated in my “most significant sex act” I am a virgin. Regardless of your level of sexual experience, you could be a virgin. Virginity is lost when you participate in whatever sexual act holds the most personal significance for you. If you haven’t done this, then I invite you to consider yourself a virgin. Embrace it, and fully enjoy the experience and choice of giving it away.