I sometimes hate my libido. It fucks up every relationship I’ve been in. It messes up even the casual friends with benefits flings I have. It screws me over. You see, I have a high sex drive. When guys hear this they laugh, they puff out their chest and assure me that they can keep up with me. They tell me that they’ll be the one to keep me satisfied. I tell them it doesn’t matter if they can keep up, that I know how to please myself, but they still want to beat their chest and say they are the one guy who can keep me satisfied.
They never can.
I’ve been with my fair share of men. Some my age, some older, some older than that. I’m always up front about how often I want sex, or at least to orgasm. They tell me it is no problem, that they can keep up with me. They usually can, for a bit. The first week, sometimes the first month, but then they get worn out. They resent me for my sexual appetite. They call me a slut, a whore, a nympho. I’m not apparently supposed to have these urges, these desires.
Time after time I’ve been made to feel ashamed for what my body wants. Not because sex is bad, or because masturbation is bad, but because I’m a girl. Girls shouldn’t want sex more than boys; that is what we are brought up with. We are brought up with the images of ‘Hunny not now, I have a headache” scenes from women. We are brought up with the thought that men have higher desires than women. Whether or not it is true for the population at large doesn’t faze me, but it isn’t true for me.
Recently it started again. My man, in the beginning, assured me that he had such a high sex drive. He told me that he had the same issues that I did, that at the end of relationships the girls always complained he wanted sex too much. It wasn’t the first time I had heard these lines, but I believed him after our first couple of times together. We were on the same page sexually. Then we moved in together. It decreased a bit more than I would have liked, but we were still having it around once a day (sometimes more, sometimes less) so I left it alone. Mostly because the one time I did complain he told me that I didn’t have anything else to do and that’s why my sex drive was so high (because at that time I was out of work). Trying to explain to him that it was no higher than usual was useless, I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere so I shut up. Then his job hit a stress point and it went from once a day to once every week or so.
So I took matters into my own hands. I know how to keep myself happy and I have no problem doing it. However, he did. He said it made him feel like less of a man, that he wasn’t keeping me satisfied and couldn’t. He said he felt like I was throwing it in his face [because I would masturbate when he was home/in the same room]. So for a while there I stopped doing it when he was home. I snuck around. It felt dirty and wrong, like I was cheating on him with myself. I grew to resent him. Why should I have to hide it? He was upset because it made him feel like he couldn’t satisfy me, but guess what, your track record shows you can’t. I don’t have a problem with that though. I am not with him for the sex [although when we do have it, it is great].
So I started masturbating when he was home again. I would tell him before I did it. I would warn him. I would be pleasant about it. However, every time afterward I’m still left apologizing. Apologizing for keeping myself satisfied, happy, well fucked. I’m made to feel ashamed for my sex drive once again. I don’t know where this road leads me. It is a roller coaster ride that I don’t know the track of, which is scary. I don’t care about taking care of myself, I never have. It is always the other person that I am with that cares, that feels bad and makes me feel bad. I’m not in the relationship for the sex, but I’m also not in the relationship to be made to feel ashamed for the amount of sex/orgasms I want.
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M
I completely relate to this article and the author. I (also female) have been in so many relationships where I have been made to feel bad about my sexuality and desires. I have a ridiculously high sex drive, and it sometimes gets in the way. But to the writer–you should never stay with someone who makes you feel guilty or makes you feel like you should apologize. It’s your NEEDS. If the men you’re with can’t understand that, you can find better.
Kim!
My sex drive is up there, I swear birth control just brings it to “normal” levels. Even with live-in boyfriends I’ve found myself masturbating more than I want to because they can’t keep up. No one should ever shame someone else for their sex drive, it’s something that’s healthy and cannot be helped.
Ray
Long ago, my wife and I realized that we were not always in phase sexually but could support each other with either hands-on/hands-off participation and emotional support. As a side note, little bit of exhibitionism is nice variety. The negative feelings on both sides need to go. None of us are super human nor machines. We find acceptance and support go a long way toward a stronger relationship and a richer, deeper and more satisfying physical relationship.
Renee
It sucks that you’re made to feel that way. This is the first relationship I’ve been in where the man has kept up and once I complained when he wasn’t feeling up to it a couple of times. We’ve worked all of that out. I would question whether the other parties are really into you – no offense just thinking “aloud” – because what I’ve noticed with my current relationship is that we discuss our sexual issues or dis-satisfactions and we both make allowances, exceptions or adjustments. With my ex there was always an issue and someone was always hurt, insulted, unsatisfied, disgusted, etc. I know with that relationship I was not really feeling him overall and I think it’s true for him as well (assuming, however we are divorced now). I hope that one day you’ll meet someone who will be able to keep up with you most of the time and be man enough to accept when he can’t and not belittle you for doing what you need and want to do to satisfy yourself. Great post.
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WildOrchid
It’s not a libido problem – it’s an attitude problem. Those men are scared of the fact that a woman may have her own sexual agenda. That she is sexual independently of their influence.
Please don’t feel guilty or disgusted with yourself. You have as much right to wanting sex multiple times a day as the other person has to wanting it once a week. It’s the society that always sides with a partner who wants/can provide less sex. That’s why I would encourage you to start listening to Dan Savage’s podcast. He aims to lever that a bit. If nothing else it will improve your mood a bit – it’s a great show.
Greta Christina has also a good article about managing mismatched libidos in a relationship – but it requires the other party to behave like an adult. Taking a part of your personality as a personal insult will not help – he needs to stop that. You can’t change your libido any more than you can your eye color. Stop apologizing. You have a great libido, possibly a high orgasmic capacity – those things are here to bring you joy if only you have the strength to own them. Your BF has to man up – otherwise his attitude may poison other areas of the relationship.
Emma
This is great? Glad I share this with others. I have a higher sex drive than whatever normal is for most women. It seems a lot of women don’t feel the same intense need. Along side a higher sex drive, I have time during my cycle that I get crazy horny and it is hard to think of anything other than sex. It can be distracting. I think there are those women out there that have a higher sex drive and the rest fall in different places on the scale. Finding the right match is key I guess with a focus on compromise, understanding, acceptance, and honoring each other. It seems like stress is a big issue in terms of men and women and sex. For me I want more sex when I am stressed. It helps alleviate it and I feel more satisfied and balanced. Men, and women, depending on the person withdraw, want sex or open to it when they feel stressed. I have never had a negative response to my sex drive and abilities. I have been complimented on it. I am still working on an orgasm, I have had something like close to one, and I can have a g-spot “orgasm” where fluid is released, but not mind blowing total abandonment yet. I love sex, and I don’t expect them to satisfy all my needs. It is just something to explore together. We can strive for that but not focus on trying to win some contest, it should be about just enjoying each other and giving and getting pleasure. I can’t just have sex with anyone so this is frustrating because for me masturbation is good to a point, but I don’t find it really emotionally fulfilling. I need to be emotionally connected to a person and have lot of trust. Sometime I think it would be good to be a guy and be able to separate the emotional side more from the physical need. But I think the best is both. I hope not to encounter the kind of attitude you have experienced with some guys. You sexuality should not endanger their sense of self as a man or a sexual being. They have some issues that need to be worked out, talked out. They might not realized what they are doing is so damaging. But if don’t change that up, they are not worth it and you deserve better. I would think as a guy, oh goody I can go in and watch if the sounds of you moaning were turning me on. If they not in the mood, who cares, they can surprise you later in the morning with something fun under the converse. I know I wouldn’t object to that. I think your attitude is great about not expecting them not be there when you need it. So you are doing nothing wrong. Hope you get it sorted out. We as a culture have a lot of work to do as well.
Kisses and Kinks
I remember the last relationship I was in.
He broke up with me because he felt the only thing we did was fool around. I was floored. I was happy that way.
I also tried dating a guy that I realized later had a low libido. i couldn’t do it. *Shakes head.*
onyourbike
Funny how if it’s a woman who has a high sex drive, the comments are ‘find someone who can keep up with you.’ If it’s a man, the comments are always ‘sex isn’t everything you know.’ As a man who has, yes, a high sex drive, I also wish sometimes I could meet a woman and just have hard, energetic sex with lots of orgasms (for her especially, which really turns me on.) But I wouldn’t sacrifice the love I have for my partner for that.
k
I’m confused. Who are you trying to blame here? Are you even trying to blame someone. What answers do you want? Simply put he should be happy with you masturbating and you should be able to control your sex drive to a point where you don’t end up breaking up with people over it. If you can’t do that your no higher up the evolutionary scale then a undisciplined monkey.