I’ve noticed a somewhat bizarre phenomenon among a few of my straight friends. It seems to be a variation on the “only hooks up with people of the same gender while drunk” phenomenon that I saw during college. Unfortunately for me, what I’m observing now doesn’t involve me getting to make out with cute boys or my girl friends getting to hook up with cute “straight” girls. No, this is quite different. I’ve noticed that some of my straight friends will only talk about gender theory while drunk. I know, less glamorous than the hot queer sex you were hoping I’d describe in this column, but let me elaborate.
I’m thinking of one friend in particular, so let’s dwell on her for a moment. We’ll call her R, for short. R self identifies as straight and as a woman. R knows that I’m trans but, despite being comfortable pestering me about just about anything else she has ever wondered about my life, has never asked me about gender. At least not while sober.
A couple of weeks ago, R and I were at a party. Enter our dear old friend, Chardonnay. Chardonnay starts to chat us both up and suddenly, R has all sorts of questions and ideas about gender. Here’s the kicker: R is really smart. Her ideas about what gender means are intelligent and her questions are thoughtful and interesting. These aren’t the standard ones that I find boring because I’ve answered them so many times; these are questions that make me think and reconsider my beliefs about this, that and the other thing. So we argue and laugh and have a grand old time talking about gender. We’re grooving. We’re flying high. She’s making me feel ways I haven’t felt since I was 17 and first discovering the joy of, ahem, scholarly debate.
The next day, it’s not quite as bad as a drunk hook up gone wrong, but it certainly has some similar elements. For instance, we never talk about what happened. We re-establish normal communication (a critical element of post-hookup interaction) with a conversation about food or something equally inconsequential, and we pretend that nothing out of the ordinary ever happened. The friendship returns to normal. We joke, we play, we have a good time with safe topics like science and pop culture. …Until the next week. This time, we’re at a party with our red faced friend, Shiraz. Shiraz waltzes in, the picture of class, and gets R talking. Again! We talk gender. We talk sexuality. It’s beautiful. All that hot, sexy chemistry that we had the other night is re-established and we share a sweaty, steamy, exchange of ideas.
I think that at this point, you get the point, and I should maybe get to my point. The point is that I have a host of these friends who have really great ideas and questions about my trans identity but seem to be petrified to express them. Those who do eventually confide in me tell me that they were afraid from the start that they would offend me somehow. I try to reassure them that I’ve been asked every offensive question in the book and won’t be upset if I know they’re asking honestly, but this rarely works. At the end of the day, though, I kind of don’t mind the R effect. Alcohol clearly shouldn’t be used as a way to get someone into bed, but to get them talking about something they find interesting but are afraid to ask about? Heck yes; sign me up.
Airen
I find that to be true even though I am for all intents and purposes CIS…I am polyamorous though and a brand new specimen to be dissected. Problem is people are petrified to ask even the simplest questions, it’s rather weird since they will ask insulting questions about my religious choices, or how I bring up my children (I’m pagan and we homeschool) but ask about sex? HELLS NO!
It is akin to what some friends of mine who are confined to wheelchairs say they feel…every one has questions in their eyes but they won’t even make eye contact! Then again you never know…most people are quite willing to talk about themselves but then you get that one person who just gets insulting and rude at the first non-invasive question. It’s a hard road to judge sometimes.
I’d say enjoy the rare moments that you can speak freely and excersize your mental libido, and maybe gently bring it up later on how much you enjoyed the conversation. Say, at a very low key time like when you’re enjoying a cup of coffee and talking inconsequential stuff. Just a sort of “Hey thanks for the great conversation last night (last week whatever) it really made me think.” Leave it at that and see what happens.
Gabe
Yeah, the low key reference back to the convo is a good call. Thanks for writing–I think your point is totally dead on, that it’s not just gender that people seem petrified to talk about, but any sort of difference. And alcohol, social lubricant that it is, does have the added perk of making people more likely to ask the questions they have.