I’m sorry I’ve been so negligent. Between moving across the country (I now live on the lovely west coast, in a place full of sunshine and unicorns, gum drops and sugar plums) and breaking up with M and various other life changes, I’ve been a bit busy. But I’m back in the saddle now, and here to dish up some more wisdom, or whatever it is that I serve up on this blog.
Last week, I found myself sitting on a panel for a sociology of gender class and being asked some very genuine, and very problematic, questions. Let’s just say that I was inspired by that experience to make this short list of Questions You Really Shouldn’t Ask a Trans Person, and the answers I wish I had the guts to actually use. Enjoy.
Q1. “So. Just how male are you?”
A1. “I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.”
Explanation: It’s really not okay to ask a trans person details about their anatomy, any more than it’s okay to walk up to a random guy on the street and ask how big his cock is, or a random lady and ask whether her clitoris protrudes from the hood or not. Seriously, people, is nothing sacred? If you wouldn’t talk about it with your grandma, don’t try and talk about it with me.
Q2. “What was your birth name?”
A2. “Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.”
Explanation: For a trans person, their birth name may be attached to a whole lot of negative emotional experiences. It may be the one stickler issue that their parents won’t budge on, or the source of hassles at the airport and DMV. Whether a person has changed their name legally or not, they have the right to be called as they wish, and you have no authority to ask them to reveal a former name that they might associate with a lot of pain. And, I know, you’re not forcing them to do anything. But imagine if a fly were buzzing at your ear all day long. It’d annoy you even if it never actually landed on you. Don’t be the fly.
Q3. “So do you like, you know, want to be a man?”
A3. “Do you, like, you know, want to be what you are?”
Explanation: Honestly, I couldn’t care less what gender I am. I never spent time sitting around and thinking about what gender I “wanted” to be. I am a man, whether I want to be one or not. In fact, if all else were equal, I suppose some trans people might “want” to be the gender assigned to them at birth—after all, it would have made life a lot simpler. No matter what they want, though, none of us want to be a gender, we simply are.
In general, a good principle to stand by is that you shouldn’t ask a trans person anything that is inappropriately intimate, relative to your relationship with them. It’s true, we trans folks have a set of interesting stories and many of us are happy to share them with friends. But keep in mind that you wouldn’t ask someone you just met to describe the biggest sources of conflict they’ve ever had with their parents. You wouldn’t try to get them to talk about their greatest insecurity with their body on a first date. Likewise, you shouldn’t ask a trans person about their parents or their body or anything else as if it’s nothing. It’s not nothing, but it’s also not necessarily a bad thing to talk about. In the right circumstance, with an established relationship and the proper respect, you can find a way to ask lots of questions. But please consider prefacing them with a caveat—“if you feel comfortable answering this” works fine. It really does help.
Do any of you have questions to add to this list? I’d love to hear them.
Also, now that I’m back on the proverbial horse, let me know in the comments or via email (transtasticgabe@gmail.com) what you’d like me to write about! I do love having topics handed to me—makes the brainstorming process so much smoother.
Xoxo,
Gabe
BBW Talks Toys
I have not, to my knowledge, ever encountered a transgendered person. People in drag? Yes. People who are in the process of attaining (or have attained) gender reassignment? No. There is a natural desire in me, when meeting people who are different than I am, to ask a lot of questions. I’m sure that many people feel the same way. Sure there are hurtful people out there, but I think most are just trying to understand people.
Thank you for giving people like me a reminder that just because we have questions, it doesn’t give us the right to invade someone’s privacy and make them uncomfortable. Thank you, also, for coming onto a public forum and talking about your experiences and giving us insight and education. It’s very brave.
Gabe
Thanks for reading! As I mentioned below, in my response to Luscious Lily, I totally appreciate that many folks are coming from the right place and really just want to be educated. I just hope someday we have a world where there’s more education overall!
Luscious Lily
You make some really good points. Unfortunately, I’d guess that the people who most need to read this will never see it, so you may be preaching to the choir, as it were. Regardless, this is a really good piece, and a really good chunk of “rule of thumb” advice.
Interestingly, when I showed this to a FTM friend of mine, I got a rather different response. I’m not sure whether it’s because he may have had a vastly different set of experiences than you, or because he’s such a natural teacher. He said that he wouldn’t mind these questions too much, even from someone he didn’t know well, as long as they were prefaced by an HONEST “I don’t know much/anything about Trans, so forgive me and stop me if I say anything offensive by accident, but I’ve got some questions…”
Gabe
I actually think that your friend and I might be more similar than you’d think. The truth is that when I do get these questions, I answer them. I even do so politely and nicely, and I do my best not to reveal how tired I am of answering the same questions over and over. And I do that because, like your friend, I appreciate that these people are coming from the right place and I want to help them learn. But it doesn’t make it less problematic, and I also try to communicate that, though I am happy to answer those questions, it isn’t fair to expect every trans person to do so.
Sir
Agreed with the wanting to be the gender that our body would have deemed us at birth. I actually said to my therapist, “Well, this isn’t a want. To be honest, I WANT to be the gender that my body matches up with. I don’t WANT to go through all of this trouble to be who I am.”
Gabe
Right! It’s a damn hassle to be trans, though of course many wonderful things have come out of it too. But the idea that anyone would want to go through it is kinda absurd.
P'Gell
Great article, Gabe! I would think everything you said would be common sense or common courtesy, but people can be rude and seem to think anyone they see as “different” is open to revealing everything about themselves to strangers.
An other question a MtF friend of mine absolutely HATES: “So, did they cut off your dick?” Good heaven, what is wrong with people? She usually says, “Yeah, it’s in my purse. Wanna see it?” Or she just walks away saying nothing.
Gabe
Ha! That’s pretty bad. People really have no sense sometimes.
Airenwolf
People can be insensitive to the extreme. I get asked constantly whether I worship the devil, believe in God, sexually abuse children, what STDs I’ve had and whether I am ashamed of myself for being polyamorous and pagan. I also get asked what size clothes I wear (I’m a very short, round individual) and crassest of all how old I am! Like it’s ever ok to ask a woman her weight, dress size and age!
You just get fed up after a while and either come up with humorous answers or ask impertinent questions right back.
All that being said like you, Gabe, if the person is genuinely interested and polite I’ll answer just about anything regardless of how many times I have answered the quesetion. But good grief “Just how male are you??!!??” How male do you need me to be? *Eye roll*