I knew my life would change when I graduated my hippie liberal arts college (known henceforth as HLAC) in the Northeast and moved to the South. I knew that I would start identifying sweet tea and biscuits as two major food groups, that race relations would take on an entirely new flavor, and that I was in for some radically different weather. I even realized that I would run into a lot of ignorance and even hostility towards trans people. I figured that I would learn quickly who not to talk to about it. Since I pass full time and have for years, being “outed” wasn’t a concern, so I figured that I’d weather the changes just fine. What I didn’t realize was that my entire coming out process was going to change. See, at HLAC, a conversation about my being trans would go something like this:

HLACer: When I was a kid, I totally loved softball/baseball!
Me: Cool! I played softball straight through highschool.
HLACer: I didn’t realize there were men’s competitive leagues at that level.
Me: Yeah, actually, I’m trans, so I was playing on a women’s team back then.
HLACer: Gotchya. What position were you playing?

See that? The conversation demanded that I come out, so that my story could make sense. I did come out, the story made sense, and we moved on to other topics. At some later date, when we weren’t in the middle of a conversation about something else, the topic might have turned to my transition, how my parents took it, what it’s like to be on testosterone, and that sort of thing. It might not have, though, and that would be fine too—I wasn’t committed to talking about it in depth with everyone because it wasn’t relevant to every relationship I had. If it came up, I mentioned it, and if not, no big deal. Now, contrast that with a couple experiences I’ve had in the South.

Exhibit A: The Intimacy Sharer
[The conversation starts just as above, I mention that I’m trans to explain the fact that I played softball]
TIS: Oh wow, thanks so much for sharing that with me.
Me: Uh, no prob. It’s not really a big deal.
TIS: No, I mean it. I feel like you shared a really big part of your soul with me and I’m so honored that you felt comfortable sharing that.
Me: [extremely awkward at this point] Really, it’s no big deal.

See, The Intimacy Sharer really means well. They just don’t get that my coming out isn’t a big deal to me. I wasn’t using this conversation as an excuse to bring it up because I’d wanted to share this part of myself with them. My coming out wasn’t based on any sort of deep connection we shared. It came up so I mentioned it! Seriously, people, I just wanted to talk about my softball experience. Can we get back to that conversation please?

Exhibit B: Super Secret Keeper
[Intro]
SSK: Oh, thanks for sharing that with me!
Me: No prob. So what position did you play in softball?
SSK: I played first base, actually. Hey, I just want you to know that I’m not going to gossip about that with anyone, I swear.
Me: Cool. I played some first base, too! I remember this one time…
SSK: But seriously. Don’t worry about it. I’m really good at keeping secrets.

Again, the Super Secret Keeper means really well. And there are some people (namely, my boss) whom I’d rather didn’t know. But, honestly? It’d be easier if most of the people I met knew, precisely so I could avoid these conversations. More importantly, though, all this secret keeping is getting in the way of a perfectly good conversation about sports. A conversation I was enjoying! The SSK was enjoying it too until they got distracted by their secret keeping obligation. Can’t we go back to sports now?

Exhbiit C: Had No Idea
[Intro]
HNI: [listens, then gives a totally blank stare] Huh?
Me: I’m transgendered. So that means I was born with a female body but a male mind, and so I lived part of my life as a girl and played softball but have since then transitioned to live as a man.
HNI: Oh, interesting.
Me: Yeah. So anyhow, what position did you play in softball/baseball?
HNI: Wait, I don’t get it. You played for a women’s softball team? Why weren’t you ineligible, as a guy?
Me: [explain again, more slowly this time]
HNI: Okay, I guess I get that. Was that really hard to figure out?

Now, Had No Idea is probably the most common one I run into down here. It’s also the type of person I most like to come out to because that person is a total blank slate. I can tell them what I want to about trans people, and they accept it. The problem is that, again, my conversation about softball just got derailed into a conversation about gender. Fail.

I don’t want to give all of you the wrong impression about how much I like talking about gender. I find gender fascinating. I love debating what gender means, how it affects society, and what we can do to change the rigidity of gender roles. I even like talking about my own experience as a trans person. I just don’t like talking about those things all the time and I don’t like that coming out has meant, in my recent experience, having those conversations about gender rather than whatever conversation prompted the mention of my trans identity in the first place. So I’m begging of you, for those well meaning TIS, SSK and HNIs out there—We can talk about gender later, but for now, can we just talk about softball please?