I am the partner of a transgendered person. And even more confusing to people is that I am legally married to my partner who is a transwoman.

Who knew a simple change of names and gender pronouns would make life so difficult. It makes things so confusing to others. The rules have changed for me. I watch my words at certain times, and avoid pronouns all together at other times.

My wife and I met, but of course at the time she was not my my wife, but my boyfriend. Gender roles have never felt like that much of an issue in our relationship. We both read the same feminist blogs, held the same views of skewing the gender system. But to everyone around us, we were a boy and a girl. Without delving below the surface we were the normal heterosexual couple. People disliked us for our mohawks and colored hair, but didn’t question our genitalia.

I proposed to my partner, in the most geeky way possible, over the internet. I guess that year was the year we started messing with the gender rules. My fiance enjoyed wearing skirts and kilts, even with a long flaming red beard and fluffy mohawk.

Within the first year of our marriage my partner came out to me that she felt transgendered and wished to start dressing more feminine. The changes weren’t overnight. Clothing had to be bought, the flaming red beard had to be shaved. A new name was chosen and her own job and school issues had to be addressed.

Now people view us differently. Now I’m a lesbian to some, and a confusion to others. At my work I went from openly talking about my husband, to having to be hush-hush about my wife. Even though my coworkers know about the transition, I find myself having to censor my words often.

While there are upsides to my partners’ transition, including her own happiness and comfort in her skin. And I must admit I’ve enjoyed introducing my wife to the world of M.A.C. Cosmetics and having a new shopping buddy.

The downsides include the questions, and the dirty looks I receive. People feel like they can ask me any question, even questions they would never ask another individual. “Is she getting ‘the surgery’?” “Do you still have sex?” “Is she on hormones yet?” “Are you getting a divorce?”…and my favorite invasion without any sense of social grace: “Does she still have a penis?”

My wife is not a circus oddity, nor am I the ringmaster who is around to answer your invasive questions. While curiosity can be a good thing, and lead to open-mindedness, I don’t have a badge that says “ask me about my wife’s genitals.”

I have decided to take this situation into my own hands. I am turning it around and all the questions have motivated me to help other partners of transpeople. I am a counseling psychology graduate student and have turned some of my focus toward creating support groups for “transpartners.” I have decided I will be a therapist with knowledge of trans relationships, with my own experiences driving my work.

As much as I despise being asked some of these questions, I want to be able to give the best answers that develop real conversations and open minds. My partner is transgender, I am proud. She is my wife, go ahead and ask me anything.