Three’s Company: Living With The Ex And The New Boyfriend And How It Works For Us

Posted by JedenTcloseAuthor: JedenT Name:
Email: TeamTerwilliger@gmail.com
Site: http://wereallfriendshere.blogspot.com/
About: JedenT lives in windy Beaumont, California and is the author of "Bombshell: A Novel." She works as a photographer, occasionally moonlighting as a nude and boudoir photographer, and is currently writing about her life with her ex and her boyfriend in her blog, "We're All Friends Here." (http://wereallfriendshere.blogspot.com)See Authors Posts (5)

By all logic and by every story you’ve heard from your friends, experienced yourself, or have seen written into the plot of a TV drama, my ex-husband and I should not only despise each other, but certainly there should be some serious tension between him and my new boyfriend—particularly since my boyfriend was a result of our “open marriage.” What broke my husband and I up wasn’t my boyfriend though, in fact he enriched the drowning relationship in a lot of ways. We eventually figured out that we really function better as friends than as husband and wife.

And so as it stands, the ex and I are very good friends and we co-parent 100% of the time, and my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. Here’s the fun part: We all live together. The two men, me, and the two kids.
How does this work? How can we possibly stomach each other? How do toes not get stepped on?
Well, they do on occasion. It’s not perfect, but we do it, and we’re happy that we do it because there are plenty of benefits: the children live with both of their parents without having to go to separate houses, cost of living is shared, and we’re all in good company when we’re together.
It seems that whenever I mention the living situation to someone, their eyes get all big and they ask “and do the two of them get along?” And some people actually think that by moving the boyfriend in I’m being mean to my ex, making him suffer as he watches us frolic and close bedroom doors.
People tend to project though, and when they suggest things like this it just tells me that if they were in this situation they would be vindictive and cruel. I have no reason to be that way. When my ex and I decided to end things it was mutual and there was no hatred. Why spark up the fire now? Why when we still have our children to raise?
How we work is through a lot of respect and love and communication. There’s no reason to pick fights or talk about the things that crumbled the marriage. At the end of the day my ex is a very mellow person, and I tend to be as well. My boyfriend is fiery but in a fun way that keeps all of our energy levels up. Adding him to the mix actually helps out a lot in the sense that my ex and I had become bored over the years. He makes conversations, meals, and downtime very interesting with his boisterous interjections and random furniture jumps. (Nobody can get from the living room to the kitchen to deal with a pot that boiled over faster than he can.)
Having a third adult in the house gives everyone a break at some point. One more person to help with the children, one more person to help with cooking. If one person is sick, there are two more who can help the sick person and take care of all of the responsibilities of the house. With me being a stay at home mom, we’re still a two income household so money isn’t as tight and my ex was able to quit his night job and spend more time with his kids. Childcare is also a breeze now. If my boyfriend and I want to go out on a date, or my ex and I are doing birthday shopping for our boys, or the two of them want a guys night out, one of us is always home.
Our biggest concern is our children in all of this. My boyfriend would not be my boyfriend if he wasn’t good with my children. My kids happen to love him to death and he treats them as if they’re his own, even though he is very adamant that he is NOT their father and he’s just happy to be third in command as Step Dad. And when it comes to who my ex dates, there’s a screening process as well. Though he hasn’t been out much, there are certain things that he thinks about when it comes to dating material. Is she mature enough to accept that we live together even though we aren’t romantically involved? Could she be trusted around our children? Does she understand that the safety and well being of his children come first?
Believe me, I had to carefully consider the same things for my boyfriend when he first came onto the scene. It’s well worth it to do so because putting my kids through emotional stress is not something I’m a fan of. Not that every relationship is perfect, and not that the kids are involved in every intimate aspect of our relationships, but they do tend to pick up on a lot. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
It’s so much easier and healthier for kids to see their parents getting along with each other and their new partners instead of at each other’s throats like wild animals. When you have children, no matter what happened in the marriage, there is always a tie. We do what we need to do to make sure that we thrive so that our children can thrive as well.
And whenever there is trouble, we all sit down and take the time to talk it out. We let each other know that we appreciate one another, and that yes this is muddy and there is no instruction guide for this but we can do it. We’re all very capable and most importantly, we want to do it.
Our dynamics are completely unique. I’m not sure that I could write a guide on how to make a situation like this work for someone else because every relationship is different. My ex and my boyfriend happen to be best friends. I happen to be a better friend to my ex than a wife. We live together because it’s convenient and it’s good for the kids. How it works is really all in how you approach the situation.