Five Reasons That (Good) Scary Movies Can Get You Laid

Now I’m not going to say that any horror flick will definitely warm or wet the taste of every person out there, but in my personal experience a few movies have quite the ideal combination of certain elements to stimulate arousal in a variety of different people types.

Reason One:  Everyone Loves to Be Scared

Not in the way that people find arousal in thinking somebody might be in their house, or that perhaps the man down the street, coming slowly towards you after your car mysteriously broke down on your way home from work, might possibly stab you and use your skin to make furniture… It takes a very special woman or a very lonely man to think that is sexy. It’s in the thrill of being out of control.

Movie viewing is not an interactive media, but it is an absorbing one under the right circumstances, and when the Scream Queen of the present sequel stumbles as she flees loudly from the fresh crime scene, you’re pumped. (Well, if the movie is good.)

But it’s like a roller coaster. When your blood gets pumping and the adrenaline starts flowing, everybody feels excited. And when you get excited enough you wanna get up and do something! Or someone.

Reason Two: Pretty Much Every Horror Movie Has Porn in It.

We all know that there will always be the standing archetype of the stupid girl running around with her tits out in every good horror movie. But even if the cheerleader doesn’t get inexplicably (but conveniently) naked, there is metaphorical porn in pretty much every horror movie. In Dracula, the exchange of body fluids and the penetration of young female flesh is literal. In Jason movies, we find him impaling sexy young women with a giant phallic symbol, plunging his hard machete into their moist quivering entrails. (Pay less attention to the literal aspect and that sounds really naughty.)

(Though the tits and occasional man ass are much appreciated, don’t get me wrong I love horror boobs.)

Next time, though, when you see someone get stabbed, impaled, or nailed/affixed to something by way of a weapon, remember, that weapon is a scare film penis.

Reason Three: It’s an Excuse to Cuddle

Ok, this one is so obvious it barely deserves a full paragraph. But any movie is an excuse to cuddle. Horror movies in particular though, because the movies themselves are designed to make the viewer feel unsafe, thus giving an extra incentive to be more cuddly. It’s even better if it’s a movie that’s less focused on the gore. When a movie is just plain creepy, that’s when you can get all close to your chosen couch buddy, that’s when you need the security of another person most.

Reason Four: The Opportunity to be a Protector

On the flip side of the ‘scary movie hold me close’ coin, there is the fact that when your partner clings to you, it grants you the ability to be their protector. They’re scared of what’s on the screen and you’re keeping them safe. You amazing, dominant, secure, and loving rapscallion you.

Whenever you feel the arms (or screams) of your lover grip your torso (or headache) like a vice, you can smile smugly to yourself. Knowing full well that you would push them to the ground and run your ass out of Elm St… But for the moment you’re a knight in shining sweatpants.

Reason Five: You Both Know Damn Well What You’re Getting At

Now, remember. As always, I’m only speaking for me.

But looking at the outside, it would seem that the percentage of people who are both capable of maintaining a stable and sexually healthy relationship AND are horror movie buffs is rather minor.
If you’re an average or close to average couple, and a scary movie is actually scary for either of you, I’m willing to bet there is a reasonably good chance that you aren’t watching it because you don’t want to frighten the fear of darkness into yourselves just before bed. It just like when you were all teenagers, you pick the movie most likely to get you into something heavy for date night.
Whether it be a boring movie you can make out to, or a scary movie so your sister will stay out of the den and you and Samatha can be alone, you know what you want when you make a movie pick that stands out from the norm, and so do they!

I guess if you look at it that way, it’s really not the scary movie that can get you laid, you just need a partner who isn’t extremely nerdy about horror movies, otherwise you are just gonna get pushed off mid-kiss so they can see the pivotal scene in a Romero film.

(It happened to me.)

Happy Halloween.

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