As far as I’m concerned, I’ve always identified as female and straight. I was born a biological female, and I do consider myself a “girly girl” who likes clothes, make-up, and shoes. Sure, I am a little bit on the eccentric side: I dye my hair pink, my taste in music is different from most everyone else, and I wear nothing but black or red clothing. I may seem a little weird, but that doesn’t mean that I’m a lesbian!

Now before you people jump down my throats for stereotyping, I need to explain that I am not saying that lesbians are weird, or strange, or even different. These are not my personal opinions.

However, it seems that where I come from, the stereotyping still persists. People have this preconceived notion that girls who tend to wear unusual fashions, despite being relatively feminine to look at, are lesbians. I think it stems from the fact that I am surrounded by deeply religious folk who still believe that homosexuality is sinful or unnatural. This gives rise to a rather twisted perception that lesbians would look different too, and that you can spot them in a crowd like a sore thumb.

This had led to some very strange misconceptions about me that have negatively affected my life to some extent. Some male friends (and occasionally my crushes) falsely believe that I only like girls, so they immediately box me into that dreaded “friend zone”. There was also this creepy older man who once made a pass at me, but not before asking if I actually had a girlfriend. I have even received a rude remark from the sister of a close friend of mine, who asked him: “Why do you always hang out with lesbians?” She was referring to me as if I was not even there.

It does not seem to be limited to the heterosexual community either. I have been asked out no less than three times by three different girls who all thought I swung that way. Two of them were butch lesbians, and the third one was a cheery girl who liked painting my nails. Needless to say, I found all of this rather jarring.

Although I try not to take being mistaken for a lesbian as an insult, I can’t help but feel irritated. At first, I thought that people made false conclusions about my sexuality due to the fact that many of my female friends just happen to be actual lesbians or bisexuals. At first, I thought that was an understandable mistake. After all, many believe that birds of a feather flock together. But apparently, that wasn’t the case. I’ve received the same reactions from people that I have just met and have absolutely no idea about what kind of people I hang out with.

This plunged me into a state of confusion that took me almost half a year to sort out. At first, I thought that it was my mannerisms. Was I acting boyish? Do I walk with a swagger? Or do I simply talk too loud when I’m out in the halls? In an effort to appear more feminine, I actually started piling my make-up on more thickly and started wearing more skirts. But after a while, I decided that that was simply not the case, especially since a lot of people have told me that I was exceptionally feminine and sweet.

But since the prejudging continued regardless, I asked some of my bisexual friends for help. While most of them told me that I should simply ignore it, a couple of my friends actually told me that I should just turn into a bisexual. They had this go-with-the-flow type of attitude, and thought that I should just try liking girls since everyone seems to think so already.

“It would really suit you, you know.” They told me. I assumed that they referred to my manner of dress, which miffed me, but I didn’t pursue the matter. They just told me that I should try kissing a girl, and maybe I would find that I like it. Amazingly enough, I agreed to give lesbianism a shot and entered my bi-curious stage.

For the most part, I felt pressured to become a lesbian, which I realize must sound extremely strange since most homosexuals actually feel the opposite. In their cases, society pressures them to pretend that they are straight. But it seems that because of my eccentricities and the company that I keep, people inadvertently make me feel as though being a lesbian was something that is expected of me. After all, even my friends seem to think that it is something I should just go along with.

So how did I test that I was lesbian or bisexual? Well, I first started by watching a lot of lesbian porn. I already watch pornography on a regular basis, but I do not usually look at girl-on-girl scenes. To be honest, I even tend to skip over them when I encounter them in a longer movie. Unfortunately, I found that it does not seem to turn me on as much as straight porn, but I did eventually grow very fond of strap-on scenes. I think I make that exception mostly because I have a sex toy fetish of sorts.

Then I started looking at girls.

There was this girl in my class who was a year above me. She was the sweet, blushing type who had a petite frame, and doll-like Chinese features. She was a really kind and beautiful girl who would often stop to talk to me even if she was busy. For a while I fixated on her, convincing myself that I was attracted to her.

I also liked this other girl in my year, who was not as pretty as my senior, but had nice curves and always wore tight fitting sleeveless tops. She was a photographer and a talented artist, and I enjoyed her company a lot, as well.

But when I tried to imagine kissing them or attempted to fantasize about them naked, I ended up making myself cringe. I usually have no trouble fantasizing about my male crushes, but attempting to do the same with my girl crushes just seemed unnatural and somewhat… revolting. I felt guilty, and dirty, and I simply could not get myself to see them in that light.

Eventually, I figured that my supposed attraction to these girls was nothing more than plain admiration. Deep down, I knew that I was not attracted to these girls sexually or romantically. Their magnetic appeal probably just stemmed from the realization that I simply wanted to be like them. They were fun, pretty, and extremely confident, which are all traits that any girl would want. They were my role models, of sorts, and I envied their beauty almost as much as I admired them.

I never got as far actually kissing a girl or going out on a date with one, but I did achieve some sort of peace after I decided that I was without a doubt, a heterosexual female. Imagining myself in a relationship with a girl just felt weird to me, and it is still the handsome stud swaggering down the hall that manages to make my head turn, NOT the hot chick in a mini skirt.

I still get mistaken for a lesbian every once in a while, but now that I got over the confusion and my inner turmoil, I have learned to just ignore it. I know what I am, and I know that I don’t like women. I can’t imagine ever kissing a girl and liking it. You can keep on judging me based solely on my clothes, but it’s just not me.

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