I had all these smart ass lines I was going to start this post with. But I realized that attitude (and maybe the one I exhibited in my last post … What? I’m comfortable admitting that maybe I was a little more snarky than I needed to be. Are you?) isn’t really conducive to opening the lines of communication. And that really was my main intention. Pointing out that there’s more than one way to view that joke. I won’t promise this post won’t devolve into more of the same. But I’ll give it a shot!

First, let’s clear a few things up.

1 – I was a prostitute for a while in my late teens and again in my early twenties. I don’t talk about it often (though I have talked about it) because I don’t see the point, and I didn’t mention it in my last post because I knew I’d get the response Melen got when he used my prior work history as evidence of his lack of aversion to sex workers. “Women can say misogynistic things. People of colour can say racist things. Sex workers can say things that are anti-sex work…” But I didn’t make the joke, I just said I don’t find it offensive.

2 – EdenCafe does have an editor! A copy editor. For as long as this blog has been on the net, we’ve made it a place where our contributors can express pretty much any opinion they want. It’s sort of our thing. Of course there are exceptions. Hooker jokes has never been one of them.

3 – Before I wrote my last post (or maybe when I stopped reading the Twitter war?), despite multiple people asking for more information, the only explanation anyone had managed to get out of the people offended by the joke was that it marginalizes sex workers and compounds the stigma. No one would go into more detail. Which is why I and others like me just did not get it.

You guys have been wonderful with your responses. And I understand your frustration now. But I do not share your opinion. And I won’t pretend to just to smooth things over.

Even Charlie Glickman had a response to my post. That’s pretty cool. He, of course, is on the side of sex workers. I am, too! But if this particular discussion proves anything without a doubt, it’s that there are even differing opinions within the sex worker supporter camp.

Next up, since sex workers are often attacked and vilified in the media and have very few allies who are willing to speak up on their behalf, they’re an easy and frequent target. And every sex worker I know is really tired of it, whether it shows up as attacks or jokes.

I’m willing to concede that Mr. Glickman and I run in different circles of sex workers (LGBTs and minorities). But this isn’t about who knows what people with which opinions, and I’m sorry I mentioned the sex workers (LGBTs and minorities) I know. There will always be someone who holds an opposing view. I, of all people, should know that, considering mine is most often the least popular.

What this is about, however, is people who know all sides of the argument that have been put forth running the debate through their own personal BS filters and coming up with different results. It’s about people who just don’t agree on what’s offensive. There’s nothing wrong with that. And in this case, each side can be equally helpful if approached the right way.

For example, I’m not really coming at this from a strictly “It was just a joke.” perspective, and I actually did understand why that excuse was compared with excuses made for racist remarks. I still maintain there’s a better way to educate someone of their perceived offense than insinuating the voice behind FetLife’s Twitter account is a bigot.

The perspective I’m coming at this from is that of a bisexual, fat, white (in appearance only), adopted, socially stupid woman who was raised by a straight, white (in appearance and heritage), cisgender, overly social couple who didn’t understand my reluctance to get to know people. They always told me to brush off any derogatory comments made about or to me. “Ignore them, Rayne. They’re stupid.” my parents would tell me. And eventually, the assholes got bored. The comments stopped. Life went on. So now I laugh. For if you can’t laugh at the critics who have no idea what life is like for you, you will drown.

I hear ya! Laughing it off doesn’t get us anywhere. No one learns anything. Nothing changes. People still make the comments. Marginalized groups are still marginalized. The age old belief that bullies have no power if you don’t give it to them seems like so much bullshit.

But at least you’re not spending even a minute of your day allowing their ignorance an iota of control over you.

Mr. Glickman brought up John Scalzi’s post The Failure Mode of Clever and the whole “Your joke about [insert marginalized group here] isn’t funny unless you are one.” argument. Surely my having been a sex worker qualifies me to decide whether or not I find jokes about sex workers offensive. Of course no one meant to suggest that I have to take offense to a drunk hooker joke.

But beyond that, my personal opinion is that point of view is a horrible double standard. Either jokes are funny or they’re not. While delivery can make or break a joke, who’s telling it should have nothing to do with the message. And people shouldn’t assume a stranger (or friend, or acquaintance, or website) is intentionally being offensive based on how they’ve seen others behave. However! Just like with everything else in the world, just because things should be a certain way doesn’t mean they are, and unless they’re willing to take their lumps, people should act accordingly and advocate for the change they want to see.

If nothing else, I’m willing to take my lumps to do and say what I want to do and say. And I’ll stand up for everyone’s right to do and say what they want to do and say.

Another post written in response to mine said,

Call me a humorless bitch, but we live in a culture that is violent in many ways towards sex workers. Joking about these things has multiple effects. It silences people who are offended, because they’re afraid to come out and say why. Not everyone can be out as queer, a rape victim, or a sex worker. It normalizes and humorizes violence, racism, lack of consent, stereotyping, and other problematic behaviors that have painful realities attached. It serves to add to a culture of disrespect that makes physical violence not only OK, but a punchline. And it’s just lazy.

I especially like how I’ve been accused of trying to derail the argument by people who’ve spent a great deal of time ignoring a very valid point. Our culture (and the vast majority of the cultures it’s made up of) is violent (oppressive, rude, bigoted) in many ways toward all sorts of people, not just sex workers, but since serial killers aren’t targeting them (though I’d argue that serial killers are targeting everyone), it doesn’t matter. And, for that matter, for some people, the way of dealing with shitty situations is humor. Even humor that is off color or offensive.

When people call you out on the entitlement that often comes with such humor, reflect on why it’s so important to you to cling to your “joke.” Is it that important to you to tell drunk hooker jokes? Really? Is that an important part of your sense of humor? Why? Does freedom of speech include hate speech? Should it? Where do you draw the line on what constitutes such speech? If you say something offensive, is it really so terrible to apologize? Is that “political correctness gone wild” or just being a polite human being who doesn’t like to inflict hurt on others and apologizes when things they do or say adds to institutionalized violence?

I honestly don’t know the answer to all those questions. But to me, it is important for people to be able to express themselves however they see fit. I don’t really know how I feel about hate speech. I suppose it depends on the context for me. But when it comes right down to it, in the interest of fairness we, as a people, simply cannot allow one group carte blanche to speak their mind regardless of who it offends because we agree with them or feel they are right, and then deny another group the right to even have an opinion because we disagree or feel they’re wrong. That makes some people uncomfortable, but even middle ground is offensive to someone.

Bottom line, I guess, is we disagree. I think the joke is funny. You find it offensive. We agree on one thing, though. Freedom of speech really does show you who the asshats are.