After being bombarded by numerous diet commercials, I have decided to introduce the one and only guaranteed way to lose all the weight you possibly can. Best thing of all is there are no side effects from this diet. How is this possible? Because once you’re dead there are no more effects to worry about. People all over the world have been using this diet for years. Michal Jackson is using it as we speak.

There is a very similar diet to this one and it works even faster. It’s called the man eater diet. Timothy Tredwell and his girlfriend used this diet with a bear. Every year someone uses this diet when surfing in shark infested waters. Even our friends the alligators help people use this diet. This diet unfortunately does have side effects. Things like missing limbs, high amounts of pain, blood loss and emotional trauma.

If these aren’t the solutions you are looking for and you’ve tried things to decrease the size of your stomach and that didn’t work. Then how about having your stomach removed completely. No longer will your body absorb all those nasty calories and fats. Your body won’t even be able to absorb most of the nutrients it needs. Granted you will likely become constipated and have to constantly empty your bowels by hand, and I expect it will probably hurt like a mother fucker. But at least you’ll lose the weight.

Another way to lose weight is to become sick. Yes becoming deathly ill can have you sweating those pounds away. Various bacteria and parasites can assist you in this endeavor. Since I don’t know what bacteria would help, I will name parasites, like tape worms, ring worms, and lots of other worms that eat the food you need from inside your body. Granted they don’t always stay in your stomach or intestines. But what possible harm can parasites do to you when they’re swimming around in your muscle tissue or even brains.

Yet another way to lose weight is to get a serious drug addiction. Meth, for instance, will turn you into a paranoid person, boarded up in a house with booby traps and rotting teeth, since you cannot properly salivate. Also this has been proven to help people lose weight. This is probably, largely in part, because the user of this drug spends more time trying to get another fix of the drug, or cleaning obsessively to get rid of imaginary bugs.

Now, if anyone reads this and takes me at all serious, or actually tries any of these things intentionally to lose weight, then I promise that, chances are, no one will have sex with you, and the people most likely to have sex with you, you wouldn’t want. If you think this is too negative, then you probably haven’t been as annoyed by the diet commercials on TV as I am. Maybe I shouldn’t be so annoyed with them. But it seems to me that diets, of whatever form, are just as easy to get people to buy as big dick pills. Since, I know for sure that none of them will work for everyone, I decided to write this up as an absolute way for anyone to lose weight. Most of these will result in death, especially since the first requires being dead to lose the weight.

I personally don’t follow the news on diets, and what so called doctors say is best. Because I am sure that most of them are full of shit. When they say one thing one year, and the opposite the next year, it becomes obvious that they really don’t know what they are talking about. Another thing that can be annoying, is that there are plenty of diet drinks that don’t even go through the approval process. This is probably because they know that they will never pass, and that people are desperate enough to buy them anyway. I know that most, if not all, big dick pills never go through government approval.

So all I am saying is, if you are thinking about trying a diet pill, drink, or plan. Do some research, and find out if the damn thing was actually approved by the FDA. Find out if any of the so called doctors actually are doctors. Anyone can throw some shit together and make a claim. If they are lying then hopefully they will be closed down eventually. But in the mean time, they will continue to fuck people. Try not to be one of them.

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