I’m sure we’ll all familiar with the weight obsession in our society today. Watch TV, surf the web, read magazines, or go to the store and you’ll come across a million ads telling you how to lose weight, and be sexy. Every health and fitness website is dedicated to those trying to lose weight. EdenCafe is full of articles written about plus-sized or larger bodied women learning to love their bodies and see themselves as beautiful. The media portrays skinny as sexy, provided you aren’t too skinny. Being thin is ‘glamourous’, and so many women are obsessed with losing weight, dress sizes, inches, and being liberated from feeling ‘fat’. When I see these ads, they usually feature normal sized women, not women of the big and beautiful variety. Well, what happens when you are one of those ‘skinny’ girls that everyone is obsessed with becoming? What if you’d rather be the opposite?

I’m a meager 5’4” tall, and I range anywhere from 100-105 lbs. on a good day. There have been a few times I’ve weighed even less than 100. Yes, I’m underweight. To actually be a healthy weight for my frame size, I’d have to gain 15-20 solid pounds and be able to keep them on. Now, I’m not one of those ‘toothpick’ looking girls with bony arms and legs. I have curves, just small ones. I have a super bony butt, and I realize this most when I sit on a hard surface for an extended period of time and end up bruised. Bathtubs are never comfortable for me. I wear a 32B sized bra, XS or XXS in shirts, and a size 0 in pants. In fact, I even own things in a 00 short. It doesn’t get much smaller than that, and sometimes even these are too big for me.

A lot of women might think “You’re so lucky! I wish I was that small!” They tell me how skinny I am. Since when was skinny a good thing? I mean, when I think of the word ‘skinny’, I think ‘unhealthy’. People often make comments about how I need to go ‘eat something’, ‘eat a steak’, or ask “Do you ever eat?” No, I’m not anorexic. Screw you for asking. I eat pretty healthy, but I’ve been known to gorge myself of jars of peanut butter and a loaf of bread. No, it’s not a binge and purge situation. It’s me hoping it goes straight to my ass, and hopefully stops at my boobs on the way there. Hell, if it wants to go straight to my hips and thighs, it can go right ahead. You don’t see people walking around remarking how ‘fat’ other people look right to their face. I kinda feel that way when people call me ‘skinny’ or remark on my weight in any similar manner. It doesn’t help that even my guy friends and a few ex-boyfriends have commented on my weight saying “You’re nothing but back and legs!” and “You’ve got the body of a 12-year-old boy!”

Sadly, I had become insecure and uncomfortable with being so skinny. I get depressed when shopping for lingerie because I know it probably won’t fit me. They make tons of it for plus sized women, but hardly anything for petite women. I want so much to have a closet full of slinky negligées so I can feel ultra-feminine and sexy. I want thigh-highs that stay up and hug my legs. I want corsets that make me look busty instead of flat-chested. Hell, I’d even love to be able to shop in Victoria’s Secret, but even their XS panties end up baggy and falling off of me. I’ve got a few things, but not many. The couple of corsets I own are loose even when they are tied up as much as they can go, and slightly bunched up in the back. Recently, I acquired a corset from Coquette that I could lace up with room to spare and have it fit super tight. It was the first time that had ever happened to me. After that, I got a little more hopeful.

Not much attention is given to women who feel as if they’re too thin. Most people who haven’t had to deal with being underweight just think that us skinny women are lucky and should be happy about it. I’m not. At 105 today, I feel better than I have in the past, but I could stand to gain a few pounds. I’ve pretty much given up on being able to gain much more, because I’ve tried just about everything. I actually went to see a psychiatrist for my overall depression, and I told her about my issues with my weight. She prescribed me an anti-depressant and glorified the fact that it was ‘weight-neutral’ like I was concerned about gaining weight. (But wait . . . I wanted to gain weight. I don’t care if what you put me on makes me gain 30 pounds!) Then, she put me on a stimulant medication, and I lost even more weight. I think I got down to less than 95 pounds. I haven’t weighed that little since I was in the fifth grade. I was completely disgusted with the way I looked. Instead of cleavage, you could see the bones in my sternum and my ribs. It’s hard to feel feminine when you look in the mirror and see a walking skeleton. I quit the medication after a month, and I’ve managed to gain most of the weight back.

I recently went shopping with a good friend of mine. She’s a curvy girl, has some meat on her bones, is voluptuous, or however you want to phrase it. We went into a couple other stores in the mall that day. I’d make my rounds in the clearance racks, keeping an eye out for the smallest size I could find. I discussed different items with her, asking her if she saw any in a size smaller. I ended up finding an XS top and 00 short pants and still hoped they’d be small enough to fit. Then, while wandering from one store to another in search of fishnets and a corset or bustier, she realized how hard it was for me to find lingerie. I swear we went to 10 different stores all around town until I could find thigh-highs that were small enough for me. I managed to find a beautiful bustier in my favorite color. It was also a 32B. (Finding such a small bra size is like finding a needle in a haystack. How would you feel if you had to shop in the training bra section to find something that you know would fit?) I was super excited, ran home to try it on. I finally got the last hook together. I looked in the mirror and it looked like I was a little girl wearing her mom’s lingerie. The bustier, despite being my size and the smallest one they make, was supposed to be stretchy, but ended up hanging off me. It gapped up under my arms, the bra of it had more space than breast in it. I was immediately disheartened and told my friend of my troubles, and she said she had never even considered what it must be like to be too small for things. For once, it seemed that someone understood just how difficult it was to shop when you’re a skinny girl.

I’m finally coming to terms with my weight. I’ll never be super curvy. I’ll never have a lot of junk in my trunk and a nice rack. (I refuse to get plastic surgery for any reason.) I’ll probably always be thin. The key to me accepting this has been actually finding lingerie that fits. There are a small number of lingerie brands than keep girls like me in mind. The lesson here is that even skinny girls aren’t always happy with their bodies. As long as you’re healthy, love yourself and your body, no matter what size you are.