The No-Guilt Notebook
Posted by AndroAngel
Communication is a pretty universally accepted ingredient in a healthy relationship. Even couples who’ve been together for a long time or who know each other well sometimes have things they need to tell their partners that they’ve learned about themselves. Sometimes, though, it isn’t an easy subject to broach, especially if it’s something you haven’t fully come to terms with yourself, or something you think might make your partner uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s just a surprising revelation you’re just nervous to make, such as a sudden interest in BDSM in a previously vanilla relationship, or a desire to try something new and much different than what you’ve tried before. Maybe you just need a place to put down what you’re thinking so you have a chance to edit what you want to say, and really think it through so it doesn’t come out wrong. Maybe you need the same thing I did, a “No-Guilt” notebook.
A no-guilt notebook is a place to write down confessions, fantasies, and desires that you want to share with your partner, no matter if they’re sexual in nature or related to something that comes up in everyday casual activities. It can be anything from the most harmless to the things you’re most ashamed of. The goal of the no-guilt notebook is to allow you time to think out what you want to say and how you want to say it, and to allow your partner time to read and process what you have to say. The reason I call it the no- guilt notebook is because while there are bound to be some things you or your partner find unacceptable, in order for the notebook to work the person for whom the notes are intended must approach each note with a level head and an open mind. The point is to open negotiations. Not every desire will be fulfilled, and some confessions will still cause pain and confusion, but often it is easier for both parties when it’s written out plainly in pen and ink. Reading often gives the partner receiving the confessions time to process without blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, which can be extremely helpful when that first thing might be hurtful.
The no-guilt notebook can be a place to figure out your own desires as well. You might get started on a tangent in its pages, and in following that train of thought to its logical conclusion, you might make some discoveries about yourself. For instance, I’ve made quite a few observations by writing things down that I might not have ever realized about myself. I figured out that I’m interested in pet play by following a train of thought that started with a fantasy to its conclusion.
Not everything that goes into the notebook has to be bad. It’s meant as a place to write down things that might not come up in casual conversation. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had came about as a result of the no-guilt notebook, because I wrote down my desires, and it turned out my lover shared quite a few. Ninety percent of what I write in the no-guilt notebook is either neutral or positive. Sometimes I just take a page to tell my lover what he did that I really enjoyed in bed. Sometimes I’ll describe a dream vacation, or a fantasy night of pleasure. Occasionally I’ll confess a realization I had about myself, and sometimes it’s just me writing down something I thought of to try that I didn’t want to forget.
It’s important to keep the no-guilt notebook positive. Never accuse, point fingers, or redirect blame. Present information in a matter of fact manner. If you have something negative to say, present it in a sentence that begins with “I”. Never say “You failed to satisfy me with activity x”, instead say “I didn’t enjoy activity x”. If you want to spice things up, suggest activities you’d like to try, rather than suggesting the activities you already do are boring. It shouldn’t be aimed at making them feel bad. It should make you both feel good.
The no-guilt notebook should be kept somewhere that it’s easy to pick up and read. I keep mine in a bedside drawer, and my lover is welcome to read it any time. Your lover should want to read it. It should open up conversations. Nothing in the no-guilt notebook is a definitive statement. There are no “we will do this” or “you will do this” statements. There are no ultimatums. There are no lists of demands. Lucid fantasies are highly encouraged. In fact, it’s best to explain in as much detail as possible why you like something, or why you did or want something. The more you can explain your train of thought, the easier it’ll be for your partner to understand.
Something else that is fun to do with a no-guilt notebook is to include one or two sentence fantasies or fun confessions. Be honest, tell your partner something you find sexy about them, or an activity you really enjoy. The no-guilt notebook is an excellent place to tell them how beautiful or handsome you find them, how much you appreciate them, or even how much you enjoy the little things that they do that make life easier.
It’s also good to go back and reread your own no-guilt notebook. Learn from your mistakes, and revel in your fantasies. It can be fun to remember what you were thinking when you wrote out a fantasy, and remember what it was like when it finally came to be. Going back and having conversations about the same things at a later time can leave room for changing world views and opinions. A fantasy your partner wasn’t comfortable with a year ago can become something they’re willing to try. Having your own changing fantasies and world views at your fingertips can teach you a lot about the person you were and the person you’re becoming as well. Sometimes the no-guilt notebook just serves as a reminder that we’re perpetually learning and growing, and so is our partner. The fact that people change and mature is something that’s important to remember in every relationship, and writing down your dreams, ambitions, fears, and desires can help you grow together rather than apart.
The no-guilt notebook is by no means a solution. It can’t fix everything, and it isn’t a magical secret to a perfect relationship, but it can make having the conversations you need to have to keep your relationship healthy a little easier. It opens the lines of communication, but by no means should it be the only line of communication. Think about the no-guilt notebook next time you’re in the store, decide if it might help you express yourself a little easier. If you think it might, pick up a notebook and a pen and start sharing your thoughts with your partner. Encourage them to do the same. It might help, it might not, but what’s the harm of adding another line of communication into your life?
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