The Hard Way: Happiness is a Do It Yourself Project

Posted by AdrianacloseAuthor: Adriana Name:
Email: adriana@ofsexandlove.com
Site: http://ofsexandlove.com
About: Adriana is a young married woman and, most of the time, she enjoys it that way. What time she isn’t spending doting on her cats or bugging her husband, is spent doting on her countless blogs (where she tends to be a little too picky and a little too blunt) and lusting over sex toys. She enjoys reading, Sci-fi television and webcomics as well; it wouldn’t be entirely inappropriate to call her a geek. Website: http://ofsexandlove.comSee Authors Posts (17)

Although my life has not always been easy, it seems as though I have constantly been plagued by unhappiness. It is only recently that I have realized happiness is a choice that we make, something which comes from within us as opposed to something which we glean from external forces. Indeed, sometimes we must choose to be happy despite our situations and the opposition we face. If I had known this all along, I would have appreciated what I had instead of taking it for granted (for years to top it off). Although, some of that was surely teenage hormones, I was not consciously making the choice to be happy and, by failing to do so, become a saboteur of my own happiness.

With this newfound knowledge, I can look back on my life and view it in a far less critical perspective than I had at the time. I feel a tinge of regret for not holding my life, myself, my friends and my family in a higher esteem and, instead, choosing to focus on the negatives (not having a father, our financial situation, the death of my sister). I never once thought to recognize and appreciate the positive aspects (having a loving and supportive friends and family, a roof over my head and doing well in school). By being proactive about my own happiness, I might have even been able to find more satisfaction in the most mundane of tasks (who loves cleaning anyway)?; although, it is more likely I would have at least kept grumbling to the minimum when washing the dishes or doing the laundry. Instead, I let myself fall victim to the world, a world which surely is not looking out for me because only I can do that.

The result of this was a lingering, albeit mild, depression that I never really quite worked up the guts to deal with. My life never seemed ridiculously tragic but my days were usually bleak while I was operating just under healthy conditions. I had been taking the people and things in my life that could have been giving me satisfaction, for granted for far too long and this is partially the reason that my husband was unhappy in our relationship. Now that I have come to this realization, I have made it my goal to take control of my own happiness because I realize that no one or nothing else can truly make me happy but me. Despite my current situation and the frustrations which have arisen from it, I am still happier than I otherwise would have been when I was shirking responsibility for my own happiness. Now, everything seems a little brighter, the future seems a little more optimistic if not unsure (although, I am not an optimist really) and I can fall asleep at night knowing that I do have a say in my life even if sometimes I will be a leaf in the wind to luck or timing.

I would not be honest if I were to try to tell you that making this change is easy, even though I know it if for the best, especially when you consider that it took my husband wanting to end our marriage for me to open my eyes. There are minutes and hours and sometimes even entire days when I would much rather play the victim and blame my feelings on things that are happening to me, instead of recognizing that while I cannot control everything, I do have power over the way I view and react to outside influences. It is much easier to give up in the face of diversity and perhaps that is why so many people do is so frequently but I have also come to appreciate that what is easy is rarely right. And I would much rather set a difficult goal knowing that it is right for myself, than aim low but continue to be miserable with no one to fault but myself.

It is definitely easier at some times than others to recognize and then put a stop to destructive though processes. Sometimes it is takes every bit of will power I possess to replace a negative thought with a positive one and there are times when all I can do is replace the thoughts with an “at least”. More often than not, I have to repeat the positive thoughts in my head like a mantra until I can force myself to believe them. My brain is probably printed with phrases like “At least I have dishes to wash and food to eat off them” or “At least my husband is talking to me at all”. They are phrases which I need to remember and instill into myself, regardless.

Yet, I have found that even making a goal (however I may stumble on the journey of reaching it) has buoyed my spirits unexpectedly. It has been so long since I had a worthy goal that I feel rejuvenated and that has had a twofold effect. Not only have my initial efforts to improve my perspective been a little easier because of this sudden realization but my elevated spirits alone can help when I am in an especially deep thought rut. The initial high has started to fade and I have noticed it takes more out of me or it takes longer for me to stop a negative or unproductive train of thought than it did when I first set off on this journey but I am still hopeful. After all, hope is one of the more important ingredients when it comes to taking control of one’s own happiness.

I have developed a night time ritual in which I search for inspiring quotes about happiness, perspective and responsibility to encourage my progress and keep the goal fresh in my mind. It is touching to know that other (and usually much brighter and deserving) minds have shared the same struggles and come to the same conclusions. Before I fall asleep, I send off these helpful tidbits about happiness to Twitter in as much of an effort to enlighten others as myself.