Quick! How many people have you slept with? One? Ten? Twenty? More than that? How do you feel about that? Do you wish it was more? Less? Chances are, you’re going to fall somewhere between one and twenty. The average lifetime number of sexual partners of men and women is usually less than ten. Are you average? Above it?

The number of sexual partners a person has is usually secretive information only shared with a select few people. It’s not something that many of us are willing to talk about openly. It’s something we only share with a select few people that we really trust. Sometimes, even telling a doctor can be an uncomfortable experience. When you’re dating someone new, or even if you’ve been with them for quite a while, you often wonder about their sexual history. How many people have they been with? Who were they? What was it like? We tend to trust that people are telling us the truth when they finally disclose their “magic number”. I remember watching a video once where advice was given that every woman should tell their partner that they’ve slept with five people because they should come off as if they have experience, but that they’re not “loose” or “easy”. What if I told you that I’ve stopped counting, and that I estimate that it’s somewhere around 75? Would you think any less of me? Would you consider me a “slut”? I’ve only met two people who were anywhere around the number I am at. Neither one of these people felt any shame about it, even though such a high number can seem outrageous to most people.

My number of sexual partners is never something I’ll lie to anyone about. I always openly volunteer this knowledge to anyone who should need to know it. It’s not something I keep a secret, or even wait to tell. I understand that this is a hard thing for many people to wrap their brains around. I’ve been having sex for 10 years. That means that I average about 7.5 people a year, or one every month and a half. Most people I’ve shared this information with don’t ever seem to judge me because of it. Why? I present myself as a woman of self-respect. I won’t just sleep with anyone and everyone. I don’t go out looking for it. I’m ethical about it (for the majority of the time). I know what my priorities are. You’ll never catch me out wearing super revealing clothing. In fact, I feel like wearing shorts and a tank top is a little too revealing for my personal comfort. I feel that people who truly know me see that I have self-respect, and that I’m just enjoying myself instead of sleeping with anyone who will have me.

How did that number get so high? When I tally up my sexual partners, I only really consider the men I’ve slept with. If I counted the women, that number would be a lot higher. I’ve only been in two relationships that lasted more than two months. Those two finally fell apart around the one year mark. Unlike most people my age, I haven’t had a multiple year relationship. I had a four year period where I didn’t really date anyone in a serious manner. This time frame also lined up with my college experience. When you’re young, you want to experience the world, right? In that period of time, I was just having fun. I would casually date people for about a month or so, and then move on to the next person. That whole “every month and a half” thing makes a little sense now, doesn’t it?

I’m not the type of girl to sleep with just anyone. In fact, sex really isn’t my main goal in my encounters. I’m one of those people who enjoys the novelty of things. I get a huge turn-on from the feeling of exploring unknown territory. I go nuts over first kisses and being naked in front of someone for the first time. I love how different kinds of people touch me in different ways. I love experiencing new things with different people. To sleep with someone new, I need to feel that there is an undeniable amount of chemistry, and I need some sort of connection to be there. I don’t do it for attention. I don’t do it for half-hearted affection. I don’t do it to get something I want from the other person. I do it because it’s what I want to do. I don’t try to put reigns on my desire. I like to give in to how natural everything is, and experience it as that. What ever happened to “free love”?

I can say that I have more experience than most people have ever dreamt of having. I’ve had just about every kind of sex there is to have. I’ve had obnoxiously drunk and clumsy sex. I’ve had very intense and sensual sex. I’ve had very passionate sex with someone I love. I’ve had casual morning sex. I’ve had one night stands. I’ve had really bad sex, and I’ve had mind-blowingly good sex. A lot of the time, I value my multitude of different experiences, because now I know exactly what I like, and I won’t ever have to wonder what someone else is like. When I’m in a relationship, I never feel the need to go looking for other people. In fact, my desire for other people has diminished as experience has grown. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to only have slept with one person for many years. I wonder if the desire is ever there to see what else is out there. I wonder if people on that side of the spectrum often wonder what it’s like to be in my shoes.

Do I regret all of this? Most of the time, no. When I do start to feel bad about it, I often realize that me feeling bad about it is because of the views society has on sexuality, and the double standard that exists even though we try not to think about it. There was a while where I was slightly ashamed of my past, but I try to look past that. Yes, sex is something that is sacred. When I’m with someone I truly love, that’s how I see it. Sex with someone I’m deeply in love with is on a whole different level. I have fewer boundaries. There are things I save for someone I love, and things I’m not willing to do in a casual situation. I’m much more open when there’s a high level of intimacy. When you’ve been with quite a few people, you realize that there is a novelty aspect of some people, and then there is a familiarity aspect of others. It’s a lot like moving into a new house. When you first move in, you get excited by how new everything is. When you’ve lived in a house for years, you get comfortable there and know that that place is your own.

Isn’t “promiscuity” a risky behavior? Yes, but only when it’s not done right. I always make sure to play it safe, and I haven’t had any serious consequences from my behavior. I do consider myself to be lucky, but I know that my luck is because of my safety. What I’m writing isn’t about that, though. We all know the consequences of unsafe sex.

As long as you’re being safe about things, and respectful of yourself and others, you should never feel guilty about expressing yourself and your desires in a sexual manner. It’s high time to drop the shame that comes along with sexuality. As a society, I really feel like we’re holding on to outdated beliefs about saving yourself and your body for marriage. It’s a highly respectful decision if you do, but it shouldn’t be the only “right” way of doing things. It seems like exploring your sexuality with several different people makes you “ruined” in some sort of way. I can tell you that I don’t feel like that, and I don’t think anyone else out there should. Take it from the girl with many lovers, sex is nothing to be ashamed of.

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