Some women are born naturally dominant. Some learn to be dominant. In my case, it was a little from column A and a lot from column B. The skills I am going to discuss in this article apply to BD/SM Tops and Dominants of all genders, but these tips are geared towards “lifestyle” female Dominants (women who are dominant for their own pleasure, in a non-professional setting), or women who are curious about dominating their partner(s) but don’t know how to get started. I’ve observed that lifestyle female Dominants seem to be a minority in BD/SM communities (largely for reasons I discussed in my previous article, “Coming Into Power, Sort Of.”) American women are generally discouraged from taking dominant roles in our society (think of the negative stereotypes of the “nagging wife” or “bitchy boss”), so domination can feel sometimes feel unnatural or intimidating, even if the desire is there. I’m a BD/SM switch, and I’ve always found bottoming to be a lot easier than topping, as bottoming feels very natural and pleasurable for me. In the past few years I’ve developed a strong desire to become a good top as well, and I’ve learned many lessons by trial and error. It’s been a sometimes frustrating but also extremely rewarding process. These are some of factors I discovered to be fundamental to success. I call them the “Four Cs:”

1. Confidence: I’ve gained a lot more confidence as I’ve gotten older. Once upon a time, the idea of handling a classroom full of rowdy children, teaching educational workshops to adults, and appearing poised and eloquent during a television interview would have made me break out in a cold sweat. But now that I’ve done all of these things (and succeeded!), I have the sort of confidence that can only come from accepting challenges, taking risks, and believing in yourself. Running a scene as a Dominant (especially in a public setting like a dungeon or play party) takes a lot of confidence in order to overcome performance anxiety, assume a role of power, and have your play go smoothly.

Confidence is also necessary to master the sometimes dangerous tools and toys we use during play. Pro-Dommes usually receive training and are mentored by other Dommes if they work within a dungeon setting. Non-pro lifestyle Dommes may not have this sort of mentor readily available in their life (though it doesn’t hurt to seek one out!) You can learn skills from workshops, classes, attending conferences, reading books, and being mentored by experienced people in your local BD/SM community (if you have one). You can practice skills like flogging or caning on a pillow, or if you’re lucky, find a friend who will let you “practice” on them in a low-pressure way. Better yet, try your toys on yourself, so you know what they feel like before using them on someone else. The first time I used a flogger on someone, I was terrified. It was a high pressure situation (I was being coached by a famous female Dominant). I had performance anxiety, and I was scared of accidentally hurting my bottom due to my lack of experience. My solution was to buy a very soft and lightweight rabbit skin flogger that is almost impossible to cause injury, and use that to perfect my swing until I had the technique down. (It makes a satisfyingly loud noise in spite of being so gentle, and is great for using during sensual play, as well.) Once you’re confident in your skills, you’ll be surprised by how comfortable you will feel in a dominant role!

2. Communication: Negotiation, setting boundaries and limits, safe words, and checking in during and after a scene are all crucial when you start playing with someone new. Unfortunately, communication can sometimes feel inconvenient or challenging “in the heat of the moment.” Think of it as verbal safer sex! Any bottom who tells you they have “no limits” is not being honest with you, and things can go very wrong if your bottom won’t communicate that you’ve crossed the line. Until you’ve established a strong relationship with someone and have a clear idea what their limits and desires are, you are going to need some extra communication. This includes negotiating ahead of time: Do they have any injuries or health problems? Have they eaten and are well hydrated? What are both parties seeking to gain from this scene? Does this scene have a sexual element, or is it purely BD/SM? It’s important to discuss these things in advance, but it’s inevitable that there’s something you’ll forget to ask. Although some people dislike “checking in” during play because it disturbs the energy of the scene, but sometimes it’s better to ask if you’re unsure about something.

3. Creativity: A big aspect of learning dominance is to try different things, discover what you like, find out what your partner likes, and use this knowledge to develop a satisfying scene. This may require rethinking your preconceived notions of female dominance. A male Dominant friend admitted that he had not performed cunnilingus in over a year (even though he enjoys it) because it’s “not a dominant act.” I disagree. It’s all in how it’s presented. For example, what if you enjoy receiving penetration (a traditionally “submissive” act) but want to maintain your Dominant role? You could always invest in a face harness for your sub, or having your sub penetrate you with a strap on as a form of orgasm denial. It’s all about thinking outside the box (or inside the box, as it may be!)

Creativity also means applying ingenuity with the tools you use, and the scenarios you devise. It’s wonderful to own a collection of expensive whips, floggers and crops, but there are so many household objects that are inexpensive and work very well for play, such as saran wrap (for mummification), nylon rope, clothespins, wooden spoons, ice, even toothpicks (for poking a blindfolded victim!) Why not visit a dollar store, hardware store, etc. and see how many “pervertables” you can find? One of my favorite toys is a cardboard tube I got for free- it’s great for beating people!

4. Connection: BD/SM can be like a complex dance with a leader and follower. When you are in tune with your partner, a scene will flow effortlessly and naturally, and can become a hypnotic altered state for top and bottom alike. But sometimes we can get out of sync with our partners. Maybe one of you is having a bad day, struggling with difficult emotions, or simply just not in the mood. This is when communication and trust is extra important so that all parties feel comfortable expressing how they feel at a given moment. Taking time to get grounded with each other before and after a scene (aftercare) can help you get in tune with your partner’s headspace.

Of course, these skill sets aren’t the only elements of successful female dominance, but they’re a good place to start. If you have any other suggestions, I encourage you to leave them in the comments!