It’s almost upon us, the conference season. Events are being planned or are in the final stages all across North America, and sitting here today looking at my own rather hectic schedule I had a flashback to the very first three day conference I went to.

I did everything wrong.

To start with I took a trip to a state very far from my own instead of scouting out an event a little closer. I went alone, and when I got there I knew not one single soul. That was my first mistake.

The second was, I went into the bathroom at the airport and changed into a slinky little number and stilettos before dashing for ground transportation where I discovered my third mistake. I had not done my research, so imagine my dismay when the woman at the desk informed me that the event was nearly twenty five miles from the airport. I took the shuttle. I spent two hours crammed into a van with people who were busy trying not to say out loud that I looked like a hooker while giving me looks that let me know in no uncertain terms that they thought I was a hooker.

Mistake number four: I walked through the lobby, spotted a guy standing next to a cart, saw that he was wearing shredded jeans and a black t-shirt and automatically assumed he was one of us. Well, he wasn’t, he was a guy who happened to be in town for a Christian concert.

Mistake number five came about when I went to my room and decided that the vendor area would be a great place to hang out and meet new people. It is actually, but most vendors would rather not have you standing in front of their booth attempting to talk to every single person who happens to like the same toys you like used on you.

I somehow managed to be so goofy and clumsy that a few folks took pity on me and herded me, none too gently, into the social area. I met a lot of people in there, but committed a major gaffe when I saw this sparkly shiny collar around a woman’s neck and got a bit too close trying to examine it. (I am rather like a crow that way.) Mistake number six—I forgot that collars, no matter how intricate or elaborate or just damn unusual are still collars, and you never get close to someone’s collar. As territorial as I am about my own I think maybe I should say that twice, but you get that point. Mistake number six, now let’s move on.

I wanted to attend a class on needles. Keep in mind that this was over a decade ago, and classes in edgy things like needles etc. were just starting to surface in the smaller groups that I was used to attending. So I ran into the classroom, which was packed to the rafters, and looked around frantically for a seat. There were none, so I stood against the wall. I could see the demo bottom and the needles very well from where I stood, too well. I got woozy and nearly fainted. I staggered out of the classroom, in and of itself no great wrong, it happens a lot in fact. But instead of simply leaving the spot, I decided the best way to shuck off the shame was to stand in the hallway yelling about how damnably hot it was in there. A monitor had to come take me aside and ask me to keep it down. Mistake seven. Really I don’t know why they didn’t just ask me to leave the whole damn shebang at that point.

I went to my room, stripped down and fell asleep. When I woke up it was after midnight. I got up, took a shower and ate a pack of crackers and a Diet Coke from the vending machine for a late dinner. Mistake eight.

I didn’t go to the play party that night, so when I woke up the next morning I was determined to make up for that loss of time. Mistake number nine. I crammed in as many classes as I could that day, brutally determined to get my money’s worth from that con. I socialized my fool head off. No where in that frenzied whirl did I stop to eat, or really drink anything except the two cups of hotel coffee I had had that morning. Mistake number ten.

My eleventh faux pas was to pick up a play partner and go gung ho in the playspace with them. I didn’t know them, and they didn’t know me. It never occurred to me to inform them that I giggle when hit; it’s the way I process. They figured I was not really feeling it. The result was me finally screaming red and going upstairs to soak my furiously blushing behind in a cold tub.

I woke up several hours later dizzy and violently ill. I fell, literally, out of the bed and lurched out into the hallway to the vending machines. I needed food, and I needed it right then. I wound up eating a huge cinnamon bun in the vending alcove, just cramming it in, while people walking by stared at me. When asked, I said I was fine. Mistake number twelve.

I was so sick Sunday I could barely move. I dragged myself to classes just because I didn’t want to miss out on any part of the experience, not realizing that I was not getting anything out of the experience. I would have been better off resting for a few more hours, eating sensibly and then going to a class or two. Mistake thirteen.

My last mistake came Monday afternoon while I was sitting at my desk at work. I began to cry, for no reason at all. My mood then switched and I began to giggle. Mistake fourteen: I never took into account that con drop is as serious as sub drop and requires just as much attention.

So there you have it. That is all the things that I did wrong. You can likely figure out for yourselves which of those you don’t want to repeat.

See you out there!