The Elusive O

Posted by SmokedawgcloseAuthor: Smokedawg Name:
Email: quasi.jeff@gmail.com
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Ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about orgasms. No, not the guys’ orgasms—the women’s. I mean, while nature made it terribly unfair to men that women can have multiple orgasms, often with very little rest required—and men have that fucking refractory period that can be hours upon hours long, especially as we get older—the fact is, that it’s generally not very difficult for men to come.

I don’t hear about large numbers of men unable to orgasm via the act of penile penetration of a woman, or while being sucked off or given a vigorous hand job. While we may like to use various toys at times, like prostate vibrators or masturbation sleeves, we don’t generally need the tools, though many women do. So I think we need to give some thought and attention to making sure our women really are experience la petit morte—the big O—you know, coming for real.

First, before I start throwing around tips, pontificating and being snarky, let’s go through some facts and figures about the female orgasm, which is a more elusive creature than many people think—especially the men who often have female partners faking orgasms to spare the fragile male egos and/or put an end to an unsatisfying sex session so they can sneak a tryst with a vibrator.

Oh, sorry, the snark slipped in already. What can I say? It’s reflex.

Anyway, those numbers…

Apparently, something like 75 percent of women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone, meaning the dick isn’t enough, and at some point, sex toys, fingers, tongue and/or other aids will be needed to help Mr. Happy get the job done. As disheartening as that figure is, it gets worse: Studies also say that between 10 percent and 15 percent of women never achieve climax at all, no matter what you do.

Also, in a recent research of young adults’ sexual experiences and feelings, by Galinsky and Sonenstein, it was found that nine out of 10 men in the study of young adults aged 19 to 25 experienced an orgasm most or all of the time, while just under half (about 47 percent) of the women in the study had an orgasm during a couple’s sexual relations.

Just one more number: According to research presented in a 1999 article in the Journal of the American Medical Association, 25 percent of women have problems achieving orgasm or can’t climax at all.

Depressing, right?

Well, it’s depressing for a lot of women, and it should be depressing for the men, too. Unless they’re hard-core dominant master types who specialize in orgasm denial anyway, or heartless and self-centered bastards.

Now, as a journalist with more than two decades of experience under my belt, I distrust statistics. They are too easily fudged or twisted at times, which is why Mark Twain (I think it was him) once said something to the effect of, “There are three kinds of lies in the world: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”

I don’t refute that many women, and perhaps most of them, have trouble climaxing, especially if the guy is pretty much just relying on his cock to do the job. However, I do wonder about the notion that one in 10 women—perhaps a little more than that—can’t ever climax. It seems a bit unlikely to me. The fact that they haven’t yet achieved orgasm, I would suspect, simply means they have some kind of mental block (anxiety is a sonofabitch) and/or haven’t explored enough types of stimulation or places to stimulate to get to the orgasm.

In any case, it’s a sad situation when one person in the sexual scenario is left out of having a release. Sure, sex isn’t always about the orgasm. I’ve had many encounters with my wife in the bedroom, or on the floor, or in a kiddie wading pool that ended with me not coming, but still having enjoyed many pleasurable feelings and much satisfaction. But the startling elusiveness of orgasms for women is a serious problem, and one that we need to take seriously in our relationships, whether they’re one-night stands or lifelong commitments.

Now, my first piece of advice is for the women, and it’s not, “Just relax, baby.” No, it’s this…

…stop faking orgasms.

Seriously. If you’ve ever faked, stop it now. If you’re considering faking, don’t do it. Don’t. Worst idea ever if you want to have any real ones.

I know the reasons why women fake orgasms. Sometimes it’s because they think there’s something wrong with them, and they’re ashamed. Sometimes it’s because they don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings. Sometimes it’s because they’re tired of being pounded in the pelvic area and just want to end things before they end up bruised and aching down there, with nothing pleasurable to show for the discomfort. Or it might be some sort of combination of the above.

But, while I understand the reasons, I cannot condone them. If you fake, the guy thinks he’s doing good in bed, and will keep doing the same things that already don’t get you climaxing. This is a zero-sum game for both of you. The longer you fake, the more chance you are going to make the guy really humiliated, angry, wounded or all three, if and when you finally do come clean. It’s just bad practice, ladies. Avoid faking the orgasm. Ever. And if you’re with a guy who can’t handle the truth or will be abusive to you for sharing it, you shouldn’t be with him to begin with. (And for God’s sake, men, please DO take such news without freaking out. The action movies tell us we’re supposed to be able to get back up after a flesh wound when we’re grazed by a bullet or clawed by some monster from the basement, so we ought to be able to handle the news that our penises are NOT magic orgasm machines.)

Second piece of advice is for both genders, and it follows from the previous point: Communicate, people. Talk about what turns you on, and tell your partner when they are doing something that feels good, so that you can train the person to keep doing that and to pick up new skills when they accidentally do something else that feels nice. Speak up. Or moan it if the situation calls for it. But share. No athlete ever got great without coaching, practice, and sometimes boring routines. So too does great sex require us to accept positive and negative feedback. Be constructive when criticizing, but don’t sugar-coat everything and just waddle along when things aren’t working. Because that leads to the same shit, in many cases, as the fake O’s do.

The rest of my advice is for the men, but stick around, ladies, as it’s always nice to get intelligence from the other side of the gender war…I mean, gender line.

Before I continue, a caveat and a credential.

The caveat is that while I’m about to dispense advice to the guys, I’ve only really had sex with one woman. Mind you, not by choice—it’s just I was a shy nerd who’d been shown nothing but rejection for a lot of years. I did have a girlfriend (who was dating me on the rebound) briefly before meeting the woman who would bust my cherry, and a couple years later become my wife, but I got anxiety the first time I tried to have sex with that rebound-girlfriend and couldn’t keep an erection, and before I got a chance to try again, she had reunited with her ex-boyfriend. (By the way, in defense of me, my sexual proficiency, and my ability to sport an erection as a younger man, there were two things working against me that first time. One, she had a pyscho, diaper-wearing dog who routinely tried to keep us apart during previous dates when I was busy with first and second base, and I’m pretty sure watching us with murderous fury as I finally attempted to mount his woman—by the way, when I woke up the next morning he had pissed on my clothes. Two, the woman had type 1 diabetes and had an insulin pump, which is essentially a pager-sized device attached to a tube with a needle at the end that is stuck into her abdomen. Now, you try keeping it hard your first time when faced with slightly intrusive medical equipment in the general area you plan on gyrating and thrusting—and said equipment is responsible for keeping the woman from going into glycemic shock and shit, and you’re wondering how you’re gonna give her an orgasm and not accidentally rip the tube out of her belly. Yeah, thought so…but I digress…)

Second, I have credentials to share with you. Sure, I might not have had sex with anyone before I met the woman who would become my wife, but I know how to please that woman, I have for a very long time, and she had plenty of raucous sex before I entered her life. And she has not faked an orgasm with me since the first month or so we were together (and we’re on year 14 of being married now), and even then she did it few enough times that you wouldn’t need all the fingers of a single hand to tally it up.

That’s right, guys: My wife doesn’t fake with me. Now, I realize that’s not the same as giving her an orgasm every time (there have been a few scattered occasions the “O” hasn’t happened because I wasn’t hitting the right spots, she was stressed out, or both, but even those nights are extremely rare, probably well under a dozen times over the entire 16-year relationship).

Before any women start chuckling to themselves and mutter, “Yeah, right, she never needs to fake it with you—sucker!”, let me point something out: My wife puts too much value on pride to fake it. By that I mean, she won’t cheapen her own sexual satisfaction by letting me off that easy, and she expects me to do my job well in bed (as she does herself with me), so she’s not going to let me get away with not finishing the task. If it really ain’t happening, she tells me it just ain’t happening for her, and she’d like me to stop so she can go to sleep already—or put me to work with my tongue instead. My wife is blunt and honest like that, God love her, and if she faked a couple times in our first month or two (and I wish she hadn’t done so at all), she did it only sporadically to keep my confidence up while she trained me to hit the right spots. (But next lifetime, Babe, just tell me what spots to hit, OK?)

So, I know what growing arousal sounds like, and what an orgasm sounds like (most importantly, I know it’s NOT like Meg Ryan’s scene in the diner in “When Harry Met Sally” or like most porn scenes). I know what an orgasm feels like when a woman is having one. (It’s hard to fake real spasms of pleasure, especially those inside the body—and it’s damn near impossible during oral with a guy who’s paying any amount of attention.) Problem is, that some guys don’t care to know, and some guys don’t pay attention to the woman because they’re too caught up in their own pleasure.

But I’ve made it a point of listening to the gasps and moans and hitches of breath from my wife, and to keep doing the things that make those things happen—as well as finding new ways to make them even more intense. I’ve made it a point to pay attention to her body language and know what things make her press her sex against me harder, or make her start to grab me harder and pull me closer.

So, am I an expert on all women? No, but I suspect a lot of what I’ve learned making my wife have some earth-shattering orgasms—especially in the past nine or 10 years—can help you, too.

It’s not about the size; it’s about the swizzle

You don’t pound your way to an orgasm, unless perhaps you’ve already done so much foreplay that the woman is on the verge when you enter her. I’m not saying women don’t like a good vigorous fuck—my wife certainly asks for them at times—but force alone isn’t going to do it, especially with the dearth of women who come from vaginal penetration alone. Size isn’t going to ensure success, either. Men, I routinely make my wife come during vaginal sex—and almost never having to use a vibrator or finger to help—and my junk is so average-sized I might as well tattoo “vanilla” or “plain oatmeal” on the side of it.

Now, I fully admit that my wife may simply be one of the “lucky ones” who is built to be able to orgasm vaginally. But whether or not she is, I still can say that a lot of it has to do with HOW I do the fucking. If your woman can’t come from vaginal penetration, she just can’t. But maybe, just maybe, the problem is that just about every other man she’s had (including perhaps you) thinks thrusting in and out like a piston is the peak of sexual skill.

Try positioning yourself a little higher up during missionary style, so that your belly is just a little higher than hers, so that when you go in and out, you’re also going up and down a bit and putting pressure higher up her vulva to stimulate that lovely clit, which is so often the secret to triggering the orgasm (I don’t know how to find a G-spot, and my wife has never asked me to look for hers—though I think I’ve hit her P-spot quite a few times…but that might be getting off topic).

Alone or in combination with the above, also go for a sort of dolphin-like “swimming motion” with up-and-down undulations as you slide in and out of her sex. Side-to-side probably won’t get you much, (though by all means, experiment) but up-and-down with the in-and-out should do wonders.

But, you know, for that extra “zip” try some swizzle. As in swizzle stick. As in, spiral. Gyrate. Circle that lovely vagina. At least half the time I’m inside my wife, I’m spiraling around inside to literally stir up the passions. Using round and round motions can be good, especially while doing things that cause you to press upward during penetration, as I described just a couple paragraphs ago. Look, you can probably walk and chew gum at the same time, or rub your belly with one hand as the other one pats your head. So you can probably combine two or three motions into one smooth synergistic one.

If you want to put in the effort, that is. C’mon, give it a try. Worst case scenario, you have to go to plan V.

V is for vibrator

The vibe isn’t your enemy, men. It’s not your replacement. It’s your ally. Perhaps even your savior—if your goal is to give an honest-to-God orgasm on a regular basis to your woman.

Now, I’m not saying you need a big-ass Hitachi wand or something. You don’t need some porn-star-sized realistic-looking penis with seven different vibration settings. A bullet vibe (whether you hold it, or she does, or it’s attached to a cock ring). An egg vibe. A more traditionally shaped vibrator.

If your lady suggests bringing in a vibrator to help, don’t be a wuss. Nod. Say “yes.” Encourage her to keep it around so it’s accessible any time you guys need it. You don’t get extra “man points” for being a dick about things and getting all prideful. The vibrator can’t cuddle her, take her to a movie, cook her some food, buy her clothes, or whatever makes y’all click together. The vibe isn’t competition; it’s your goddamn sidekick to help you be a superhero.

Maybe you don’t have a vibe, for whatever reason. Maybe the batteries are dead. Maybe your gal has vibrophobia, or dildophobia, or something. Maybe it’s just too damn hard for either or both of you to manage toys while getting busy with the screwing. And now, because of that, you (the guy) have come, and if the woman is smart and didn’t fake the orgasm, you know that only one of you has seen Nirvana tonight. Well, time to face your challenge head on. Or, perhaps, tongue on.

Yes, you should lick her out

Shit, even if you CAN routinely produce vaginal orgasms, oral sex is just too nice not to have in your box of tricks. I don’t need it to make her come during most sexual sessions, but often I LIKE to do it instead of all the pumping and grinding. With very few exceptions, women want oral (just like the vast majority of men do). It feels good. Often it feels better in terms of the intensity of orgasm, even if vaginal sex might be better in other ways (for me, I find oral more satisfying, both for me and for her, on a purely sexual basis, but penetration seems more emotionally and spiritually intense).

I’m a firm believer that no one in any kind of sexual relationship should avoid giving oral sex. I will say the women who don’t want you to actually shoot off in their mouths are entitled to that stipulation, and you should honor it. I mean, high-velocity, possibly bitter goo being launched into one’s mouth could be a gag-worthy experience for some. But there is no reason for anyone to deny their partner oral sex if that person wants it and/or needs it to reach orgasm.

Besides, it’s chivalrous. My first sexual contact with the woman who would become my wife was me giving her oral and not asking for anything in return. Few things will earn you more sexual brownie points, I suspect.

I don’t want to hear any damn whining about how it smells like fish. First off, chances are that you eat actual fish at times and enjoy it, so why are you bitching? Secondly, very few women smell like a seafood market down there. Yes, there is sometimes a slightly fishy scent at first. Just lick through it. Literally. As you lap at her, you will eliminate any sour or fishy stuff pretty quickly and as she becomes aroused, you’ll get the nicer, muskier smell going, and there won’t be any fishiness. And if you don’t like musky sex smells, why are you even having sex?

Seriously, I don’t think my wife has ever smelled fishy or tasted sour for longer than 30 seconds. After that, there’s nothing nasty, and then all the good smells start developing. And good tastes, too. If the woman smells perpetually of the denizens of the ocean or local lake, then you know what? She needs to see a physician, because there’s probably something there that needs to be dealt with medically, and you’ve probably been smelling that smell during vaginal sex, too, and already should have been encouraging her to make an appointment. In fact, you might even find out that the source of that unnatural smell also has something to do with the difficulty she’s having with orgasms (if she is having such difficulties).

Real men eat pussy. I will stand by those words. If you can’t do it or simply won’t, you fail a major test of manhood in my book. Punch me in the mouth for saying so, if you like; it won’t change my opinion on the matter. It might, however, interfere with my ability to lick out my wife if you bust my lip, which means I’ll probably be coming after you with a baseball bat later.

But enough “Fight Club” style posturing, since I’m a lover, not a fighter.

Point is, that of course there are women who just can’t have orgasms. There have to be. It just makes sense. But I don’t think the numbers are as high as they appear. I think there is an important group of women who just haven’t been willing to explore enough options and/or who have men who aren’t willing to explore options. Those women deserve their orgasms just as much as the other women—probably more so.

So, men and women, let’s work together, all right? Women stop the faking, and men start getting beyond personal satisfaction and, I think, we’ll all be a lot better off and be seeing the letter “O” brought to us by more than just the Sesame Street characters.