There are things that no one warns you about when you enter into any new situation. They tend to paint a prettier picture so that they can convince you that it’s something you want to do. If they do give you any indication of what you’re in for it’s usually described with the most polite and un-alarming words possible. Take the side effects with medications, for example. You will see an entire commercial about this medication designed to be a miracle pill for whatever ailment you’re experiencing. Then, at the tail end and said in a super quick voice over, you’ll be told that you may experience headaches, sexual side effects and anal seepage. If they were completely honest and said ‘You may shit your pants in the middle of the grocery store while taking this medication’ you might think twice and decide to just deal with your restless leg syndrome.

No one told me there were any negatives to reviewing sex toys. When I found out that I could get a bunch of free shit and all I had to do was tell people what I thought about it, I was thrilled. (Don’t even try to lie and say you’re doing it for a more noble reason.) Since no one told me I thought it would be nice if I told you. A little list of things to consider…

1. You will run out of things to say: Really. There are only so many ways you can describe a plastic vibrating bullet. You can’t skimp on your reviews though, because you’re getting that shit for free and it’s rude. You’ll find yourself rewriting the same, boring information about each and every toy you come across. Every once in a while you’ll get something really awesome that stirs your inner Shakespeare and causes you to wax poetic, but mostly it will get repetitive. This is no different than most jobs though so just become friends with your thesaurus to help get you through the writer’s block.

2. You will run out of places to hide this stuff: I’ve been reviewing since November of last year. My collection started out as a few vibrators and bottles of flavored lube which I stashed in a shoe box in my closet. Within a month I had purchased an actual storage container that my collection outgrew no less than two months later. Now it’s too large to store in my nightstand and is hogging up a few dresser drawers. We’re currently searching for something large enough that blends in with our furniture. It’s hard if you’re an organization freak like me. Thank goodness for Rubbermaid, right?

3. You may have embarrassing encounters with your neighbors: You’re going to be on a first name basis with the USPS, UPS, and FedEx deliverers, but if you start reviewing for multiple companies there may be mistakes. I recently had my Liberator throe replaced and it was delivered to our neighbors. Fortunately most sex toy retailers are smart enough to know that people don’t want their business all over the neighborhood so they send things in unmarked packages with very discreet shipping addresses. It doesn’t make it any less awkward to go ask your neighbors if they received a package that was addressed to you. You know what’s inside and that’s all that matters. Plus, it’s pretty obvious when an unmarked brown package arrives that you’re getting something naughty. Most companies plaster their advertisements all over the box, so it’s the opposite that seems to raise more eyebrows.

4. You will break the bank buying batteries: Unfortunately, not all manufacturers have gone green yet. A lot of toys are rechargeable now, but there are still quite a few great ones that require batteries. Some of those toys are battery hogs and will suck the juice out of them after just a few uses. You might as well suck it up and buy a battery charger and several packages of rechargeable batteries. Set up a schedule and keep switching out used batteries to be recharged. You don’t want to have to wait until payday to try your new toys.

5. You will get tired of masturbating: No, really. You’ll look forward to days when you can get out of the house and mow the lawn or do your grocery shopping. Your skin and eyes might be sensitive to the light after you’ve been cooped up in your bedroom for so long. Your arms and hands might be a little sore or cramping from repeating the same motions too. You will find yourself saying “Hooray! I’m caught up on reviews now and I don’t have to jerk off today!”

I’m really not kidding.

6. Your brain will be stuck in ‘review mode’: From the second you get your new toys in the mail you’ll be cataloging the specs in that part of your brain where you store that information. How does it feel? How does it smell? What does the packaging look like? If you’re not careful this will carry over into sex with your partner. You won’t need to think about math problems or baseball to keep yourself from cumming too soon because your brain won’t stop analyzing your sex toys. Is it getting weaker or noisier now that it’s inside of me? Is this a better angle? You’ll need to remind yourself to stop thinking and just enjoy sex!

Don’t get me wrong, reviewing sex toys is one hell of a hobby. Just be prepared to handle these things when they come up or you might find your interest in continuing this hobby waning.