Taking Responsibility
Posted by Laurel
Lately there have been a few discussions that have led me back to this same concept again and again. Taking responsibility for your own actions seems to be a basic, fundamental life skill few are capable of or willing to exercise. What’s worse is that so often, we seem more than willing to excuse this behavior with the status of victimhood. As if somehow, because someone else used the opportunity of your bad choices to hurt you in some way, you are blameless.
I’m not going to lie, I am sure much of what I am about to say will anger a great number of people. They will say I am excusing the behavior of people who hurt others. But I am not. I am not in any way excusing them or suggesting they are not wrong or should not be hunted down and skinned alive…I mean prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Yes, skinning them alive would be barbaric. Satisfying, but barbaric.
Time to get specific. What sparked this particular post, today, is the controversy over the response of Ask Amy to one of her readers who asked for advice. I’ll let you read about all that on your own. And I will say that I don’t believe Amy was very helpful to this particular reader. Pointing out her own choices put her in that situation after the fact does little to help someone who was, in fact, raped. She should have been told she had every right to go to the police, file charges and seek justice for a heinous crime committed against her.
But she should also go and find other young women, like her, on college campuses and she should tell them that putting yourself in such a situation is really, really stupid. In truth, girls should get this information before they arrive on campus.
Why?
Because. they. are. waiting. for. you.
And if you think that’s an exaggeration meant to inspire fear, consider that frat boys actually drag their couches out onto the lawn to watch the freshmen girls going through sorority rush walk by on the way to the next house on their list. They call them “fresh meat”. They are scoping out potential victims, so they can be on the lookout when these naive girls show up at one of their parties. It is well known among these men that the easiest girls to get into the sack are the ones who have just arrived on the turnip truck. At the school I went to, sorority rush took place two weeks before classes start. The week between rush and classes was one solid week of frat party after frat party and date rape after date rape. They say something like 80% of all date rapes on campus happen in this one week.
The singular goal of all these parties? To get the freshmen drunk and get them into bed. They are not looking for soul mates and too many (not all) don’t care what it takes or are naive themselves and don’t understand that it’s not ok to have sex with someone who is passed out drunk.
The minute you arrive at one of these parties, you are walking into the lion’s den with raw meat tied to your ankles. You will be offered a drink (or 12). In this day and age, that drink could be drugged. Being nice and accepting an unknown drink from an unknown man could be all it takes to wake up the next day with no memory of why you are sore in places you shouldn’t be.
This is reality. It’s not right by any stretch of the imagination, nor should it be condoned. But it IS reality. And if you are going to go to one of these parties, drink to the point of incapacitation, and trust a man you’ve never met before that night when he says “Let’s go up to my room and nothing will happen unless you want it to,” you are handing yourself to him on a platter.
Should he take advantage of the situation? No. Is he guilty of a crime and should he be punished in the worst possible way if he does? Abso-fucking-lutely.
Was this foreseeable and preventable if you had made some different choices? Yes.
Choices like:
Don’t go to a frat party.
Go to a party with a friend you trust to stick by your side while you stick by their’s.
Do not accept open drinks from any male you don’t know. Or hell, anyone male. Or hell, just anyone period. Get your own beer from the keg, mix your own drinks. Don’t drink the trashcan punch that only the girls are drinking unless the person who offers it to you is drinking it themselves.
Do NOT go into anyone’s bedroom unless you want to have sex with them. Period. Too many people assume going up to the bedroom implies consent, no matter how many times you’ve made it clear, verbally. Walk through that door and they will take it to mean you have changed your mind.
Is it entirely possible that you could show up to one of these parties, remain sober and in a public place at all times and still get raped? Yes, it’s possible, but it’s not likely. The culture of this particular ritual is one that relies on the appearance of consent. Being drunk makes it harder to say no clearly, being lured into a bedroom makes it appear as if you intended to have sex. And, of course, being drugged makes it harder to even know for sure if you were raped at all.
This is a situation in which tricks are used and girls are manipulated to achieve a sexual goal. If the tricks fail and girls refuse to be manipulated, these crimes are thwarted.
In an ideal world, women could attend frat parties and get shit-faced and hang out with frat boys in their bedrooms without fear of being raped. But we don’t live in that world. It doesn’t exist. I am not sure it can exist. Is it wrong? Yes, of course it’s wrong. Are you right to believe you have every right to attend a party, get drunk and expect not to get raped? Yes, you are right to believe you SHOULD be able to expect that, but you are naive if you think you CAN expect it.
Being right and getting raped is a pretty shitty place to be. Take it from a woman who has been there. If I had it to do over again, I’d choose “smart and safe” over “right and raped” every day of the week.
I take responsibility for my own safety now and I make choices based on an understanding that there are risks involved if I choose to put myself in an unsafe situation. The law might be on my side if I am victimized, but the law cannot protect me from becoming one in the first place. That is up to me. It would be nice if we lived in a world where the threat of punishment under the law was a true deterrent for date rape, but it’s not. The only real deterrent is to make smart choices.
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- Discussion: Was Amy wrong? | Insatiable Desire - [...] on Eden Cafe, Laurel, from Licentiously Yours, wrote a post on personal responsibility addressing the situation surrounding Amy Dikinson’s ...
- Tweets that mention Taking Responsibility | Eden Cafe -- Topsy.com - [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by AlwaysLaurel, Melinda Lawrence. Melinda Lawrence said: RT @EdenCafe Taking Responsibility http://bit.ly/4WFgGg [...]
- Wait. What? Total wrong turn in Albuquerque | A View from the Floor - [...] was all inspired by a post on frat party date rape, btw, in case y’all aren’t in that loop. ...
- Licentiously Yours - [...] this is all about good stuff to read over on Eden Cafe while I bang around and make a ...
- One Year: The Story of My Rape - [...] Amy Dickinson had a point in telling the rape victim that she was partially at fault, that people should ...
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WOW! What a brave and AMAZING post.
.-= Champagne and Benzedrine´s last blog ..On Political Correctness =-.
And these are the reasons I love you.
Thank you. Seriously, thank you.
I’m rather shocked to see a post promoting a victim-blaming attitude here on EdenCafe. The Ask Amy column was anti-feminist and reckless and she was rightly called out. Supporting this in a supposedly sex positive community is something I never thought I would see.
Actually, if you read the post, you’d have seen where I specifically said I did not agree with Amy.
Also, I don’t see where sex-positivity has anything to do with rape. I see it as very pro-women to teach them how to protect themselves from the dangers of the world.
Would you prefer then, that women be sent into such situations in complete ignorance and end up likely victimized? I specifically stated many times that behavior by men who rape women was unacceptable, yet it is the reality in which we live and expecting different will NOT keep you safe.
We all have a responsibility to keep ourselves safe when afforded the opportunity – weather that be to wear condoms to protect from disease or make choices that keep us out of obvious harms way.
We constantly tell people to use condoms on shared sex toys because it is a protection tool. Why is it then wrong to tell women to protect themselves in other situations where harm is likely?
Telling someone it’s ok to step in front of a bus because well, the bus should be driving slower and should stop in time and not hit you, is all well and good, except, it doesn’t keep you from being killed by the bus, does it?
Here’s a much better list of tips, with the shame directed where it belongs, on the person who makes the choice to commit a crime:
http://nonotyou.tumblr.com/post/195900043
(You may have to highlight the text to read it.)
.-= Toygirl´s last blog ..Holiday Wishlist =-.
You miss the point of this post entirely. It was not an exercise in blame but a call for women to keep themselves out of dangerous situations where harm is likely. We can talk about the criminal aspect of this horrendous act until we are blue in the face and at the end of the day, women are no more safe than they were when we started.
Teaching women how to protect themselves in the reality we face is not blaming, it’s giving them the tools they need to get through life safely.
.-= laurel´s last blog ..Forgive the mess, we are remodeling =-.
@Saraid and Toygirl – I don’t see how not holding victims responsible for their bad decisions helps anyone.
I know that sounds harsh. But if we’re all “Oh you poor baby! That bad, bad man!” without pointing out that the victim went there, admittedly, against her own better judgment, it’s possible she would ignore her mistake instead of learning from it.
I’m sorry, but I don’t see that as being conducive to a victim’s mental or physical well-being. Or their future interactions with possible partners, for that matter.
.-= Rayne´s last blog ..Discussion: Was Amy wrong? =-.
Would you blame a woman whose husband/boyfriend is beating her? “Well honey, you should have known better and never gone out with him in the first place.”
It’s no different.
.-= Saraid´s last blog ..Review: Tantus Goddess =-.
I’m not blaming the victim for what happened to her. That’s nobody’s fault but the guy who did it. I’m merely pointing out that she wasn’t comfortable with the situation to begin with, and went anyway. She could have saved herself a ton of trouble had she listened to her gut.
For the record, before this gets out of hand, I’ve been in this situation before. I was going to pick up my fiance’s roommate to take him to pick up his medication. I knew he was bad news and chose to go anyway when the friend who was going with me canceled at the last minute.
What happened to me wasn’t my fault. But had I listened to my gut, it wouldn’t have happened. That was pointed out to me by my therapist. I can guarantee had it not been, I would have done the same thing again with a different person.
Our instinct is there to keep us alive and out of harm’s way. We need to listen to it. Period.
.-= Rayne´s last blog ..Discussion: Was Amy wrong? =-.
One of the things (of many) that bug me about both this article and your response, Rayne, is that most rapes do not occur like this. Most of them are perpetrated by rapists the victim knew and, likely, trusted. Does it make sense to say that a woman went “against her own better judgment” in situations of friendship and trust? No. This victim-blaming bullshit only “works” when the woman is in a frat party situation. Interesting how the environment is the only thing that is different.
Here’s the problem with that: In this instance, that wasn’t the case.
I’m not talking about date rape that occurs with people the victims know. That’s a whole different animal. In that case, the blame lies solely at the feet of the rapist.
.-= Rayne´s last blog ..Discussion: Was Amy wrong? =-.
Actually Epi, the statistics for this kind of situation show that this is often the case, that date rape in a situation with alcohol and strangers is the most common type there is. As I stated before, 80% of all date rapes on our campus occur during this party week in situations much like the one described.
.-= laurel´s last blog ..Forgive the mess, we are remodeling =-.
Er, when I say strangers, I meant to say men you have just met or are out with for the first time, not people you have no knowledge of whatsoever.
.-= laurel´s last blog ..Forgive the mess, we are remodeling =-.
I get what you’re trying to say, but this type of attitude is a slippery one to have. Telling women not to get drunk and go to frat parties is similar to telling them not to wear short skirts or go jogging at night because they might get raped. By suggesting this and telling women to take responsibility for their ‘bad choices’ you’re displacing the blame and negativity from the rapist. Kind of a ‘boys will be boys’ attitude.
The rapist is the person who committed the crime. The blame should be placed squarely on the rapist’s shoulders. The victim does not need to take responsibility for anything.
I believe that this message would come across better if you didn’t start out attacking the victims of rape. This could have been a very empowering post and encouraged women to set up safety nets. “Taking Precautions” rather than responsibility.
.-= Sarahbear´s last blog ..TMI Tuesday =-.
Mmm… From where I sit, Laurel’s not so much saying “Don’t ever go to a frat party!” as “Don’t go to a frat party, get drunk, and then ignore your gut when you find yourself dangerously close to a terrible situation.
.-= Rayne´s last blog ..Discussion: Was Amy wrong? =-.
Actually she said “Don’t go to a frat party”.
I get that she’s telling women to be careful, but the tone of the post is offensive because it tells the victims to take responsibility for -their- bad choices.
.-= Sarahbear´s last blog ..TMI Tuesday =-.
I sit corrected. I must’ve skimmed over that line. I apologize.
But in all honesty, if no one points out to this girl that she made a bad decision by not following her gut, she might never learn. And that’s not really the way we should go either.
.-= Rayne´s last blog ..Discussion: Was Amy wrong? =-.
I do get what you are saying Sara, about I am sorry that using the word responsibility is seen as an attack, but I do think we are all responsible for our own choices. This includes men and women.
I am not suggesting in any way that women be blamed after the fact as contributors to their own fate. This achieves nothing, which is why I said Amy was very much NOT helpful to her reader.
But I do see it as no different than making someone use a condom to protect from HIV. Yes, the person who gives you HIV is ultimately the responsible party, but that is little consolation when choosing to use a condom could have kept you HIV negative.
Dismissing this argument as victim-blaming, as others have done, simply continues to perpetuate the ignorance that you can expect to put yourself in this situation and remain safe.
Blaming the rapist and advising women to take responsibility for themselves and to protect themselves are NOT mutually exclusive. Both are needed, both contribute to keeping women from being victimized.
It’s like I said before, having been in the situation and expected someone to act honorably and ending up raped instead …frankly, I’d rather I’d been less trusting, less drunk and not raped.
.-= Laurel´s last blog ..Forgive the mess, we are remodeling =-.
Yeah, for me it’s really a matter of semantics. I get what your saying and agree that given the way the world is it’s better to be safe than sorry. It’s just that sometimes the way something is worded can be the difference in what people take away from something. If the language seems accusatory people will automatically get defensive and miss the point(as evidenced by some of the comments).
Some of us are more brash and harsh though, and we don’t mince our words. I can appreciate a tell it like it is attitude, but not everyone does. Especially with topics like this that teeter so close to the edge of opinions people feel strongly about. I too would rather be wrong and safe than right and raped. =)
.-= Sarahbear´s last blog ..HNT #3 =-.
So if a woman goes to a frat party where people are drinking, shje should expect to be raped? And if she is raped, it’s her fault because she should have known better? Bullshit.
This kind of victim blaming is exactly what keeps so many women from reporting their rapes. The fear that it was their fault. That they caused it by going to that party/wearing that short skirt/flirting with the guy and leading him on.
I see your point, and I see you disagreeing with Amy, but I still see this as victim blaming.
Never once did I say it was her fault.
See, for me, who is to blame is a given. The rapist is to blame. Yet we teach women to fight back. We teach them to carry mace or a whistle and give them advice on what to do if someone tries to rape them on the street. All these things, hopefully, are designed to prevent women from becoming victims.
So, advising a woman not to put herself in a situation that makes her incapacitated and therefore unsafe is somehow blaming her? Staying sober and avoiding being drugged are now being equated with wearing a short skirt? What?
.-= Laurel´s last blog ..Forgive the mess, we are remodeling =-.
I was a freshman in college almost 20 years ago. Even back then, I only went to frat parties with a group of friends (protective male friends, preferably), or with the express intent of getting laid. College party rape is nothing new. I had a college friend who got shitfaced drunk at a frat party, took a guy up on his offer to let her pass out in his room, and woke up momentarily thinking how odd it was that she didn’t remember putting a tampon in.
Was my friend raped? Absolutely. Was the guy a sleazebag for doing it? Absolutely. Was my friend also being stupid when she went up to pass out in a strange guy’s bedroom? Yes, she was. And she owned her stupidity. And she was the one who gave me a big speech about what NOT to do when you go to a frat party (or, honestly, any drunken college house party full of guys you don’t know) when I was a freshman.
The fact is, there are many situations that are well known to put people at high risk for victimization. Much as I wouldn’t advise a drunk college girl to go to a strange boy’s room unless she wanted to have sex with him, I wouldn’t advise a drunk preppy-looking guy to take a casual evening walk through the “bad neighborhood” of any big (or medium sized) city. (FWIW, I also had a well-dressed male friend get stabbed for his wallet at the same university. He was stumbling drunk down an alleyway at 3am.)
Am I absolving either of my friends’ attackers of the responsibility for their crimes? Of course not. However, I am most definitely saying my friends’ behavior put them at much greater risk of becoming crime victims… and everyone should be aware of the risks inherent in their immediate situation and actions.
I don’t think this post is victim blaming in the slightest.
She wrote: “Should he take advantage of the situation? No. Is he guilty of a crime and should he be punished in the worst possible way if he does? Abso-fucking-lutely.”
Pretty bloody clear that Laurel always holds the rapist accountable for the rape.
But it is an entirely fair thing to suggest that people in general (and in this instance, women) have a mature and grown up attitude to their own personal safety (and not just at frat parties, and not just regarding rape.)
It’s not fair and it’s not right, but in today’s society women are in danger in situations like the frat parties Laurel describes.
It’s all very well saying ‘it shouldn’t be like that’ because it shouldn’t, but it IS.
.-= Champagne and Benzedrine´s last blog ..HNT =-.
I can see why the tone might offend some people but I do agree with the message and I feel like this line sums it up very well:
“you are right to believe you SHOULD be able to expect that, but you are naive if you think you CAN expect it.”
We’d all love to live in a world where rape wasn’t an issue but we don’t. We can certainly help some by educating about the grey areas and clearly communicating about the issues at hand but I think I agree that we won’t ever live in the ideal world. So we do what we have to do and for me that means making smart decisions.
But, with that said, some of this aggression might certainly be better directed away from the victims (or maybe it’s just the passion about the topic that makes it seem like it is being directed there). Perhaps at the assholes who do (and plan to) take advantage of women? Or perhaps at the fact that because it seems like they are obviously not being told often and/or loud enough that it’s wrong and rape.
.-= Adriana´s last blog ..Down The Rabbit Hole =-.