Let me just say I don’t normally write things like this, nor do I really know why I am. It just seems like there must be someone else out there who might understand, or possibly some underlying need to see my scrambled thoughts and know how I feel is not uncommon.

My life has never been calm, nor does it run smoothly with any consistency. I stay constantly busy both with good things and with bad things. From taking care of Hubby and three kids, to providing care for a grandma, a niece, a nephew, and dealing with courts and unsavory family members. It would seem bad events tend to prevail during this time of my life. I am forever being quoted things like “Tomorrow can’t get any worse”, or “God only gives us what we can handle”. Really? From my point of view, tomorrow is capable of getting a heck of a lot worse, and God sometimes expects way too much from us.

On any given day, I am able to compartmentalize my life and blow through all the stress and problems that pop up with a decent amount of ease. I am the ‘Momma’, and as expected I deal very well with other people’s problems. When the problems are my own – I don’t do nearly as well. I don’t usually bother to give myself enough time to figure them out, and I just move forward the best way possible. In my world, I tend not to be as important as everyone else in my life.

I have just, in the last two years, really begun working on my own needs and my sexual desires.

Hubby is a great guy. We’ve been together for just about 23 years. One would think our sex life would be figured out by now. But the truth is, now that the kids are bigger, and I have some breathing room, I’ve discovered my own sexual needs are not necessarily the same as they used to be. In fact, they are vastly different. I spent my life always doing what was expected and what was required to take care of everyone else. Somewhere in all of that I lost who I was, and any desires I harbored were lost as well.

Now I’m working at what is required to take care of me. This journey has taken me straight to the bedroom. It has been filled with joys I’ve never imagined, and a few brick walls that will probably never come down. But it’s been an adventure for the most part, that I have greatly enjoyed.

Entering my late 30s my sex drive increased immensely. The more I wanted, the more I realized what I was used to wasn’t remotely enough. I quickly learned that my Hubby’s attitude towards sex was selfish and unacceptable. I will happily say that I haven’t heard my Hubby say ‘well I got mine’ then roll over and start snoring in an extremely long time.

Hubby probably put me onto the best track when he made the comment, “You’re killing me. Don’t you know that’s what they make toys for?” He may have been joking, but off I went to our local adult store. Self-discovery became an important part of my own education. Finding EdenFantasys became another. But that education couldn’t be one sided, and the most important thing I’ve learned is that teaching an old dog new tricks takes time, communication, repetition, and on occasion a good meal and a lot of beer.

In our bedroom, Hubby doesn’t have an assertive bone in his body. He was completely accepting of a wife who took the dominant role. A role, that doesn’t necessarily fit my own needs anymore. He was considerably less accepting of a wife that wanted to be man handled, bound and spanked. I’ve discovered as vanilla as he is, he also has love for me. This love gives him a desire to want me to be just as happy as he is during our encounters. The fact that he has also discovered a need inside himself to see just how wet he can make me is a wonderful benefit. I think he has learned that a strong hand doesn’t mean a violent one, and that the advantages benefit him as well, and are much more satisfying on a whole new level. He has managed to step outside his comfort zone to push me outside of my own. Some things work. Others draw a line he can’t cross. Some things I love. Others I find I’m not satisfied with or I am terrified of. The way I see it, this is an adventure worth exploring. Also nice, is the fact that Hubby no longer refers to me as a ‘freak’ for all the experimenting and pushing of limits that I put him through.

But just when you think everything is going well and we are getting each other to new levels of enjoyment…accidents happen. In a single moment, I went from strong sexual needs which had me masturbating three/four times a day before lusting after Hubby late into the night, to absolutely nothing. No desire, no sex, no play time, no ability to move without pain. My legs became useless, hips couldn’t move, and who could even care about being sexual while suffering and popping pills. Our new found sexual joys became non-existent.

Healing comes daily, but our sex life was limited and solely for his needs. Now that I’m stronger and my mind has returned to my normal desires, I struggle to find my favorite positions. Straddling with an injured hip is not nearly as enjoyable or effective. Things like the Liberator Pulse, which I had just bought before the accident turned out to be wasted money. And although other positions offer themselves, it feels like we are back to the beginning again, only now with injuries and added weight making me self-conscience. I’ve discovered now it is considerably harder for me to find release even during masturbation. I think it’s a mental block opposed to any physical barrier. One I’m trying desperately to overcome.

But I’m not the only one affected. Hubby is tender, gentle and careful, which is probably more than some woman could ever ask for, but for me this has it’s time and place. Don’t get me wrong, all of that softness has been greatly appreciated, but I wonder how hard it will be to get back those strong purposeful hands. We’ve gone back to him not wanting to hurt me when he already knows that what I want, what I need, doesn’t really hurt. Trust me, a truck is a lot different than aggressive sex. I know what real pain is. It feels like all the ground I have gained through patience and determination seems to have been lost.

Thankfully, we have a bond and desire that will continue, and I know with time and patience we will return to having amazing sex. My problem is that my own patience with myself is losing ground. It’s just that the time spent waiting to heal is a little depressing. Hubby knows my desires, but to his credit he knows my body as well as I do, and he knows I’m not 100% yet. What right do I have to complain when he cares so much for me? It’s a struggle deep inside me that will continue to drive me though therapy and exercise until I am 100% and more than ready for the strong hands of my husband.