Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number
Do you know what cribbage is?

Do you know how to play?

Cool! Chances are you are at least 30-35 years old, if not older.

I myself, am under the age of 25; and the story I’m about to tell you is about a card game, two older men, and one very interesting night.

When I was young, my first sexual experiences were ALWAYS with older men. Whether it be five, or twenty five years older, it always carried the theme of, ‘I am being taken for a ride’. (Creepily honest: One of my first sexual fantasies I can remember involved Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka.) It was nice, they were experienced, talented, mature, masculine, and the whole thing really helped me deal with my Daddy issue angst.

Thusly, the men I’m attracted to now are just that, men. Men with cars and jobs, stable incomes and close to no drama.

But let’s leave my gold-digger-ness for a later article.

So naturally while living with my grandparents (My Grandpa and his Husband who are in an open relationship.) I was surrounded by older men, and I am a HUGE flirt. One guy caught by eye early on. Let’s name him Roger.

One night he was staying the night at our house because he was doing something in town early the next morning, he lived far away so it was just easier for him to couch surf for a night here. During that night, my grandpa was feeling a bit off; he’s always had health problems, so he and grandma (who is, remember, a man.) went to the ER. As this was just a preemptory trip, Roger and I were urged to not worry and just go about our business.

While they were away, Roger and I chatted along (I’m a talker), learning more about each other. I was duking it out with my love interest at the time, who we will call Pillock. Pillock and I were arguing via text about things that didn’t matter, and my stress level was so high I began breaking out in hives.

Given that Roger is a therapist of sorts and was watching me as I slowly spiraled into a huff of angst and rache. (<- German for revenge. I’m one of those people who will fly off the handle and have a weekend bender rather than yell at my spouse.)

So about midnight or so, when we were on our second movie that I was only half watching, and I started to break out, all I really wanted to do was snuggle up with Roger and have him bend me over the couch until all my pent up rage got ‘released’.

But alas, nothing happened that night. I started feeling sick, so he took me to the store, and we bought some benadryl and a chocolate bar to make me feel better.

A few months later he got together with a guy, who in this article is named Corn. It took them all of two months to move in with one another at Roger’s place. It was an apartment with pool and sauna access. Remember that, it’s important.

Corn is in his 50′s and losing his hair. Roger in his 60′s and has stark white hair, ya know the guy you picture when i say old gnome? All white hair beard and shortness? Yeah just dress him in a nice shirt and some loafers and thats Roger. They are both very nice.

So, Roger and I began to instant message at some point after he got my cell phone number from Grandpa, so he always had someone to keep him up to date on his ailments.

We decided that we totally should have done stuff that night he was over at my place.

His offer was disguised as a night away from home and some relaxing sauna time, since he knew of my perpetual back tension issues.

I readily agreed, and Grandpa was thrilled that I could get some well needed stress relief with the aid of a trusted family friend.

Somehow as the night went on, I was enticed into a game of strip cribbage. For those of you who know what it means, Roger was getting a lot of 6, 7, 8 and 9′s. And the fact that I only wear one layer of clothing didn’t help much.So by the end of three games we were all naked.

I had never done anything with anyone over the age of 30 before this. And certainly not with more than one person at a time. I was rather nervous. But oh so excited!!!

Let me tell you my dear readers. Age really is nothing but a number.

I have a habit of playing coy when I’m with anyone who might assume by my appearance that I am less experienced than them. (In reality, I’ve been having pretty regular sex for going on 12 years now.) And Roger and Corn really took charge of the situation. I sat idly wondering how far we were gonna go, while they brought blankets and pillows out into the living room by the armful. We met on the field of battle (the blankets on the floor of the living room), which proved us all equally skilled. (What do you call a 69 between three people?) Nobody was viewed as beneath anyone else.

Oddly it was less dominant and submissive, more… grab something and feel good. Despite the age gap, they were just as passionate (and kinda dorky) in their sex as any teenager. Rather than belittling me for my lack of experience, they just laughed it off when I gasped at their cock piercings, and we all had a great time…

And that’s just the most notable of my stories concerning age.

Let me tell you, my dear, captive audience: age is a frame of mind. I have had dates with 56 year old women who are still as sharp as the thumb tacks they used on my balls that night. I have had affairs with men AND women in their 30′s who certainly snuggled and made out like they were just as young and immature as me.

I don’t see age as the number of lines on someone’s face. I see them as notches on the bedpost. The older you get, the more sex you have, the better you get at it.

I’ve never done an octogenarian, but I bet if I did, she would give an amazing hand job… Providing her arthritis wasn’t acting up.

Happy sexing.

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