I wasn’t sure what I had done wrong, and felt hurt that she had less and less desire the longer we had been married. I mentioned it to a few friends, and they all chalked it up to women being married and not needing to “satisfy” us as they once did. All of their wives were not interested in sex, and they all complained that once the kids arrive, the sex heads out the window.

But I refused to believe that my wife was like that. When we first met, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, like most couples. She still cared for me deeply, and several times over the past months said she had never been happier even though she was ill. So I figured there had to be something in our sexual dynamic that changed things.

Talking to your spouse about problems is one of the hardest things to do; you have to be able to look at your own flaws and faults as well to be able to find the solution. I find that in these times, you are truly being intimate with your partner, and making that connection that can strengthen or repair a relationship.

Being Honest

So that’s what we did on New Year’s Eve. We talked about what had gone on through our relationship that had led us to this place. My wife expressed some things that stung, I have to be honest. And likewise, some of the things I said stung her as well. But we didn’t say them in an accusatory tone, more in a matter-of-fact way that allowed us to say what we really felt. We learned a lot about each other that night. We talked about how this had been missing in our relationship as of late, and by connecting in an emotional way, it often led to my wife feeling the physical desire. But after having a baby, buying a house, and changing jobs, I had been so focused on other things, and not on sharing all of my thoughts with her. I had morphed into a caretaker of sorts, and not a partner.

We also discussed things that my wife thought when we were physically intimate. I’ve always enjoyed pleasing my wife in bed, yet she always felt I was doing one thing just as a favor prior to moving onto something I really wanted. It was a revelation to her that I enjoyed those things, oral sex, use of sex toys, and others, and not just wanting to get my orgasm out of the way. She also shared how she has problems with performing oral sex, it physically hurts her to do it, and my frustrations in that area were understood.

We shared a lot in that evening. I told her of fantasies that I had that I never felt I’d be able to share. She offered no judgment, no scorn, and simply listened. And when I had finished we talked about what those fantasies meant. Some surprised her, some excited her, and I’m glad to say none repulsed her. The feeling I had after sharing those thoughts I had kept inside for so long was liberating.

Intimacy

Over these past few weeks since the New Year has begun, we both have felt that our relationship and our bond is closer than it’s ever been in our decade old relationship. The illness that has slowed things down sexually is receding, and we both are excited to add that element back to our relationship. We have discussed it so much over the past few weeks, without being able to do anything, we both feel like teenagers again.

It is amazing what one evening of opening up can do for two people. We are now sharing more than we’ve ever shared before, and other areas of our relationship where fights usually arose are more manageable. By sharing these intimate secrets, we are less judgmental in other areas. What could have been a fight about money has now been a rational discussion, albeit one I still lost. We both feel that by opening up and sharing more emotional intimacy, we have turned a corner. While the road of course will not be perfect, we both feel better equipped to handle things that come along the way.

And we feel like we have a whole new view on our sexual relationship, and that once the physical intimacy combines with the emotional intimacy we’re sharing at the moment, watch out! While this wasn’t a resolution to do this, it has been a fantastic way to start the New Year, and while difficult at first, any couple could benefit from strengthening their bond through sharing more emotional intimacy.