I have been what some would call a slut my whole life. It used to bother me: that I lost count somewhere, that the guys I am with haven’t had as many partners as me, or that it might come up in polite conversation. It started when I was just a kid. Like so many women out there, I was molested by a family member. Then I was raped when I was 12. That was my first sexual experience. The first one I started counting anyways. Did I deserve to be raped? No way! I don’t think any woman deserves that. At the time that it happened, I didn’t even know how to try to look sexy. I was just a kid.
I did something I don’t recommend for anyone either; I didn’t tell anyone. It really messed with my self-esteem. Why even bother saying “no” when he’ll just take what he wants. In my teenage years after the rape, I was very promiscuous. By some stroke of blind luck I have never had an STD, believe me I got checked! I slept with a lot of different guys and even a lot of women. I think, looking back, I was lost and confused, and looking for someone to love me. I didn’t know what love really was, and I wish now I’d had a good mentor. But, I didn’t. That doesn’t mean I would change anything. Those things that don’t kill us, they make us stronger. I am who I am because I have lived through all this, and I can now talk about my past without being ashamed. I refuse to be ashamed of something that was not my fault.
In the vanilla world that we reside in, there is a stigma. A woman who has X amount of partners in her lifetime is a “slut”. I have known many “sluts”, and none of them deserve to be raped. On the flipside, a man with my numbers would be called a stud. This is such a double-standard. Why do we think less of a woman who sleeps with different people, and congratulate a man for the same behavior? Case and point; a popular t.v. show called “How I met Your Mother.” The character, Barney, has lists of women he wants to or has slept with, no one blinks at this. If I see a really good looking male, I can’t force myself upon him and think it would be okay. A little common sense, please! I don’t need to dress provocative to still be a slut either! In my conservative everyday clothes, underneath it all, I am still a slut by vanilla standards. It is very wrong to assume that how a woman dresses defines who she is.
These days I am very comfortable with my sexuality. I chose my partner, and together we are swingers. That means that I can live my adult life as a slut, without guilt or consequences. I wear whatever I want when we go out. That doesn’t mean that I am going to sleep with everyone, I get to choose my partners, just as they choose me. This is the state of mind I live in. My partner and the people that I choose to have sex with, they do not have this narrow approach to sex. It is sick to think that a woman can be a slut, but a guy is just doing what comes natural. We are, after all, the same species. I don’t call women sluts. I don’t think I ever have, unless it was in a joking manner. I don’t take offense anymore when people call me a slut. Being a slut is my choice now. I wear the name with pride. Breaking the stigma starts with me breaking it for myself. I am a slut, it is not dirty or shameful for me anymore, because I know who I am, and I am not ashamed of my sexuality. If that makes me a slut, then so be it.
me
LOL I just wrote this big long comment and didn’t see that the spam protection was underneath the submit button and lost is all.
Anyway… to try to recap, I said that I used to be very judgmental of women who “slept around”, but as I later came to realize — it was out of envy. That I had all the same sexual wants and needs and convinced myself that it was wrong most of the time. I was also abused and date raped. I wish that once I became comfortable with the act itself, that I had given myself better permission to be myself.
I’m not in a situation where I can change that at the moment. But I appreciate all of your words and I am proud of you. Not only for being comfortable in your own skin, but by standing up for women and giving us “permission” to be okay in ours.
AirenWolf
I have lived most of my life with a man who was as broken as you were sweetheart. Though there seems tobe a double standard a man who is a “stud” is treated with just as much disrespect and like they don’t matter and their feelings can be managed by dangling some pussy in their faces. My husband was raped at work by his “buds” who thought he would appreciate a blowjob from a woman he had turned down. So ya even some women believe they can take by force what they want.
I hurt for all the people so brutalised by our schitzophrenic society. We want and need sex but only if it is shrouded in ritual and cloaked in denial. I have never understood this behavior.
Thank you for having the courage to own your sexuality! Thank you for your partner who is comfortable enough to allow you to express your sexuality without shaming you. BRAVO to both you, and my husband, for standing up and saying “NO MORE,” you are worthy of respect. I bow to your courage and I smile to see you feeling strong and powerful in your skin.
Bex
The whole “slut” versus “stud” thing pisses me off to no end! I don’t know how men can think that the word “slut” is objectifying and that “stud” is not. I wrote about it a bit myself, but seriously – the word refers to a male horse who’s only good to pimp out for his genes and then sell to the glue farm when he’s no good anymore! How objectifying is that?!?
Noira Celestia
This is so powerful the way you ended this. I grew up with people calling me a slut and a whore before I even knew what the words meant. I was called a whore because I wore halter tops all the time in the summer in middle school and after I started having sex it turned into slut, even falling in love with someone who thought I was a slut. This has been a struggle with me, but I’m becoming more and more comfortable with the word as I’ve become more confident in my sexuality. I was just having a similar thought the last couple nights that I would embrace it for myself rather than allowing other people to use it to hurt me. Fuck them.
storm
when you are in a relationship where your partner refers or infers that you are a slut and it is said in a demeaning way…it is abuse arising from his judgemental opinions of my past.
Words hurt. and that isn’t love.
I am being hypocritical yet empathetic in this replay. My shame is based in allowing someone to treat me that way.
Andy
I watched a movie today call “Fuck”, it is about the word. Where it came from, how it’s used, how people feel about the word, and the power it gives you when you speak it aloud. Slut is another word that has a look of other meanings. I know that most times when a guy calls a girl a slut, it’s because he is envyous of women because he can not have sex as often as a woman can. Lets face it a guy can do nothing if he can’t get it up, but all a woman needs to do is add a little lube and she’s good to go. Now I know there is more to it than that but you get my point. I also relize that most people that have something like rape or being molested happen to them they tend to do one of two things. Either they close off or become promiscuous as a way to gain control over what happened. I think that being promiscuous is better than closing ones self off. At lest you are alive and in control vs letting them control you. Here is what I say to women…if you want to sleep around do it. Just be ethical about it and don’t worry about being called a slut. If you feel good about your lifestyle and you can look yourself in the eye when you look in a mirror then what does it matter what anyone else thinks about you.
Karen
Thanks for all your comments and support. I am pretty transparent but talking about it helps me deal with the brokenness in my past.
I don’t even think of it as sleeping around anymore. I like sex, it is ingrained in my lifestyle. I embrace the possibilities of not giving a care what people really think about me. I sleep soundly at night knowing I have control in my life.
This is probably the first time in my life that I was totally secure in my relationship. I found a guy that loves the slut in me!
Jack Jones
Calling someone a slut is a form of sexual harassment. Gays used to be called all manner of names, but it is now less “fashionable”. But similar comments are common, and are different from criticism, because they are meant to harm.
Take the high-school teacher who was discovered to be moonlighting in porn films. Not only was she sluttified, but fired from her job. This comes from people who smoke and drink, “leisure activities” that kill hundreds of thousands of people each year.
The American Association for Nude Recreation recently published a Bill of Rights, to protect them from the harassment they receive for a non-sexual activity.
People who harass others based on their sexual activities are sex bullies, and should be prosecuted.
storm
I read this, and didn’t realize it was you that wrote it until I saw your comment. The predominance of childhood and even adult sexual abuse has had so much effect on the peoples sexuality in such different ways. Thank you Karen for sharing your story.
Your confidence and your healthy relationship has always been an inspiration to me.
I hope one day I can reconcile these things myself. To not let it effect me when I am called a slut or a whore.
empathy and respect,
storm
LeighQ
Thanks for the article. I’m a bit late commenting as I’m new to Eden, but it hit home & I just wanted to say thanks. I went through a period of having sex for all the wrong reasons – poor self-esteem, etc. For years, I kept careful track of my “number.” Never wrote it down, but I knew & beat myself up over it. It took a lot of years to get past those double standards & societal “rules” and figure out what was okay for *me.* I wish that wasn’t such a difficult thing that so many women have to work through. Just wanted to say thanks & best of luck to everyone with finding contentment. I haven’t a clue what my number is these days & I’m okay with that.