“You’re going to get yourself raped.” Has anyone ever said this to you? If they have, what were you wearing? What was the topic of conversation? If you haven’t, you’re lucky. It’s a painful thing to hear. It doesn’t matter if you’re a slut, a prude, or a virgin; gay, straight, questioning, bisexual, or pansexual. You could be asexual or demisexual; childfree, waiting for the right person, attempting to conceive, or a parent. Someone, somewhere, is going to have a problem with how you conduct your sex life, and that isn’t so bad when you can conduct an open conversation and both sides try to be understanding, but when threats are leveled, and preemptive victim blaming takes place, it isn’t alright. It happens to all kinds of people all the time, so let me tell you a little about my experience as a prude.

The first time I heard that despicable phrase, if I recall correctly, my step-father was on another of his tirades about how I was never good enough. I can’t recall exactly if he was telling me how I’d probably end up pregnant and disgraceful before I even got out of high school, or if he was demanding, once again, that I marry a “good christian boy” and have lots of children. He might have been speculating on my state of “dyke-dom” again, for all I can recall. Whatever prompted it, I sheepishly confessed that I wasn’t having sex, I didn’t want to have sex, because I didn’t feel sexual desire. It set him off, and that lead to an hour long rant starting with “You’re such a little prude, you’re going to get yourself raped, and maybe that’ll fix ya.”

He wasn’t the only one, either. Other family members and friends told me variations on the same thing. From “You’re nothing but a cock-tease, if you won’t have sex, you’re going to get yourself raped.” to “If you won’t have sex, you’re going to be alone. If you date someone and won’t have sex with him, he should rape you.” and even “If you don’t have sex, how will you have children? If you don’t have kids, you’re going to Hell.” What’s worse, none of those things were said spitefully. They were said in that same well meaning tone people normally reserve for “how not to get raped” advice. They could have just as easily been telling me not to walk alone at night, or not to dress like a “slut.”

I don’t think they quite saw the twisted humor in telling me that I should have sex I didn’t want in order to avoid being “raped,” as though there were that much of a difference between the two. If you consent to sex just so you don’t get raped, how is that any different than any other form of coercion?

Not to mention the double standard. If I had sex with everyone, or even a handful of people, I would be a “slut”, and then they’d tell me, “Don’t have so much sex, you’re going to get yourself raped.” or “Don’t dress like that, you’ll get yourself raped.” I think that if I’d told them I was saving myself for marriage instead, they might have had a different reaction, as well. Then I would have been a “good girl” rather than just broken in their eyes.

I’m not sure why people are so intent on “fixing” people with low or no sex drive. It’s not like having sex will magically make it better, it’ll just mean they’re having sex they don’t want to appease the masses. If someone is content without sex, why should they have sex? Why fix what isn’t broken when it isn’t hurting anyone?

Another problematic thing about it was the phrasing. They never said, “someone might rape you.” it was always “you’re going to get yourself raped.” As though by being asexual, I was inviting someone to rape me. No one, ever, wants to be raped. The very nature of rape is that it is nonconsensual. Nobody “gets themselves raped”. People choose to rape, and it isn’t the victim’s fault, ever.

The worst part, though, was that it almost seems like they were right. I was molested. I won’t call it rape, because my genitals weren’t touched, but more than one person, upon hearing that I didn’t respond sexually, decided that they would “make me respond.” I’ve been kissed against my will, had my breasts and ass fondled, been backed into a corner and felt up, had my hair pulled, and even been pinned down and humped. All of these things were done by people I considered friends at the time and trusted enough to tell that I thought I was asexual.

I’m not sure if the problem comes out of our society’s hang-ups over sex. The “life script” that tells us we should meet someone, get married, lose our virginity to that person, and have children, in that order, or some other internalized issue, needs to stop. It wasn’t my actions that “got me molested”. It was the mindset that a victim is asking for it by acting a certain way, when in reality, no one is asking for it. The mindset that someone can “get themselves raped” is the problem.