Slaves Have Personal Responsibility Too!
Posted by Rayne
I’m feeling kind of ranty, today. That happens pretty often when I venture onto one of the few fetish sites I still belong to looking for a topic. It’s at least half the reason I don’t venture onto many fetish sites anymore. I always leave with a deeper understanding of ignorance and intolerance, rather than a deeper understanding of kink.
So I find this thread about a polyamorous master/slave relationship. There are two slaves in the household who’ve been there for differing periods of time. And one of the slaves (the one who’s been there the longest – we’ll call her “First” from here) is, according to the other, completely out of control.
From the viewpoint of Second, First is disrespectful and violent. She argues with Owner constantly. And when she doesn’t get her way, she throws things and punches walls. When she’s spoken to about her behavior and asked to stop, she doesn’t. And when Second talks to Owner about it – because, quite frankly, it sort of scares her – he promises to make First leave if it happens again… Then doesn’t.
Let’s not look at this particular scenario as if it’s a real live situation. Because as we all know, there are three sides to every story: Yours, mine and the truth. And since we only have the story as seen by Second, we can’t possibly know the truth of it. I mean, in that thread alone, there are far more details shared in responses from people not involved in the situation than from Second. Details that may very well have a great deal of influence on First’s behavior.
Like the fact that First can no longer have children and Second – who’s only been with Owner since October – is carrying Owner’s child. Or that First and Second are high school chums. Or that First is not now, nor has she ever been, “naturally submissive” and is trying this on for size out of love and a desire to please Owner.
My first bit of advice to people in situations like these is to talk to their partners openly and honestly. All of them. At the same time. With a mediator (preferably a trusted mutual friend who is involved in the lifestyle and can/will remain unbiased), if necessary.
I don’t buy into this cockamamie idea that slaves in polyamorous relationships should bring all their problems to their owner, even if the problems have nothing to do with the owner. From where I sit, that’s ridiculously counterproductive.
I mean, it destroys any possibility of the slaves in question learning how to deal with each other in the best possible way to keep the owner’s household running smoothly. It keeps them separate, making any sort of relationship or rapport almost impossible. It puts entirely too much responsibility in the owner’s lap, putting the burden of maintaining a pleasant relationship between his slaves on him. And it opens the door for the possibility of manipulation through tattling, because let’s face it. “Adult” is not synonymous with “mature”.
And besides. While the owner is ultimately responsible for the training of the slaves, the slaves are responsible for their own behavior.
One of the first responses Second got to her original post was closed with, “One must also question the mastery involved if he has allowed such chaos to reign in his household.” A few comments later, another responded with, “How about we also question the slavehood/submission of the other woman too in the interests of fairness?” To which the original responder responded (Hee!), “Depends on if the master expects the slave to behave in that way or not. He is not doing something to stop the behavior, so all the signals point to his accepting and reinforcing it, so she’s following that lead.”
And that’s where I call bullshit.
I’ll be the first to admit that the old adage “Give an inch and they take a mile.” is absolutely true for me. M lets things slide because he’s too busy or too tired or too… something, and I’ll push and push until he snaps and finally does something about it. But how’s that his fault?
I’ll agree it’s his responsibility to correct the behavior. And perhaps if he didn’t do something about it, I’d even agree that it was his fault if the behavior didn’t eventually stop.
But “doing something about it” doesn’t always mean corporal punishment or kicking someone out. Especially in the case of a new slave in an emotional tight spot. Sometimes, “doing something about it” means having a conversation with them. Sometimes, it means letting them work their shit out on their own. Sometimes “doing something about it” is just being there for someone while they figure out how best to deal with their own problems. Even in the case of master and slave. We’re still human, after all.
And what of personal responsibility? I mean, M letting things slide because he’s got too much on his plate doesn’t absolve me of my duty to him. I promised, when I took his collar, to obey him and his rules, and to follow his orders. That means the responsibility of maintaining my slavery falls on me just as much as it falls on him. Which means that, while he is the one in control, I’m still obligated to control myself. And honestly? That goes for all slaves. All adults, really.
How ’bout a real-world example?
You take a job you’ve never even watched being performed before with the understanding that you will be fully trained before you ever touch the equipment. Your boss is in charge of the training and shows you how to operate the machinery. Finally, the basics are covered and you’re able to be put to work.
You make three mistakes your first day in. The first is simply a mistake. You were fully trained in that area, you just slipped. The second is because you weren’t paying attention when your boss covered it. And the third is because your boss didn’t cover it at all. Who’s at fault?
If you said, “Both of us.” on all counts, you’re right.
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