I’ve spoken with people, vanilla and in the lifestyle, who seem to believe that a master and slave relationship is somehow synonymous with bliss. Perfection. Eat your heart out, Cinderella! My happily ever after is better than yours! ~insert adorable flounce~

I mean, how could it possibly be anything less, right? He barks orders and I do what I’m told. That leaves no room for problems, right? Right??!?

Wrong.

Adding BDSM or M/s or TPE (Total Power Exchange) or any of that stuff? Can actually make things more complicated. Especially with a stubborn, prideful person like me.

Occasionally, I disagree with M. As with any relationship, I’m sometimes I’m hurt by things he does or says. Once in a while, I’m in the middle of something unrelated to him and temporarily “forget” that what he wants comes first.

I’m more than welcome, if not required, to express my opinion, full dance card, disagreement, hurt feelings, anger as long as I’m respectful. As long as I do it “The Right Way™”.*

Usually, “The Right Way” is simply keeping an even tone. Telling M that I’m angry, and why, without all the drama of my normal, childish reaction (i.e. an all out temper tantrum complete with alligator tears and lots of yelling). Remaining respectful, avoiding being accusatory, restraining myself from hurling insults.

I’m not always good at arguing the right way. My feelings get hurt or I get confused or I get so angry I can’t see straight. Then I get so far out of line it’s difficult to find my way back. And I really don’t like to admit when I’m wrong. And, like some people tend to do, I begin bludgeoning M with my irritation.

We have a set protocol for these times. When I have an inkling that I’m too upset to remain in my place, I’m supposed to kneel at M’s feet and ask permission to express my thoughts and feelings.

This sets the mood. It puts me in my place physically which makes it difficult, mentally, for me to approach him with disrespect. It makes me mindful of my tone and what I say to him. And sometimes it makes me realize, depending on the situation, how silly my being upset actually is.

Once I go to M with my problems, though, it becomes his decision what to do about it. And once in a while, his response is, “Tough.” But normally, he weighs the problem against his wants and needs and finds that he can bend a little bit.

Because, while our relationship is supposed to be completely about what pleases him, he isn’t so overbearing that he doesn’t realize that a happy slave performs better. And when it doesn’t break any of his rules or put him out in anyway, it’s better for both of us to give me what I’m asking for. As long as his needs come first.

It’s frustrating, sometimes. Especially when I really feel I need that pack of cigarettes I’m not allowed to smoke or just have to go to that costume party all our friends are going to. But it’s amazingly fulfilling, being the people-pleaser I am, to have someone decide these things for me based on what would make them happiest.

*This post is based solely on how things are done in our relationship. No two M/s relationships are the same so this may not match your dynamic.