Sometimes, I get really frustrated with my station in life.

It happens to everyone. I’m betting even the closest-to-perfect person with the closest-to-perfect life occasionally gets frustrated with their life. Even if it’s over something silly, like not being able to make a decent cup of coffee.

This is not to say that I’m not happy, or that I don’t want to be a slave. It’s not any indication of how I feel about my owner. It’s a flaw in me.

I’m rebellious. I won’t call it a streak, because that’s sugar-coating it. I am one of the most rebellious people I’ve ever known. Telling me no is like triple dog daring me in front of a crowd of my peers. I asked for rules knowing full well I would break some of them simply to break them, others because I think they’re stupid and still others because I forget they exist. This has been part of my personality since the magic of my parents’ control over me was revealed for the lie it was and I realized I was, in fact, my own person.

I love the fire that lights in my belly and zips up my chest when there’s a chance I’m going to be in trouble. When I am in trouble, I’m remorseful, but I’m also still a little excited about doing whatever it was I couldn’t resist. Eventually, the guilt outweighs the excitement, and I hate myself for a little while. I think if it didn’t we’d have a problem. But it doesn’t stop me from toeing the line again when the person/people in authority over me least expect it.

My biggest act of rebellion with M is running my mouth. I’m not joking. Oh, I’ve broken other rules, but in most cases, it was completely unintentional. I just couldn’t figure out a way around it. I know how that sounds, but I’m serious. And even that comes in waves. When it’s been a while since I’ve been beat, or when I feel like M’s not paying attention to me, or when I’m having issues transitioning into whatever head space he’s trying to put me in.

It happens less and less frequently, and he jerks on my leash much sooner and harder than he used to.

These days, he’s feeling the need to jerk on my leash more often. Not always because I’m out of line, but because I spend most of my days answering to someone else, running my own day, making my own decisions and he wants to make sure I know none of that changes the food chain in his house. He is still my boss.

I expected this. Almost every live-in submissive I know who got a job that requires much of their time after accepting a collar has gone through this in some way, shape or form. And thanks to them, I was even armed with some tactics to use to curb it a little bit. But none of that makes it any less frustrating.

M has a need to have control of as much of his life as possible that goes beyond just being an alpha male. He’s convinced that if he has control of every situation it leaves less room for error.

I know how incredibly arrogant that sounds, and maybe he is a little bit. But the fact of the matter is, when he’s done replaying every possible scenario of every conscious decision he makes, he knows better than just about anyone what could go wrong and how to avoid it. I think it’s part of being the type of tech geek he is (His boss is constantly touting M as the best troubleshooter/problem solver he’s ever known.). Or maybe he has to be as OCD as he is to be the type of tech geek he is? In either case, there are few people who care to approach each and every situation in their lives this way. And definitely not to the extent his adamant desire for things to go right forces him to take it.

We seem to occasionally find ourselves having to come together and decide what’s most important. And he’s always trying to find a way to exert his control over me in a way that doesn’t affect my ability to do my job. Luckily, due to the nature of my job, that’s actually pretty easy. Even if it means waiting till I get to a stopping point. Even if a “stopping point” doesn’t come till bedtime. Though that is exceedingly rare.

I think something people forget, in this lifestyle, is that everything is a compromise. Even in the case of master and slave, real life has a tendency to meddle in your affairs, and you have to find a way to make it work. And sometimes that means even the master has to compromise. Sometimes that means something is more important than the master’s control over the slave.

Of course, in our case, Master decides what is or isn’t more important than his control. And that’s where the frustration comes in. We don’t always agree on that. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I bend to his will when he’s made his decision.